Torment

Leader

Later that evening, after our meeting with Gilliam and the night rations had been handed out, everyone in the tail section resided to their bunks to revel in the little privacy they had. As darkness swamped the carriage and indicated bedtime, I finished my evening rounds of checking on the children, making sure they were all as healthy as they could be and that any nasty risks were minimised as much as possible. After saying goodnight to Timmy and his mum, I carefully navigated my way back to my bunk through the gloomy, obstacle-ridden carriage.

As I got to my row, I looked at my friends adoringly. Edgar was on the bottom bunk, eye's wide open, watching me with a cheeky grin. Curtis was in the middle, above Edgar and below my bunk, his trusty beanie tucked beneath his pillow. His eyes were closed and he seemed to be drifting to sleep, but as soon as I approached our makeshift beds he stirred slightly and held out his hand to help me up to my bunk, his eye's still tightly shut, but his sweet gesture like muscle memory. As I gripped his calloused hand and carefully climbed the rickety ladder to my bed, I savoured the feeling, every day I looked forward to his innocent action, it made me feel wanted, cared for and safe. Curtis may have thought nothing of it, but to me, it was my lifeline in the tail section. If anyone could have seen my inner thoughts they probably would've laughed, called me pathetic and desperate, but the tail end was so soul-destroying, and this massive desire I had, wanting to be close to Curtis, was the only thing getting me through the day, the only thing making me feel human. After all the pain, suffering and fear I had witnessed, I didn't think looking for love was too much to ask.

Tonight was just as cold as all the others, and as I laid on my hard mattress clutching to my coat and bed cover, listening to the coughs, snorts, cries and hum of the train, I rolled onto my side, using my arm as a pillow and took in a breath. "How old is Gilliam?" Edgar suddenly asked. I smiled, happy someone said something to take my mind off things, I had a feeling tonight's slumber was not going to be an easy one. "Shut up Edgar," Curtis grunted, sounding as if he were half asleep. "I'm not saying that I want that to happen, that's not what I'm saying. What I mean is he will die someday. And when that happens, you're gonna have to take over." The young man eventually said as I heard him shuffle onto is back.

"I'm not a leader," Curtis answered stiffly, I inwardly sighed, hoping to give no sign of my alertness to my friends. "I think you'd be pretty good if you ask me," Edgar replied, making me smile. The carriage returned to its usual eerie sympathy of sadness and sickness. I continued to lay silently on my back, unable to drift off, all I could think of was Curtis's plan. More than half an hour must have passed, and Edgar's high-pitched snores filled the air around us, indicating he had now surrendered to sleep. I still hadn't moved and if I knew Curtis, he'd still be laying there, eye's shut mulling over Edgar's words, still awake, just like me.

"Curtis," I whispered hoping he was indeed awake. My question was answered as a hum came from below, indicating he had heard me. "I can't sleep," I mumbled, embarrassed of my childlike behaviour. Curtis was quiet for a moment before I felt him swing his weight towards one side of his bed. I turned onto my side, thinking he had rolled over, ignoring my statement. But seconds after I accepted his dismissal, he appeared at the top of the ladder, by the bottom of my bunk. I quickly sat up smiling as I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. Saying nothing in an attempt not to disturb those around us, Curtis carefully made his way onto my bunk and sat next to me. "Why can't you sleep?" he asked in a hushed tone. I sighed, "I just can't stop thinking about what you said to Gilliam. If the tail section goes through with this, people will die, our friends will die, you could die." I went quiet.

"I know I've seen horrific things and dealt with awful injuries, but I just don't know how I'd deal with so many deaths." Curtis nodded. "I don't want anyone to die, but I can't go on witnessing everyone live like this, you deserve better Hazel, we all do." I smiled sadly at Curtis's words before leaning my head against his shoulder. He was right, he was always right. As our bodies swayed to the rhythm of the train, Curtis wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me back with him so we were laying down on the make-do mattress. With barely any room for one person, let alone two, I quickly decided to turn and face into Curtis, to give his large frame more room. The man soon followed my actions and I was glad for the dim light. I was blushing like mad; we had never been this close before. With such little space, our arms soon found themselves laying lazily across each other's hips. "I think you would make a great leader," I whispered, echoing Edgar's words from earlier, searching those blue eye's I had come to adore.
Curtis said nothing, but I watched as his eyes darted across my face before he pulled me closer to his body and held me in a tight embrace. I instinctively wrapped my arms around him, feeling content for the first time in years. I couldn't help but smile against his chest. "Hazel?" He asked as I hummed in response. "How far back can you remember?" Curtis asked, his low voice vibrating through his chest. I opened my eyes and looked back at him. "I don't know, like what?" I replied, gripping his top in an attempt to pull him closer and warm myself more. "Your mother, you remember her?" Curtis asked, running his thumb along my jaw. "I can remember her face... every once in a while. But it's not clear." I responded sadly. Curtis was just about to reply but a loud bang caused us to bolt upright.

"Stay down, everybody. Everybody stay in your place." A guard began to order as a group of men in uniform cascaded through the gate and began marching between our bunks. I looked to Curtis fearfully as he ducked his head out of the curtain shielding our privacy "Fucking look at me. Keep down, keep down." Another guard shouted as Curtis reached down and grabbed his hat. No sooner had he placed it on his head did he roll back and engulf me in a bear hug hiding me from the prying eyes of inspecting guards, and faking our slumber. Moments later a guard ripped open the curtain and peered in, checking my bunk for any weapons, after a glance at the two of us the soldier soon left. "Medical inspection!" another guard suddenly shouted causing me to leave Curtis's arms and look out the curtain myself. What on Earth was going on?