S H E

At Gunpoint I think to Myself

I used to be happy once
Actually happy
And the sun was yellow
The grasses green
Beautiful meadows in my head
And I loved it,
Oh I loved it so
The colors
The magic
The child like wonder
The mystery
All of it wrapped into one
To provide the most beautiful warmth
Like hot chocolate during winter
Or steaming stew
When you have a cold
And it spreads all over
From my toes
Up my legs, knees and thighs
Up my waist
Through my blood
Through my heart
Through my lungs
Out my nose and mouth as I breathed in and out
Just beautiful
Simple
And always there
Like that annoying friend you have
That never goes away
But it grows on you
It grows on you doesn't it
Until its gone
And you wonder
Where did you go wrong
Where did you slip up and fall
That they left
That the warmth left
Leaving behind its evil twin the cold
Same thing but more empty and hollow
When did it leave?
When did it leave?
And leave behind this very big hole
I can't fill it by myself
I know I can't
And it scares me
Its scares the shit out of me
Because I know its here to stay
Unlike happiness it won't go away
It stays
Its still staying
It won't leave
I hate it but I can't say
That now the grasses are dry
And the day is night
The winds freezing cold
As they bite my dark skin
The tears I spill
Small ice shards
That cut at my skin
Leaving even more scars behind
If I do?
They won't see me the same
Not anymore
Not the girl with bright smiles
Never angry
Never sad
Energetic
Brave
Tough
Confident
I don't want them to see this other girl
The one that's abandoned
The one that's cold to the touch
The one that's afraid
The one that gave up
The one that's truly me.