Ok, I know, another nightmare. Sounds terrible, right? Well, this time, that's incorrect!
Sounds confusing, right? Listen, I'm not one of the people that wakes up screaming or breathing heavily, I just wake up, be scared for a few minutes (normally half an hour or more, this case was unique though), and lay there, silent, you wouldn't even be able to know I had a nightmare. I remember having a nightmare on a field trip, I had to share a room, literally all my friends said when I woke up was, "want to go down to breakfast with us?" They had no clue I just had a nightmare, that's how I am.
So, normally a day or two later, in rare cases a few hours later, I find myself loving the nightmare, the components in it, everything about it. And it's a nice feeling.
This time was unique in multiple ways, I only laid in bed, scared, for a maximum of five minutes. And three minutes later? I find myself loving the nightmare entirely. Granted, I wouldn't want to have a nightmare that terrifying again, sounds like torture.
You see, most nightmares I have don't bring out the side of me that has trust issues, or any mental health problems I have. This one was different, I found myself not trusting anyone, especially not the kids, I found myself nearly having a panic attack from all the blood, bones cracking in a dog's mouth, the children's eyes, I found myself having trouble socializing, these are uncommon, heck even nonexistent, I'm my dreams or nightmares. I loved it, I loved seeing that kind of negativity in a nightmare.
It was so exciting to be able to analyze that, because it had never happened,I normally have a pretty blank reaction in the nightmare itself, I'll be scared, but only mildly, because something in the back of my head says it isn't real. Yet, I love living out the Dream and seeing where it will go, despite knowing I could possibly change it or wake up when I want to.
That's another thing about this nightmare, I saw things starting to get really fucked up, and decided I didn't want to be there anymore, so I woke up. Lets just say I saw the potential flood, saw what had happened with the other kids and how they influenced my family's deaths, and knew things would only get worse. The image of my mom's flesh melting off her bone was already terrifying enough, only makes it worse that she was still talking to me while it happened.
I personally love the thrill of a nightmare, I know that sounds bad, but hear me out.
When I was a kid, very little, like, 2-3 years old, I had night terrors every night, I'd scream for hours and my mom couldn't do anything to help, no matter how hard she tried. And when I didn't have night terrors, I'd have nightmares. I never had a good dream. This went on until I was.....five and a half maybe? It was horrific according to my mom, and now she says she wish she'd have seen the signs of a child who would be mentally fucked up in the future. She said she knew things like that were signs of someone who'd have extreme anxiety, depression, things like that. But she was only focused on the present, I mean, can you blame her?
So back on the topic of nightmares, if you had nightmares that often, don't you think you'd grow even a little used to them? Or at least have something that calms you down afterwards? It wasn't until a year or two later after having nightly night terrors and nightmares that I learned how to calm myself down. So what do you do in this situation?
I was a curious kid, wanting answers to everything, still am, still do. So, I asked about nightmares, what made them? Why? I got pretty vague answers, I mean, my mom isn't a specialist in dreaming, she's a nurse in the critical care unit, she doesn't know much. But it was enough for me to grasp.
I didn't have many nightmares after that. Middle school changed that, but only slightly, I've had more nightmares in a year than I have in all of elementary school, memorable ones anyways. The only one from elementary school was about a spider, a really big one (I used to have arachnophobia).
But since I had had so many nightmares when I was little, I started growing pretty numb to them, being scared initially, but nothing afterwards. Even interest and excitement thinking about it days later. Sometimes on a rare occasion, I'm completely aware that it's a nightmare, that it isn't real, that these negative reactions are only because of my brain generating something that displeases me. But I decide to live out the nightmare, because I enjoy the later thoughts about the nightmare and how I felt. So I soak in the negativity, and it's such a nice feeling, I like seeing myself suffer in a situation that isn't real, I like feeling those false emotions.
But normally it's just fear, that's it.
This time was so different, the feeling of being on the edge of a panic attack to something that isn't real, that won't ever be real, the idea of a fake panic attack, the emotion that comes with it, the anxiety of talking to take people that don't exist, the overall absolute terror, just typing this, I'm shaking from excitement, it's an odd form of happiness, one of the few green happiness. Chartreuse. It's just so thrilling, it's almost euphoric.
I sound insane, I know, but this experience was so new, it couldn't be ignored. Having such emotions in a nightmare only happened when I was 3-4 years old, I barely remember it but it's there, back then it was the worst thing. Now, it's amazing, in reality I hate feeling like that, but in a dream, where it isn't real, where you can make anything happen, where you can just feel like that with no negative consequences, that's what I like.
I remember in the dream, starting to panic, curl up, cringe away from the horror that was my great uncle's hand, or what's left of it, my nails digging into my scalp, but feeling no pain, I remember the excitement, just barely there, that I felt of such an event happening in a nightmare.
Not trusting someone, that weariness, how you become suspicious of their every move, every word they say as you analyze it. Every time they open that door, what goes through your head as you think "they're gonna kill someone". Yet trying to reassure yourself that it's alright, that that's not true. Whenever they touch you, you panic, whenever they look at you with a smile you think "it's not real, they're trying to trick me into falling into their trap". That tension my brain builds inside a false scenario, that also brings excitement to mind.
The feeling of my voice cutting off, feeling choked up, panicking just because I'm talking to someone, the warning symbols flashing in my brain, the mini panic, my rubbing my arm or the back of my neck as an automatic stress response, that invokes even more excitement. I love it, I love it so much. That burning feeling behind your eyes when in reality I couldn't feel it, the choked up feeling, burning in your throat, it's not happening. The things that aren't real is what I love, not real negativity, just a simple reaction to something your brain is creating. That's all it is, yet the simplicity of it only makes it so much better.
This nightmare really was the best I've had in a while. My brain is simply using it's creativity in ways it normally can't because horror is a difficult field that I don't think in. I couldn't write a horror story, it's just not possible, I don't have the writing skills for one, and two, I just can't think up scenarios that are genuinely terrifying. But my brain coming up with something like this in a nightmare, it's intriguing. It can only happen in a nightmare, and when trying to write a story out of it, it falls apart. It's frustrating, because I can't capture it, because no one will be able to experience what I did, and that upsets me, I want people to feel that thrill, feel how I did in such a nightmare, yet they can't, because they don't understand, and because I can't write it.
This turned out way longer than expected, but this topic really gets me going, and I like feeling that excitement, so I guess it makes sense.
Have a nice day
