𝐠𝐧𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐞 ||𝐤𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧||

11

it's hard to accept it.

it's hard to accept that the person you spent years with, someone you watched grow up, someone whose talent and passion you polished is actually a whole different person. you realize you don't know them at all.

i kept on staring at that piece of paper on which i wrote down all the things i thought i knew about kenma, they feel so wrong. i don't even know the basics, i never asked him, i figured it would come naturally, but now i know - i only ever saw the surface.

what is his favorite color? what food does kenma like? what is his favorite movie or show? what is his favorite time of the year? i didn't even know these things. i feel sorry, however, feeling sorry is far from enough. kenma always knew he knows me like an open book, that's why he hesitated to tell me about his true self. he knew i would doubt it no matter what, he could i would be confused, but i wish he had done it earlier - now i have my feelings figured out, now i know i have a crush on kenma - but is it even okay for me to like kenma now?

he is not who i thought he was.

why am i doubting it?

i spent the night thinking about everything, my feelings, my emotions, my actions, and my behavour. i was wrong in so many ways, but i do not want to give up yet, maybe this situation can be fixed, maybe kenma is going through a phase, maybe someone will get through my thick skull and punch some sense into my brain - there are many possibilities, so i do not want to give up yet.

maybe that's why i am in front of kenma's front door. his mother is looking at me, she doesn't seem happy. i simply push past her, telling her i am sorry for intruding. as i walk up the stairs i have these thoughts in my head - i hope i don't fuck up no matter what i see when i walk through that door.

with a trembling hand i push the door open, kenma stares at me wide-eyed - he's in the middle of changing into his clothes. kenma has nothing but underwear on, in his hands is a dress, pastel blue in color, full of frills, and whatnot.

he pushes it against himself, covering his body with the material, but all i can see is his face. i am still so hooked. so into him.

eyelashes.

such long eyelashes.

a cute round nose, just slightly pointy at the end.

barely visible cheekbones.

pink lips. pink bright lips.

all these things I've never noticed, but now that i see them as clear as day, now that i know my feelings - they are so important. each feature fits so well if i didn't know kenma i would think kenma is the most adorable girl in town. as I stared at his face I found myself getting lost in all the tiny details that never caught my eyes before. so how come they seem so important now?

oh, i know why. it's because i like kenma.

"kuroo, please...say something " kenma spoke, his voice trembled softly, his hands were shaking. and he's desperately trying to cover himself both physically and mentally. i felt like i was being stabbed, daggers of regret, guilt, and pride kept piercing through me, reminding me how much i fucked up. i wonder, if he had told me earlier would his reaction be different now?

"i... i'm not sure what to say though.. sorry. i'm just surprised, but not in a bad way" i manage to say, my words seemed to calm kenma down just a little bit, his neck relaxed and he finally let out a sigh. he must be thinking that it's impossible to change over a few days, but i want to believe i am capable of accepting kenma's true self and embracing it.

"i'm sorry..." he apologized for the hundredth time, i kept telling him to stop, it wasn't his fault. he always apologized, no matter if it was my fault or someone else's, kenma always apologized. it was me who walked into his room without knocking or even telling him i was going to visit - i should be the one begging for forgiveness. "c-could you leave for a bit? i want to change.."

i couldn't help but feel sad and angry at myself, he was going to change just because i'm here. he shouldn't, he should feel happy in his own skin, and yet here he was, devaluing himself just because i was here. is that how kenma's been feeling all this time? how many times did kenma spontaneously change clothes just because i was coming over? how many times did kenma run away from me, simply because he was wearing something i would call 'girly'? too many times. "no, don't... i'd like to know the real you," i say.

a smile crept onto kenma's face, his eyes sparkled once again.

he's happy.

or should i say...she is happy.

i finally fall to my knees, a smile i've been wanting to see is right here in front of me, i can't help the tears that form in my eyes - i want to scream and apologize, but will kenma accept it?

she quickly drops the dress and slips into an oversized t-shirt, my t-shirt, and walks up to me. kenma falls to her knees as well, she cups my face and smiles, even through tears i can see it.

"kenma, please forgive me, i just need time to get used to this, i just need to get educated about this - i promise i can change," i start rambling, words come out of my mouth with a tsunami of emotions. "please, just, don't push me away, you're my best friend, i couldn't live without you, and i like you too, but i am just so confused right now and---"

before i can finish my sentence kenma pulls me into her embrace, she holds me tight... it's warm. i can feel her heartbeat. it takes us a minute to collect ourselves, especially me, i wipe and wipe away my tears - i must look so weak in front of kenma right now.

maybe we can try again.

i can change.

i will change.

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I'm back babyyyyy

Did I miss anything important? How are you guys doing?

-Hatari