Vent Book (ig)

Strange

I thought I was done. With what exactly? With everything. I thought I was done with everything. And everyone. I shut people out, because I'm too scared. I can't accept help, because I feel like that makes me weak. And people tell me not to always depend on them. And I don't, which is why I hide my emotions very well. Which is why I lie. Yes, I lie. A lot actually. Too much. And...I'm sorry, but I lied to a lot of you. I'm not really okay. But I'm acting like I am. I'm acting happy. I'm trying my very best each day to stay positive and have hope with everything. But with all of my bad luck lately, that hasn't really been possible. And....I think I'm giving up. I lost so much motivation to do anything.

And now my family is talking about my weight. Why am I talking about it now? Why do I care? Why does it scare me? I don't eat. I am literally so small, it just looks terrible...and...I'm loosing motivation to even eat. And I'm never hungry. What's food? What is that? I don't know because I haven't eaten in a while, actually. But it's not like it's killing me, I mean, come on. I'm fine.

Next thing. New school year. In over one year, I think I transferred to three schools by now. And..it's terrible. I lost so many amazing friends and I left so many behind. But they don't talk to me like how they used to back then. So many things changed, why did friendship have to be something? I don't know the answer to the question. But I for sure don't want it. And get this, the school that I was just at...that was my first year there. And I'm already moving away from it. That's where I met my girlfriend. That's where I met all my amazing friends who I thought I would stay with until College. But I guess I was wrong. Everything was wrong. And, don't get me wrong, that school was terrible. The kids are so fucking loud, I would get a migraine each day. The halls are so crazy. And kids would fight. Literally. They would push each other to the floor and throw fists at each other, slam each other into desks and beat the shit out of each other. And it wasn't pretty. It wasn't funny. It wasn't cute. But a lot of kids laughed. And they cheered. And most of the people in my class would literally get out of their seats to go see it and would smile, laughing. My friends. Well...that doesn't seem to make me think that they're my friends anymore. I mean, eh. I lied so much there. And I made and lost so many trusts and promises. I had to think of lies to get me out of trouble. And I just can't anymore. I can't stand having to be the new kid again. It sucks and it hurts. It hurts to know that you're new and that you're going to be stared at. It hurts to know that you left all your friends. It hurts to know that you could possibly not have any friends and be all alone that year. It hurts to know that you might be hated and people will be jealous of you. And it surely hurts to know that they will make fun of you, bully you to the point to where you just want to end it all.

My birthday. Oh, what a fun time. It's coming up, actually. And I'm not ready for it. I don't want it. I want nothing to do with it. Why? Because I can't stand it. I can't stand the center of attention. I hate my birthday, because it's terrible. And usually something bad happens on my birthday, so I guess I better get ready. It's so close. And I'm having a sleepover this year. My mom told me I could only invite two people. And two people who know each other. Well, all my friends I know live sooooo far away, or live very close but I don't know it they can come or not. Well, I'm inviting my cousin, Elli, to see if she can come. And I wanted to invite Lane, but he said his dad won't let him go to my house because I'm a girl. Like...the fuck? But...that thing that scares me...is that the only person that Elli knows very well as much as I do is...my ex. So, I'ma try to invite her. Although it's going to be a bit weird. And...awkward. I don't know how I'm going to be able to face her, I mean, come on. She dumped me. I'm supposed to get over it like that? I've had my heart played with about four times now. And it really hurts. My heart has never been fixed. So it stayed broken. And I believe that's how it will stay for the rest of my horrible, horrible life I have. But hey, life isn't fair. It never is. Which is why we have to play it like a game. Because we only have a certain amount of chances before we end up dying. And who knows if you ever got to really do what you want to before you reached your destination. I know I surely haven't, and look at me. I want to grab that knife and slit my throat open. I wanna cut. I wanna kill myself. But I can't. I just can't. I'm too scared to do it.

Talking. Being ignored. Being played. Being used. Yep. That's all. All right there. People say I talk to much. Well, I obviously do. But they say talking is better than not saying nothing at all!! That probably doesn't make any sense, but who gives a damn?! Hah, not me! I get in trouble for talking. I don't understand how. Or why. But I just do. And I don't feel like I'm being treated correctly. I don't have the best life. But who am I to speak up about that? Apparently, I'm just a kid. I can't have an opinion, because it doesn't matter. I don't make the rules, so I don't have a say in things. And my mom told me that. But what she doesn't know is that she broke me. It's killing me. And I want it to kill her. Ya see, I'm very dark. I have a dark mind. Dark thoughts. It's quite funny to actually think about for a moment. And I always question reality. I sometimes think it's a dream. And when I stand up, I think I stand up too fast because I start swaying and my vision...I can't see. And that's the one time I feel like I'm not real. That's the one time I feel like I'm dreaming, like I'm dead. That's the one time I really block anything and everything out and not pay attention. But as soon as I come back to focus, it's like nothing ever happened. And my mom didn't even notice when that happened. It still does, but she's never around. Heh. Some good mother she is. And my stepdad drinks. And smokes. Ya know, now that I remember, he was in jail. So...I'm not sure how I handle that situation. But, eh. I'm fine. This is my life. My problems. So that means that I can fix my problems. Being ignored? Hah, do I have to say anything?! It's quite obvious!!!!!! I'm not even noticed, so what's the point? Hmm? I would like to hear an answer to that. Being played...ah, yes. That sure is fun, isn't it? It's the very best. When you think someone that you know...instantly turns on you. Stabs you in the back. And that REALLY hurts. But you wouldn't know. You would think it's funny, because you only see it on TV. We'll see who's laughing when you realize that you just be betrayed by someone you TRUSTED. Because guess what? They know so much about you, that they can use things against you now. And you can never escape the terror from the trauma. Because they won't leave you alone ever again. And they will make your life a living hell. Being used.........fuck the explanation for that one. Being used. That's all I got to say.

We all think the world is good. Right? Well take another look. And you just looked into mine. But believe me, there's WAY more to this story than you could think. So don't ever judge somebody by their cover. Don't ever be mean to anyone. Don't even think about hurting a person. Because look what happens to them. They become broken. Just like me.