Peace when you are done

The Forest

Author's note: I decided to post 2 chapters tonight since Shepard's chapter was pretty short, and I know you're really here for the SnowBaz. Please comment or vote if you are enjoying the story. Thanks for reading!!

Baz POV

I'm lying on my back in the forest, lying in the dirt. I don't even care anymore. I drained 3 deer, and I think I overdid it a little. I can't remember doing that before, overeating as a vampire. It does not feel good.

None of this feels good. I start cataloging the worst moments because, as my entire life would suggest, I am a glutton for punishment. I remember feeling like I didn't deserve to live, coming to the forest alone, trying to kill myself with fire. Simon came then, to kiss me, to save me. I remember standing over Simon's motionless body on the ground after he had been shot in Lamb's betrayal. At the sight of him, I felt myself breaking on the inside and then being overwhelmed by rage. I ripped the Next Blood Leader's jaw off. Simon came then too, to save me. He got up and fought and ultimately lifted me out of the way of the fire.

Those were horrible, singular moments. Still, what's worse is this cascade of tiny moments, the ones that brought me here to stuff myself and literally wallow in my sorrows. Simon has rejected me, my attention, my affection, my love in so many small ways, more times than I can count. Simon saves me from danger. Simon saves me from fire. But Simon never saves me from Simon.

"Baz?"

I cannot believe it. I look up, and I see Simon standing there above me. For an instant, my heart soars. He came. To find me. To save me. Then I see the look on his face.

"How did you find me, Snow?"

"I just did. I knew you'd be hungry."

Simon drops down to sit, not next to me, but close enough to talk. I'm petrified what he'll say next. I sit up so that I can see him for our conversation. A moment passes. It's worse than I feared; he says nothing at all.

"Snow, I don't know how to make you happy."

Simon finally finds his tongue, and it's not for kisses. "Baz, this is who I am. I'm awful. I'm a waste. I hate how miserable I make you. I hate that you and Penny treat me like a charity case, that you thought you had to lie to me about Watford."

"Bunce lied to both of us, Snow."

"You should have told me!" he shouts. His hands are clenched in fists, and his face is getting red. But like everything else with Simon, he doesn't know how to channel what's happening. His anger is gone as quickly as it appeared, replaced by something more raw and pained. His shoulders hunch, and he looks away. His voice softens and goes quiet. "You should have told me when you realized the truth."

"You're right, Simon. I'm sorry. Please, what can I do so that you can trust me again?"

He sighs, "Baz, it doesn't matter. That's not what's making you miserable, and you know it."

I'm desperate now. "Simon, I love you. Who you are isn't making me miserable. Loving you isn't making me miserable."

"Yeah, but you are miserable, aren't you, Baz?"

These moments. This cascade that keeps coming. This one right here. These moments hurt too damn much. When Simon cuts into me. Simon, who is nothing but good and true, who doesn't know how to tell lies or act manipulative. When he pushes me away, it's not a tactic or dishonestly. I'm right here, his for the taking, and he genuinely will not accept me. When Simon rejects me – what I'm saying, what I'm offering– it hurts more than I can feel.

"Please, if you would just talk to me, tell me what you want. I thought you wanted this. I don't know what you want, Simon."

Oh no. I should have used different words. I see in the pained expression on his face recognition of what I've said. "I don't know what you want, Simon" was exactly what I said the night that I thought we were going to have sex. And of all the horrible moments I'd been replaying in my mind, this is the one that makes me ugly cry. I was left sitting there in my boxers. He walked away from me, and I never really got him back after that.

Simon isn't saying anything anymore. He's just staring at the ground, pulling up bits of earth.

I catch my composure just enough to plead with him again. "Simon, please. Please tell me what you are thinking."

"Baz, this isn't working. It hasn't been for a long time. I said I wanted to be your horrible boyfriend, and I am horrible, and I can't be horrible to you anymore—"

And I get up and run away from him, full vampire speed, before he can break up with me.