notadiary

16. Hello again!

Hi! There's been a second since last time I've written here😅 Ive gone trough some stuff, and while I like to use writing as a way to vent, I have talked.. A LOT (like, I talk a lot about stuff with my family anyways,  but thats not the point), and I don't really feel like writing everything down, 1. because It's a lot, and 2. because I'm kinda done with it and I don't want to bring it up, because then I won't sleep tonight😐 and I really need to sleep😳!

Anyways, there is still a lot on my mind right now, it is some other stuff even tough that old stuff still kinda is clinging to my brain😕.

Ok, I an just rambling😐, like jeez grl, stick to the topic 🤦‍♀️

Here I go:

Anyways,  the new topics that are irritating the shit out of me😬...

-Oh! There are a lot of good stuff to thoug😅🥰

  -Well, this is going to be all oulver the place, I am going to try to keep it understandable😂, but sorry if its not🥺

__ here it is (finally):

_(whoops, didn't mean to make a sad face, sorry)

____ tada:

I was in to drama thing's last year, I'm not going into detail but I will explain a bit.

The first drama was with someone that me and two of my friends was in a friendgroup, with. That drama really messed with my emotions and made things really hard for me and my friends. It was really bad and we are not longer friends with this person.

During this my anxiety got worse and I was on the edge of getting depressed. I cried every single day and experienced self harming.
-I want to say that it wasn't like really bad or anything,  and it wasn't a lot but it did happen a few times, and that is something I for the most part have kept secret to now.

During this drama, another person that I did get friends with a month or two earlyer, involved themselves and kinda helped out even though it wasn't needed.

After this drama this new person and a person I am friends with now started to ignore and push me away,  and when I asked why the blamed it on me. They were talking about parties and other things like that loudly around me and starring in a bad way. Literally turning their backs to me and just being cruel.

I had a lot of problems with my metabolism at the time and I was extremely weak both physically and mentally,  so them pushing me further down didn't really help. There was actually days I left school because of them and when I got home I just started hysterically crying,  and my mom would try calm me down, but I was just such a mess, like I feel it in my whole body just thinking of it.

I said I wouldn't go in detail about it, so I won't.

Fast forward to two days ago. I have kinda been included in a new friendgroup and I love being with them. (There hasn't been to many times bu I really appreciate all of them).

Two days ago

We were kinda hanging,  and we ended up playing volleyball.

I'll call the person in the first drama 1 and the person in the second drama 2, and that friend of mine that was in the second drama I'll call 3.

3 had got a missing call from 1, which everyone thought was weird so she tried calling 1 again, but 1 didn't answer. (Sorry for the weird sentences, I'm trying to keep them neutral😅)

After a while 3 called 2 because 1 and 2 are friends, and do spend a lot of time together +it was 2's birthday,  so yeh.. 2 answered and asked to show up.

-like, WHY!!!!

I began to get really stressed and so were Kate and Amalie, who was my friends in the first drama with 1.
They show up and sits don on a bench nearby where my phone and card is, and I don't trust them so I asks 3 if she can come with me to pick up my stuff. She comes with me, and 1 says "HELLOOUUU" trying to be SO freaking polite with that fake voice that just are so bsknplkmngfdinotmnbvhjk

So I out of the blue, without really tinking, goes:

"HA!" I pick up my stuff and walkes pack to the rest of the people.

Shit! Did I really do that, like, I always thinks that I should be that sassy sometimes, but never really are.

Oof.
Haha

They leave,  come back and by this time, the stress I had been feeling was evolving int something I recognized a little to well..

If you guessed anxiety-attack you just won a million dollars (not really)

I miraculously keeps it inside but it is hard. I try to smile, nope, talk, heck no, I see blurry, It's hard to breath, I feel the pressure of my tears trying to escape, I'm dizzy and a bunch of more things. They leave and Amalie asks if everything's fine, I try to say no and tears just startr poring,  I walk away as usual and Amalie and Kate comes after.

I love them. I don't know what I would have done there and then if they wasn't with me. I have no idea why seing 1 and 2 gave me an anxiety attack,  I haven't cared about them in months.

I know I'm not the only one who was more than uncomfortable,  I know I'm not the person who had it the worst in the first drama, and I know I have amasing friends who love and suport me and thats more than I ever thought I would have.

I hope I'm not to much,  and I hope they know how much I appreciate and Love them, and even though this school year has been rough, It has also been pretty damn great in other areas.  I have grown so much, I still am. And If I knew that the new friends I have now would be there at the start of this school year I would have been shocked.  Cause it is a litle to good to be through.

❤❤❤❤

Sorryforanyspellingmistakes