New Start

Toby & Alex Memories

Sunday night, I was a little bit worried when Toby wasn't home by midnight. The previous nights when he worked overtime, he was home around 11:30. I fell asleep on the couch and kept waking up and checking for his truck. It was around 2:00 AM, an idling car woke me up. I looked up and a taxi had pulled up and Toby stumbled out of the taxi, nearly falling onto the ground. I grabbed my keys and put on some shoes and rushed outside wearing only an old t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

"Toby, are you okay?"

"Petey?"

He was drunk. Wasted drunk. Drunker than I'd ever seen him. I've seen him throw back beer after beer and it didn't affect him like this.

I helped Toby pay the cab driver and then held his arm, trying to hold him steady as we walked to his apartment. He couldn't get the key in the lock, so I helped him unlock the door and then helped him inside his apartment.

I wasn't sure what to do. I sat him down on the couch and told him I'd be right back. I returned to my apartment and picked up my phone and locked my door before I returned to Toby's. I called Max to ask him what I should to. Max was drunk, too. What the hell! He told me to give him water and aspirin and he'd come over in the morning when he could drive.

I got a big glass of water and some aspirin from the bathroom and gave it to Toby to drink. He looked so tired and so sad, like he was on the verge of crying. I helped him to his bedroom. I pulled off his shoes, pants and shirt, leaving him in dark blue boxer shorts and a white tank undershirt. I helped him into bed and pulled the covers up over him. He looked so helpless lying there with his eyes closed.

I returned to the living room and kicked off my shoes and laid down on his couch. I figured I'd hang out for a little bit in case he needed me. I woke up in the middle of the night when I heard Toby knock something over on his way out of the bedroom. He was headed for the kitchen.

I sat up and quietly said, "Toby? What are you doing?"

"Alex?"

"No, it's me. It's Petey."

"Petey? I need a drink."

I got up and got Toby a big glass of water.

"Not water," he said, pushing it away.

"Yes, water."

I made him drink the glass and then I walked him back to the bedroom. I put him back under the blankets. "Go back to sleep, Toby."

Toby grabbed my wrist. "Petey. Don't go."

He pulled the blankets aside and I crawled in with him. He turned over so his back was to me. I moved a little bit closer and laid there quietly unable to sleep. I must have finally drifted off because movement and noises woke me up with a start.

Toby was still on his side facing away from me. His shoulders were shaking and he was crying. I put my hand on his arm and he jumped.

"Toby, are you okay?" I whispered.

He rolled over. It was still the middle of the night and in the dark, I could barely see his face.

"Petey? What are you doing here?"

"You asked me to stay. Remember?"

Toby was struggling not to cry. I moved closer to him and put my hand on his chest.

"What's wrong, Toby? Are you okay?"

Toby started crying again. "I miss him, Petey. I miss him so much."

"Who Toby?"

"Alex. He's gone... and it's my fault."

I held onto Toby as he sobbed in my arms. I had my arms around him and his head was on my chest and I held him like a little boy. This grown man who weighed almost 100 pounds more than me and was almost a foot taller than me was hurting and it broke my heart. I held him and cried with him.

Toby sniffled and quietly told me his story. "I met Alex in college. Me, Alex and Max were best friends. Alex and I fell in love. We were together three years, until... It was five years ago, we were supposed to go away Memorial Day weekend. I was at the hospital, running late like always. When I didn't come home on time, I guess Alex decided to come to the hospital to pick me up. When they wheeled him in, I didn't recognize him right away. A truck had run a red light, right in front of the hospital. We couldn't save him."

"Oh, god," I whispered. I held Toby tight as we both cried.

"It's not your fault, Toby," I said.

"If I had been home on time, he wouldn't have been driving."

"Toby, it was an accident. Do you think Alex would want you to live in pain like this?"

"I promised him I'd never leave him. I feel so guilty, Petey."

"I know. But what if it happened to you? Would you want Alex to go through life like this?"

"No... Of course not... But..."

"Why don't you get some sleep, and if you want to talk more in the morning, we can."

"Stay with me, Petey."

"Okay."

I rolled over onto my side away from Toby and pulled the blankets up. Toby turned and spooned up behind me and pulled me to him.

"I love you, Petey," he whispered so quiet I could barely hear him.

"I love you, too, Toby," I whispered back.

I felt Toby's arms tighten around me and his breathing evened out and he started snoring quietly in my ear. Before I could even digest all that happened, I was asleep.