I still love you | Maylor fanfiction

54

Roger's P.O.V.

There.

There he was. Sitting on the railway of the bridge. Sitting. Facing the water, his legs hanging over, above the water.
His hands were laid on the railway next to him.
Pushing his body...

"Brian!" a scream came out of my chest.
I took all my remaining strength, forcing me run faster than I ever did.
Just in a second, just in a flash, I was at him.
I didn't stop, I wrapped my hands around his waist, grasping his warm body. He hardy managed to even only look up.
Just like back then, in the morning, when he took my pictures and left them on the table. I then ran after him, surprising him, jumping at his back and taking him down.
I threw myself on the ground, taking him with me, making him land on me instead of the bare ground.
I was wailing, loud sobs escaping my mouth. I could hear Brian cry too. And it was tearing my heart and mind apart.

I realized, he was kicking and punching me, trying to get away form my grasp.
"Let me be!" He screeched in between sobs. "Let go!"
Just like I did back then, when I saw him and Esther kissing.
But I held him tight. I buried my face in his back, tears continuing on rolling down my cheeks.
No. I will never let go.
"Roger! Let me be!"
His voice was shaking. He was crying, I could hear the sadness, despair and pain in his voice.
I will never let go.

But he kept on fighting. He seemed to have this unlimited amount of strength, not giving up in a thousand years. Suddenly, in the blink of the eye, he got away.
I jumped on my feet as quickly as he did.
Now I was staring into his pale, drained, worn out face, with the most horrifying expression, which clenched my stomach and sent shivers throughout my whole body. His face muscles were as if in a cramp of pain, dark circles under his eyes, his lower lip trembling. But what was the most dreadful and unbareable for me were his eyes. His eyes glistening with tears, full of hurt, anguish, disbelief, sending me reproachful looks.
My legs started to shake when I saw him like this.
When I saw what I did.
He was a wreck.
I made a wreck out of him. God, I made him want to kill himself!
He seemed as an embodiment of agony, hurt, hopelessnes and misery.
How could I ever do this?! How could I?! What have I done?! Look at what I've done!

"What are you doing?!" Brian got out of himself a silent shout, muffled by sobs.
I gasped for air, trying to find an answer. Trying to find the right words. But everything seemed stupid. Everything was stupid.
What in the world could I say after what I've done?
What am I doing?
"You can't do it Brian, please don't do it, you can't do it," I started blabbering, my voice quavering, as I decided to ignore his question. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know- I know I can never fix it, I know it, but please, please don't do it. I'm sorry Brian, I'm so sorry. Please. Please. I'm sorry."
"What are you saying," he whimpered. He was just centimeters away, but yet I've never felt further away from him.
What have I done?

"I am sorry Brian, I'm so sorry," I continued on gabbling panickly in between sniffles. "Please, please let's just- let's just go to the hotel or- please, I'm so sorry Brian. I'm so sorry."
"Roger, go away," Brian howled quietly but with urgency.
"No, no, no, no," I shook my head rapidly. "No, I'm not gonna go away. I'm not- I'm so sorry Brian. Please, I- I'm sorry, I lied. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, I lied, it's not true."
"Roger you lie so much that not even you know when you are and when you are not," he cried, holding his shaky hands in fists.
"I know and I'm sorry- but, I know I lied yesterday. I know I did. When I said I didn't love you. That's a lie. That's a lie and you have to believe me please."
How the hell do I want him to believe me?! How can he possibly believe me after everything I've done?! How can I even ask for it?!

He didn't reply. He shook his head, gazing into my eyes with his, terrified and hurt ones, stepping away.
"Brian please, please," I whined.
Silence.
"Brian please, I love you!" I exclaimed as I saw the horror on his face.
"Then prove it!" He screamed, voice full of hopelessness, agony.

Then realization hit me.

I can't.

I can't prove it to him. There's no way I can prove it. I've lied so much, I betrayed him so much, that there is no way I would possibly convince him that I really do love him.
I try to assure him with words? Just stupid blabbering. I kiss him? I did before. And then I said I didn't love him. It would be just a disgusting, disrespectful insult. I speak the truth, get on one knee and ask him to marry me? I can't be even serious with this thought. What a cliche.
I don't even have a ring.
What more can I do? How can I only persuade him that I love him.

There's no way. You can't.
That little voice in the back of my head kept on repeating.
You can't persuade him.
I didn't want to listen to it at first. I tried to ignore it, I tried to deny it, but then, slowly but surely, with unwillingness and despair, I started to realize that it's true.
You can't convince him. There's nothing you can do. You messed up, and it cannot be fixed.

I shook my head as I watched him with tears in my eyes.
"I can't prove it to you," I mumbled to myself. I knew what I had to do. I couldn't do nothing else. I couldn't win, I couldn't fix this. I had to end it. End everything. That is the only right way.
I stepped out to the edge of the bridge.
"I don't deserve you and I can't live with the guilt for all that I've done to you."

The river, the endless dark water was spreading out around me, many meters below me.
The sun was coming up. Coloring the clouds bloody red.
I was reaching for the railing. I was almost there.

Out of the blue a hand grasped my wrist, stopping me forcibly and turning me around.
"Stop it," Brian was frowning, letting go of my hand immediately.
"I hurt you Brian. I hurt you so bad and so many times. I regret all of it. I don't know what to do to fix that. All of the apologies I could be telling you seem inadequate and stupid to me. I don't see any solution," I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air. My knees and voice were both shaking. "Please tell me what to do. Tell me what I can do to make this all better. I I'll do anything. Please."
He stayed silent, watching me with cold eyes.
"You did hurt me," he let out.
Then, without an other word, he turned his back at me and sat down on the pavement, hiding his face in hands.

What can I do?

I didn't think about it. If he kicks me out, then he will.

I sat down by him, slowly and carefully laying my hand over his shoulders comfortingly.
He didn't push me away.
He let go of his face, and laid his head on my shoulder, staring sternly in front of him.

We kept on sitting there, not talking, not looking at each other, not moving. Both lost in our own thoughts, whichever they were.
We sat there.
We sat there when the first people started going out on the streets, starting a new, normal day, as if nothing ever happened.
And we just kept on sitting there.

Heya
GuYs tHanKs fOr 12k rEadS
☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

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