S H E

evolution

I was born chubby and cute
My mother says that often
I'm guessing it was true
I was very close to my Dad
I'd like to think I still am
I mean we get each other on a lot of things
I'm quite tall among the girls in our family
Which I inherited from him
And I'm quiet like him
I like keeping to myself
Like him
I'd rather use my phone than talk to other people
Like him
I like Maths
Like him
But I'm supposed to be different
Mother says I need to talk more
As a woman it would lead to me being alone
Guys like a girl more outspoken and conscious of her environment
Someone more down to earth
Whose focus isn't only on one thing
A woman can multitask
Someone whose not selfish
And rude
Because pretending everyone is not there
Is rude
But I'm that type of person and I don't know how much more I can change
So I can be the perfect girlfriend
Perfect wife
Perfect mother

Everyone says they feel sorry for the guy I'll get married to
With the way they speak
I doubt I'd get married in the first place
I mean who would want
Someone who complains too much
Her voice is naturally whiny
That whatever she says sounds like she's complaining
I have to change so I can be playful
And cute
And heartwarming
Only to get a guy whose the same
Or any guy at all
I mean it's okay
I get it
No one needs to add to the baggage
It's bad enough
There's a 50/50 chance of me being able to have kids
All because of my weak heart
So you can't blame me for not believing in myself
When it's true what they say
No guy in their right mind
Wants
A skinny whiny self absorbed bitch
Which is what I am
I make everybody feel like a villain in my life
For mistakes they never made
God I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm not good enough
For you pishposh snobby high standard guys
Sorry that i know I'm ending up alone
And I've accepted it
But please get off my back about it
It hurts enough
The stabs to my heart already make me feel weak as it is
I don't need you
To parade around with signs and billboards of my imperfections
Because I know
I know my teeth are way to big
My lips way too full
My eyes too big
My legs too long
My chest way too small
My hips non existent
My anger blowing off the roof
My sadness a sea I drown in
My eyes which can't see even a metre ahead
My smile way too fake
My personality trying too hard
Literally friend zoned
Every one I meet
Why I don't need you to say it out loud
I know
I know
I know
I know!
I'm sick
And I'm vomiting
And I'm crying
And I'm exhausted of the same complains
Please try something new
It's boring enough hearing you blabber on
About what I already know
That I'm not good enough
The record broken one too many times
It repeats
It's a mantra in my head
You're not good enough
And I accept
Ladies and gentlemen
Who think they know better
I'm not good better
I accept