face to face || b.e

nineteen

* listen to the song as you read so you can cry with me *

kasier

i sat in my bed for the fourth day in a row dreading life.

phone on dnd, i don't wanna be reminded that she was really gone. her funeral is this saturday and i didn't know if i wanted to go or not.

i picked up my phone and looked through instagram. thousands of goodbye edits, the hashtag rip billie was trending, when will this nightmare come to an end.

i'd gotten many messages of encouragement and condolences but it isn't stopping this hearthache. nothing will

my phone rung and it read bil :)

my lips quivered and my eyes watered as i clicked the green button and waited to hear something. but nothing

until i hear her voice, billies voice

' kasier, if you're hearing this it's because i'm gone. this is prerecorded. kasier you brought out the best and worst in me and i never want you to forget that, i love you with every inch of my body. and i'm so sorry i'm leaving the way i am but i'm tired. tired of feeling regret, pain, anger, and confusion. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and i'm eternally in love with you. i'll see you in due time ' the line went silent

i put my head in my knees and cried, my love is gone. my first ever real love experience

i laid back and stared at the ceiling. pain is my bestfriend

three days later

i sat on the brown bench in my black dress. feelings completely empty. i see everyone billie was involved with, everyone's life she's made better.

and i look up at the front of the room. her body in that casket, i want her to wake up and hold me. just once more

the pastor spoke but i couldn't pay attention, one tear slipped from my eye but i wiped it quickly.

after the funeral i talked to many people, it was time for me to face maggie, patrick, and finneas

i walked up the them and look at them, finneas grabbed me and hugged me, i wrapped my arms around him and cried

' i'm so sorry finneas ' i stammered

maggie and patrick added to the hug and for the first time i felt something, not emptiness atleast

my face buried in finneas' chest as i cried, the feeling of maggie and patrick's warmth really brought some life into me

i slowly let go of the hug, my face wet and my makeup ruined. ' i love you guys so much, and i'm sorry that this happening ' i spoke

' we love you too k, we're all just trying to get through it ' finneas said

' our baby is in a better place ' maggie said

i nodded and after a bit more conversation i'd gotten away and found myself at the casket

most people had left, i looked down at her body, she doesn't look the same. she doesn't glow the same

i touched her hand and it was so cold, i picked it up and kissed her hand

' billie i'm sorry, babe please wake up ' i whimpered

her hand still in mine, tears poured from my eyes. feeling her for the first time in a year and this is the way i have to do it.

' cmon babe, wake up, this isn't real you're here  with me ' i said

' please billie, i need you ' i murmured

' you sure you need me? ' i hear her voice from behind me

my head snapped in that direction and i seen her, standing there

' b-billie, but how? ' i wipes my tears

' i would never leave you, mamas ' she said

i reached to hug her, but nothing. i felt nothing

' why can't i hold you, i- i need to hold you billie ' i stuttered

' i'm here baby, i'm with you even when you think i'm not ' she spoke

' i love you ' she said

' i love you, i love you so much billie ' i said and  with that she vanished right before my eyes

i sighed and placed my hand over my heart ' i miss you already '