The Suicide List

I've been travelling to Indies for days.

I have to make sure to catch her on time and stop her before she kills herself. But in the midst of the trip, it felt... empty. There was no Kayleigh with me. I couldn't hear her laughs, her giggles, I don't see her smile, her eyes. I feel empty. I feel incomplete without her. I'm starting to go crazy by the fact that she's not with me. It's lonely. It feels wrong.

Days later, I arrived in Indies. I tried to drive the place again and again, looking for Kayleigh. But my numerous attempts failed. After a very long day, I parked the car to rest. I tried to stop myself from crying, but I couldn't. I would sob often, most especially if I would look at her photos. When she left me, I'm pretty sure that she brought all the photos except for one. Now, I have her photo that I took from her favorite view. This sucks. It sucks that I only see her through the photo. I honestly wish that this is all a dream. That when I wake up, I'm still in the inn. I'm still in our room. That when I wake up, she's still there and I'm holding her close. She's still there, smiling at the sound of my heartbeat, smiling at the feeling of my fingers brushing her hair, and most especially, smiling at the fact that we're together, and time was something that we just allowed to pass.

Dawn came, and I woke up due to a light shining directly in my face. I then rubbed my eyes to get a clearer view and I saw... headlights. It was a car. Afterwards, a person went out. The silhouette was very familiar. It then went near to the car and I went out and tried to escape until...

"Sebastian? Please tell me it's you mate."

Ferdinand. And he's with someone. Our other friend, Joseph.

I then turned around and he sighed, rushing to hug me, "Sebastian, where the fuck have you been? You've been missing for weeks. Granna's worried sick. She had been crying for days, asking where you are."

"I know. I'm sorry Ferdinand."

"Don't worry about it. At least you're safe. Is Kay Barrow with you? She's been missing too."

I'm about to cry again. But I decided not to. I tried to control the tears from falling, "No. She's not with me."

"Where would that chick go?" Ferdinand mumbled, "Come on Sebastian, let's get you home."

I nodded and went with them. There's no hope in finding Kayleigh. I have to accept the fact that I lost her.

Weeks later, I tried to move on from the pain. But I couldn't. My attempts would always fail me. I tried to look at girls in the campus, hoping I can date them. But I would smack myself in frustration every time I go home. Those girls, they're not like Kayleigh. They'll never be like Kayleigh. Their laughs, their smiles, their eyes, they are far different from Kayleigh. They will never give me the feeling of pure bliss and pure love. Only Kayleigh can do that. And I'm slowly dying by the fact that she's not here. And I would cry every time. God, if she has any idea how much I fucking missed her.

I've never seen Colleen again. I've heard she quitted school due to pregnancy. It's not my kid though according to her parents. It was Mike's, the guy that she had been cheating with when we were still together. Ferdinand is always around me, encouraging me to go to parties. But I wouldn't. I would much rather end up drunk in my home, and that happens, causing granna to call Ferdinand. And when morning comes, granna and Ferdinand would tell me the same thing over and over: I'm crying over someone but I wouldn't tell them.

At school, I would catch Stella looking at me. Sometimes, we would meet each other at the corridor after class. She wanted to say something, but ends up not telling me anyway. I wanted to say something to her too. Maybe asking her where Kayleigh is. I'm pretty sure Kay would not cut her communication with her sister. But Stella would avoid me, causing me to lose the opportunity of finding Kayleigh.

First few days since I was found, policemen would interview me almost every night, asking for Kayleigh's whereabouts. But I would never answer. Every time I hear her name, I would feel nothing but pain. Granna told them one day to stop until they did. They really concluded Kayleigh as missing and that there's nothing they can do about it. The Barrows also stopped looking for her. They said that it's what Kayleigh really wanted; to disappear.

Now granna kept the liquors somewhere safe and well-hidden. She does not want me to drink anymore. And my routines, they changed. From someone who would go to a party or a gig, to someone who just stays at home, eats less than the usual, and sleep, still holding Kayleigh's photo in my hand.

Still hoping she'll come back to me.

Still wishing this is just a dream.

That I'm still with her, kissing her, hearing her laugh, seeing her smile, as we go to Upstate County.