See You in a Minute

N A T A S H A

❝Damn favoritism.❞
- Sam Wilson

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Goddammit.

Another nightmare.

It wasn't like the nightmare I had earlier in the afternoon but this one hurt just as much. All of them hurt anyway. All of them haunts me.

I look at the clock on my nightstand to check what the time was and saw that it's 2:03 am already.

These nightmares don't pick a time to bother me, do they?

Annoyed, I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand before getting out of bed and making my way to the kitchen.

After making myself a cup of coffee, I sat down on one of the stool bars and thought about today's events.

Steve was back. And I couldn't be happier. In a way, it makes me feel like he actually picked me, picked us, over everything 1970 has to offer, and although it's selfish, I can't bring myself to deny that I do feel this way about his return.

But I don't understand why he returned. Even though I do want him here, I can't just ignore the truth that he has been so determined to stay with Peggy, so what changed? He already had everything he wanted so why is he back?

I knew staying in 1970 made him happy. I just knew it. That's why even if I'm thrilled to have him back here, I'm having ideas of telling him to go back to where Peggy is.

He was happy there and I understood why he didn't want to come back. Everything he missed out on, everything was waiting for him there. I don't want him to return here just because he felt like he was obliged to because let's be honest, that would be such a Steve Rogers thing to do. I want him to come back but I don't want it to cost him his happiness. If his happiness is in 1970, then it's better if he stays there.

And I want to ask him why. I want to know all the answers. But I don't think I can bring myself to do it because I'm afraid. Because what if I'm right? What if he did just return because the world needs him? Because he felt like he owes it to the world? What would I do then? Can I actually bring myself to tell him to go back when I know I selfishly want him here? Can I tell him to go back to Peggy 'cause I know it's what he wants but lose him by doing so?

It's funny how easy it was for us to be so selfish before. During those times, all we really thought of was us. What we want, what's good for us—it's all about our benefit. And it isn't wrong, no, it's not because in this world, all you can really depend on is yourself, isn't it? It's just you. It's you against the world.

But then along the way, you meet people that you thought wouldn't mean anything to you that completely changed who you are and you didn't even notice. Despite your efforts to isolate yourself and focus on you, you can't bring yourself to do that because you have eyes and unfortunately, you have a heart, too. And your eyes and that heart of yours, it sees and feels everything. And they saw the capacity of goodness in a person. They saw how much care, how much growth, how much worth these people you thought would never mean a thing to you have and suddenly, you're not so selfish anymore. All of a sudden, you're prepared to do anything for them as long as it makes them happy and you don't even care if you get hurt.

It's not wrong to be this way but how long are you gonna be selfless? Until you're shattered? Until you've got nothing else to give? Until you're just a shell of the person you used to be?

I'm scared of losing myself by giving Steve what he wants. But I can't find it in me to be selfish with him.

God, this is why emotions destroy people.