blue | [hky!!]

sawamura daichi

adult au.

you make my heart 

shake

bend and break,

it felt so bad to be in love, it was good: good, as in, addicting, like a tasteful drug.

loving sawamura daichi had never been so fulfilling, so tasteful; so hypnotizing, so worthwhile— and yet, so... abstract. it was truly like a drug: you could never seem to focus on anything else but him and him alone, leaving your surroundings warped into dizzying distortion. at one point, it even felt like you could daydream of him and nothing else all day long.

how he still hadn't picked up the signs of your unfailing love for him is out of the question— for you hated pondering about such a tragedy— but that certainly did not halt your ever-growing love for the man. in fact, you yearned for more of his attention, more of his attentive gaze as he spilled nothing but warm honey into your breaking soul, piecing it together over and over again constantly.

of course, you knew it was unhealthy: you knew this strange love was becoming an addiction, an obsession. even you could notice how terrifying having an entire box of candid photos of a best friend could appear to a stranger, or even towards daichi himself.

but i can't 

turn away

and it's driving me wild—

"sawamura," you called out cheerfully, a blinding smile gracing your features. before you knew it, you found the early morning sun, marking the beginning of another worthless day. at the very least, starting your mornings with a hello to your crush could make life a lot more livable.

there you go again: you could hear your heart racing like there's no tomorrow, its rapid beats echoing in your eardrums. but at the same time, it felt suffocated— perhaps, that's why it was beating, to save itself from drowning in the realization of the eternal unrequited love.

"oh, hello— sorry, i'm in a rush today," he replied meekly as he fixed his jacket, his usually attentive gaze absent today, "i'm meeting with sugawara. he said he had something important to say."

"oh," was all you could muster, the twisted pain in your heart growing to be more insufferable, "he's your lover, if i recall?"

the male paused briefly, but a crimson hue already spread on his cheeks. then he coughed, and grinned proudly, as he said, "i'd rather not flex my relationship so much."

"huh?" the unbearable pain snapped into two, and out of the breakage came a shadow of anguishing anger (or was it sadness?), as you shot back, "but wouldn't you rather save everyone from catching feelings for you? they'd know you're taken, so at least they wouldn't have to fall in love with you and hurt themselves. wouldn't that ease your conscience?"

it was only from daichi's new reaction did you realize your outburst was a bit over-the-top: his eyes were wide from how earnest you were regarding this topic, before looking away, his gaze distant now.

"i guess you're right... but people will just have to find out naturally, i guess. you know i'm not the type for full-blown pda, anyway." daichi murmured, chuckling. "that took me by surprise. is something the matter?"

"... i met you before sugawara, right?" you asked emptily, to which daichi hummed in response: yes.

and yet, i was not the chosen one— how unfair. you're so unfair, daichi. you curled your fingers into fists to hold your tongue.

"whatever floats your boat." you snapped back instead, averting your gaze dejectedly, leaving daichi to walk ahead in excitement.

you wanted to walk away from him. you could never control your emotions around him, you were simply too sensitive around him, and it always felt like he was about to slip away from your grasp at any given moment. your addiction for him was so horrible, it messed your senses up so badly, and you wanted it to stop.

and yet, every time you argued with yourself about him, a little voice in your head would say, "oh, stop giving a shit so much. relax, and enjoy this moment."

however it may be, you were enjoying his presence, which caused you to enjoy the moment, yet you every time, you could feel your conscience falling apart in tears and utter devastation.

no matter how hard i try, i can't stop loving you.

you're driving me wild.

—

MY BROTHER WAS WATCHING PEPPA PIG MEMES BESIDE ME WHILE I WAS WRITING SO I COULDN'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY AKHSKDHKSH

update (04.15.20): OMG THE DRAFT RESTORED ITSELF SOMEHOW ANAMSJSJD I HOPE IT DOESN'T SELF-DELETE AGAIN FFS. other than that, i'm actually content with this so hAhA minimal edits

p.s the first a/n above was super legendary so i ain't deleting that sdndndn

p.p.s daichi's bisexual or whatever here lol