What Is and What Should Never Be | Sirius Black

13. The Terrible Friend

THE ASSUMPTION would be that I grow a pair, tell Sirius to fully commit to Debbie because she's his girlfriend, and all is well. However, I am not a confident person when it comes to confrontation of any kind, and quite honestly, I've been placed in a very uncomfortable and awkward position. I act as a wingwoman for one of friend to set her up with my other friend, then tell her that I have feelings for him, then he tells me he doesn't have feelings for her, and all I want to do is cry out of frustration.

So in conclusion, I don't grow a pair, and I find myself borderline stuttering in front of her.

"I'm sorry, Deb," I bite my cheek, "I shouldn't have sprung on you that I like Sirius, not when I know you two - er - have a thing."

"It's chill." She says from her bed, where she lay with her nose in a book. "He says he's busy Valentine's weekend anyway."

"Oh?" I pretend like I don't know what I know.

"Yea, but we'll just go out after." She flips the page.

My stomach tightens in unease. As her friend, I want her to be happy, but I know that she isn't going to get anywhere with Sirius anymore. Not after what he told me.

"What about James?" I ask.

"What about him?"

"He's cute." I admit, hoping she might magically pull a 180 and go for him instead. Even though that won't go anywhere either.

"Then you take him." She finally lifts her eyes and looks at me for a second.

"Well - er - I don't see him in that way." I start to mumble and cast my gaze down to my quilt, which is becoming wrinkled from my obsessive wringing.

How do I convey that he's not into her without saying that he told me so?

"Neither do I." It's quiet for a second before she stands up and tosses the book on her nightstand. "Look, Des, you're going to have to respect the fact that I have Black and you don't."

"I do! I do, it's just that-"

"I know he's your friend now." She says in a softer voice. "And I know you have feelings for him. But have I ever tried to stop you from getting with him? No. So you shouldn't try and get between my relationship."

I bite my lip with an overwhelming sense of guilt. She thinks that I've been trying to get with him?

"You're right." Is all I say.

"Cool." She nods. "Catch you at dinner."

She walks out the door and I'm left with an empty room. I fall back into my sheets with a quivering lip, repeating in my head:

I'm a terrible friend.

~*~

Walking down to the Great Hall, I look more like a troll with a trudge. I don't want to face Debbie - or anyone for that matter, but my hunger tells me I can't wait any longer and the kitchens won't be accessible until after dinner is served. And I usually don't like bugging the house elves anyway.

When I arrive though, Debbie isn't at the Hufflepuff table, and only after a minute of scanning do I see the yellow and black tie in the sea of red and gold.

She's beside Sirius and my stomach twists when I flop down at the end of Hufflepuff with my eyes glued to the wood.

"What's happening?" Jane is quick to abandon her food and move down the table to see me, which only makes me feel like I'm going to cry.

My head flattens itself against the table top.

"I'm a terrible friend." I moan and Jane places a comforting hand on my back.