Vent Book (ig)

I'm "Fine"

Well....that's the lie I've been telling everyone. And everyone doesn't believe it, so I say it again. But it just pains me to have to keep lying...so don't ask anymore. I really, really hate lying.

You may be wondering why I'm doing this. Well...that dumbass made me feel like this.

Broken.

Like I don't deserve anything.

Well...that's true. I agree. And like they said, I am just pathetic. And I'm weak.

They made me feel like I can't stand up for a friend...and that's exactly how it is.

I tried, but in the end, I lost.

I'm just a fucking crybaby over some dumb shit.

And that's how I'll always be.

Look, I really tried to defend my friend. And thank you for everyone who said it was good, and who reported them.

But..you all know the saying actions speak louder than words?

Well...I see it differently.

And I'm scarred forever.

Yet... even more now. And I'm just broken.

I try to show everyone that I'm happy. I try to say that I'm fine. I try to pull of a smile...yet that's all fake.

I can't do anything right...

I wonder how I even have friends in the first place...

But I for sure lost a lot.

Heh...you let people in your life...they're gonna destroy you..and make you feel terrible....and I've been feeling this way for years...

Now, I know everyone tells me not to worry, to be happy, and to talk to them if I need to...but...I feel like that's also a lie...

I just don't wanna hear it anymore!!

I'm tired of everything...and I just feel like the worse person ever....

Although... I have to listen to make people feel better...but it's still a lie..

Every time after I post a chapter like this, I act as if nothing happened. Then I go back to texting everyone..and I seem happy.

But once someone sees it....

It's downhill.

Maybe that's why a lot of people talk behind my back.

Maybe that's why no one trusts me...

Maybe that's why a lot of people don't like to talk to me anymore, even if they say that I can..

And I can see why no one loves me..

Great, now I'm sound like a problem..

I'm sorry to all of you reading this..you don't have to...

And don't even try helping me...

But this is one thing that I DON'T want to hear.

Don't go and read this and say that you've been through what I have. It's annoying. And I don't wanna hear it. I said this before...yet people ignored it.

I don't wanna hear your stories, what you've been through, and tell me that it's going to be ok.

Because I know it's just a lie.

And there's nothing that can make me change my mind about that.

Now, I try to be helpful and kind, and do anything I can to help my friends..

But it feels like I did that for nothing eventually...

And most of the time I just feel really useless....which is why I give up on doing anything anymore.

No..wait...I gave up a long time ago.

This is just...I don't even know anymore.

And this is why I wanna die.

Everything you read up until now explains why I want to die.

Although I do have a lot more I want to say, I just know that I can't.

I can't think straight.. and it would be a never-ending list of it..

And again, I'm sorry that I'm such a problem.

But I can fix that.

But I don't get why I can't just kill myself already...

Like, what's the big deal?

Why does everyone care so much?

You don't even know me in real life, so why care?

I bet no one does and just says they do so it can make me feel better.

I'm not that stupid now.

Maybe I should just do it...

Now this is starting to turn into a suicidal note or something, rather than a vent...but this is my first time.

Oh well.

And it may be my last.

Look, I'm not trying to cause problems, but I feel like I am.

Because I feel like a bother to everyone, and I can't do anything right.

Which is why I feel like my family and friends don't talk to me..

Even my gf....

I feel like I disappointed her in some way, which brings me down even more.

We don't talk anymore like how we used to...and it just makes me sad.

I'ma be honest, and I'm sorry, but the truth is better than anything here.

She's like the only one who makes me feel wanted. Like I deserve to live. Like I deserve to stay.

But she left...and now those feelings left me.

It's because I moved away...so now we're even farther apart..

And all we can do is talk and text.

We do text, but it's a rare thing now.

And when we call....it just brightens up my day..

But funny thing.

I heard on the radio that they said that calling people actually makes you more sad and depressed than doing it the original way. Writing. Pen pals.

And now I see that. They spoke the truth.

Oi, I carried on about this...I'm so sorry...

I didn't mean to make this a problem or anything..and I for sure didn't mean to bring in a relationship problem..

Man, I guess I am just weak.

I rely on people...

And I'm just a loner...

I can't stand this anymore...

I'm really sorry, but but it's true.

Maybe that's why those other two guys played me..

Ah, sorry. To me, this is just a big problem that I've been kept bottled up, and that may be a good thing that I left it out..but...

Isn't it better to keep them in? To show that you're not weak? That's what I think.

So...maybe I should've done that instead.

Keeping them bottled up is what made me think that I was fine.

Maybe I should actually just keep living what you guys call a lie...

Yeah...

I just gotta keep my emotions bottled up...

Because I don't wanna show that I'm a weak person, a mistake, who can't do anything right and who's just afraid of everything...

Even though that's what I am.