blue | [hky!!]

tsukishima kei

first person p.o.v.

remember

when we

first met?

for the longest time, i craved for your touch; i yearned for your attention. i longed for the day our hearts would beat as one; i wished for your unending love.

so when the day— or rather, the evening— our quiet souls crossed paths came, needless to say i was ecstatic. words couldn't express how blissful i felt, but the alphabet can:

aalslskdhshmznxbwoosbs.

indeed, my brain went on an explosive malfunction as you glanced my way, realizing you were no longer alone on the expansive (albeit lonely) school rooftop. anxiety coursed through my veins as i was praying to whatever god out there that you'd see me as a random classmate that happened to pass by, and not an absurd stalker. i wasn't stalking you, after all; i myself wanted a bit of breathable air that night.

perhaps you didn't bother with how i found you, for you appeared to have your fair share of problems as well. and while i should have been concerned for you, i could only smile half-heartedly at your desolate state, happy to see you (of all people!) yet not like this.

you said,

“light

my cigarette.”

i didn't know you were into smoking, for you appeared decently healthy. you brought a tiny cancer stick up to your kissable lips so calmly, as if done out of a routine. i was so taken aback and instinctively, i wanted to slap the cigarette off of you. but your wide eyes pleaded to me, begging me to do otherwise. please, let me be, they were saying at me, so how could i say no to such desperation?

it seemed you didn't give a damn whether i was asthmatic or not, but you seemed kind enough to at least blow the smoke away from my direction, often holding the stick with your right hand instead of your left, away from me. it was a subtle gesture, but i loved you for your minimalism and inability to change for your peers.

i suppose, to keep the air not too awkward, you let me light your cigarettes right after you said so. not that i minded: sure, i was basically encouraging you to continue smoking, but it was already obvious you've got an overwhelming addiction, so what change would one unlit cigarette do to you, really?

nonetheless, i used the strange atmosphere to speak my thoughts, “i'm amazed you could hide from the teachers for so long.”

“shouldn't you be concerned for me, rather than amazed?” you remarked, a bit of an airy laugh following.

“i am, but what good would it do? it's not like you'd accept my sympathy and say, ‘if you want me to stop, i'll stop,' anyway.”

“you're so creepy; you know me so well. or am i that obvious?”

“it could be both.”

everything my parents taught me throughout the years about relationships had been dumped down the drain the moment we bickered, but i wasn't regretful. i wasn't troubled over the fact that i was in love with all the things my parents despised: smoker, hasn't got their life together, unhealthy, and unstable (in more ways than one, no doubt).

out of context, those traits would be horribly unattractive, yet somehow i found myself wanting to delve further into this enigmatic personality of yours. i wanted to solve your mystery— but would that lead me to your arms?

turns out, it was a risk worth taking.

so i lied

to

my mom and dad;

somehow, they managed to catch onto our forbidden relationship; perhaps it was due to the faint scent of nicotine wafting over the air every time i'd pass by, or the tiny love marks that would peek out of my shirt from time to time.

needless to say, they were furious. their explosive anger felt white-hot, similar to the frustrated tears that fell from my eyes. i knew from the start that attempting to justify my actions would be nothing but an attempt, yet i dared to stand. i dared to stand for you.

but then, you figured out what had happened between my family, and you took the blame for it. whether consciously or intentionally, i will never know, but i had to tell my parents a week later that i was only joking, and i had been attempting a silly make up tutorial in preparation for halloween. the lie was so simple yet so complex, but so was your reasoning of you running away from me.

yet who cares what happened after? i no longer saw your irresistible face at the class. i no longer saw you sitting in the rooftop, smoking all your problems away. that was my greatest concern, my greatest problem, and you weren't even around to apologize or explain yourself.

i don't know how, but i found myself craving for your touch, and yearning for your attention once more, despite knowing our hearts would never beat as one ever again.

put simply, your love had ended.

it isn't a baseless accusation because i saw you on the rooftop with the kid who sat next to me in class.

so i did the next best thing, something you had always taught me whenever we had to hide away from the rotten world:

i jumped

the fence

and i ran.

—

lol dis wack