notadiary

17. Body image++

Okey, here I go.

🔴If you have problems with hearing about strugles with mindset around food and body, or food and body at all, I suggest that you skip this chapter.🔴

I deal with horrible body image all the fucking damn time. I know that im far from alone when it comes to that, and that there are a lot of people that deal with things much worse.
I know that there are a lot going on right now.

But for me and my metal and physical health, I need to let all out, and if not all, then a lot.

~

Body

I do not like how my body look, I don't like how my body feels. I am glad that I have a body, but still, it's hard for me to acsept myself and the body that comes with.

I feel fat. I know im not but that doesn't change the way I feel.

It's weird, because everyone else with some extra fat are gorgeous in my eyes. I think everyone is amazing nomatter size, no joke!

But when it comes to myself, nah!

I know it, I sound like a hypocrite to myself.

I am SO, SO, mean to myself,  it's not cute! But I won't stop. I keep continuing to bully myself.

Food

I eat enough and I eat healthy as well as I treat myself sometimes. But I do strugle with food. No, I don't have an eating disorder, I am really happy I don't and I am not at all aiming for that. (Don't know why anyone would!)

It is my mindset.  Everytime I eat something, I feel guilty, I feel bad, and the taughts just starts circulating around in my mind.

I love food, but I never feel good after having eaten something.
It can be healthy, it can be ok, or of course,  it can be unhealthy.
It can be a large, medium or small portion.
I can undereat, eat enough or overeat.
It could be a good meal or awfull, it can even be a tiny candy.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I'll still feel like crap afterwords.

~

I am working with all of this, I know it was a lot.
I talked with may parents about this tonight, and these are things that I have dealt with for years. It is things that have affected me, and things that have built up.

I am working on loving myself,
Loving my body,
Loving my fat,
Loving me as a whole.

I know it far from comes overnight, but I have people that love me, I have family that suports me, and what more can you ask for?

This was dark, I am really dark a lot of the time, and that's when I come here to complain.

Sorry...

I will work trough my mind, and trough the bad shit, and I will post lighter stuff to.

🟡Thank's for reading this depressive chapter, and if you didn't,  I really do understand. I try to keep myself from triggering stuff too.🟡