notadiary

7. ...

Hilu. I don't know what to write.
I don't have anything to write about.

It feels like I'm in a black cave, with a tiny hole where a little bit of is light peeking through.

No creativity in any aspect and all the days are just bleeding together. I look back at all the days, even the one today and it looks blurry, nothing has happened, I haven't done anything.

I just feel tired...

Keeping that smiling mask on though, maybe I will feel happy if I pretend to. We'll see.

~

Hilu again. This was from earlier today, I was feeling awful, and I wasn't actually to dramatic there either cause that is how I've been feeling a lot lately, but all in all, I am doing ok.

The thing is that those moments where I feel like that has become more frequent than before, and I know that there are some many others in the world that really are struggling with worse things, so it's not that I am saying or thinking that, like I am really privileged.

I have struggled with depression my whole life, on and of. I don't think that I am depressed at the moment though.

But I need to fix these patterns my brain has started following, cause if the dark and lonely thoughts take more space than the happy once than that ain't good.

Another thing is my anxiety! Yes, I deal with anxiety too. Not nearly as bad as when it first said hi, I actually have learned to control it pretty good this last year, but sometimes it still takes over me, and the last months it was getting worse, anxiety, combined with loads of stress.. not good.

What I'm scared of now is meeting people after this whole corona period. I haven't met people for real for a long time now, only 3 of my friends in person and one over messenger.

I've been to the store a few times when there weren't a lot of people there. I haven't really met people.

I am scared that it'll be bad when everything opens again. I am scared of going back to the world.

I really want my everyday back, of course, but I'm scared, I don't know how to handle my anxiety anymore, and I'm scared of that as well.

The anxiety of anxiety is not a great thing.

And by the way, having dealt with depression and anxiety is nothing in just saying that isn't anything, you should joke about or use as an expression!
Take It someone who has dealt with it A LOT.

~

I'm sorry this was such a dark and heavy chapter, but it really helped just putting it out there and into words since this has been a lot of things building up inside me for a long time now. Even from before everything with this Covid-19 pandemic.

I hope everyone is doing ok, staying healthy in both their body and mind, thank you so much for reading this. It was not meant as whining and complaining just a way for me to get some stuff of my chest.

And again, stay healthy and safe!❤

(Sorryforanyspellingmistakes)