Sending Some Bitterness (Story and Advice corner)

Prologue

#SENDINGSOMEBITTERNESS Prologue

Looking at the stars never felt so addictive to look at until this evening. Actually, the truth is, I'd never paid attention to it, I was so busy planning out my whole life in front of me that I'd never bothered to look anywhere else. I thought I had the time or so I thought.

If somebody saw my current state right now, they would have probably called the police and report me. Though yes, it's not normal when you're sitting at the roof of your house and laughing. It would also probably scare me off but this is different, the amount of pain I'm dealing with is no joke that it makes me actually laugh, laughing at myself because I'm so helpless and I'm so done with pity.

Pity makes me nausea, every time I try to open up with someone, they will look me the same way, they will say the same thing over and over again. And I'd stop trying to make them understand how I feel because neither do I understood it.

Our two-storey house, not that grand but a simple home painted with a faint touch of yellow, that it actually looks tan if you asked me, but my mom insisted that it's yellow and the only sure thing about my mom if she says it is, then it is really. I loved our front porch, my dad decided to put plants and flowers in it, it looks lovely and lively. When we're having tea and hanging out with our porch, our neighborhood if they stopped by, would always wave at my parents and smile. My parents are simply the greatest. Sadly, now, I don't have that greatness.

I tried to reached up the sky, wanting to feel something. That maybe somehow I can feel them and this sadness will be gone within seconds. But who am I kidding, just like this sky above me, it is so vast that without it stars, it would be completely empty.

That's exactly what I am.

"What if tumalon nalang kaya ako dito?" And now I am talking to myself, hindi ko na alam kung saan aabot itong kabaliwan kong ito.

Kung tatalon man ako ngayon for sure kailangan ko pa ng mas mataas na building, kasi kung tatalon ako dito sa bahay naming baka pilay lang ang abutin ko dahil sa katangahan ko. If magpatiwakal naman ako for sure nakalabas ang dila ko once I've lost all the oxygen pumping inside my brain. Slitting my wrist is a slow death wish, and that's what I'm doing.

I hate movies or books that romanticizes suicide, there is nothing lovely about it. I was against it when I was in high school, I thought ending your own life is a cowardice, running away and attempting to leave from it, how selfish of them to leave and let others grieve from what they lost. I thought it was all easy, never did I imagine that I would come to this point where I wanted to end it all. I never understood them until it happened to me.

There are times that you wake up and there's this feeling that you know something is not right, that it's just too different but you can't explain it. That gut feeling that you're dreading of what will happen, that you're too scared to be happy because you know some things are not for free, that you will need to pay for such. I've been living my life just fine until I've received a phone call, one call and it cost me a lot.

"Is this the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Sandoval? Your family have met an accident while coming home from your sister's recital. I'm sorry but all three did not survive the crash. Can you come to St. Peter Hospital and identify them?"

"How long will you make me feel this way?" I dared to ask God.

I waited for answers. None came.

I was about to climb down when I heard something.

"What the actual fuck?" That's all what I've said when I've realized what I've heard is.

For pete's sake, they are moaning. I looked at my neighbor's window and I almost slipped when I saw who are those people. Shit may be in my favor because I happen to see the most fucked up scene I've witness, it's none other than Theo with Vivien fucking each other relentlessly. Well that's normal if only Theo is not the boyfriend of Vivien's cousin.

And well, it would all be good if I'll just pretend that I did not saw anything between them and climbed my way down and try to live my life.

Unfortunately, I was not lucky as I think I am. I managed to slipped my foot and shout my fear to my impending fate and fall down. I fall flat to my butt, and as much as this day could get worse, thankfully nothing serious happened but I think I broke my leg.

"Shit, Kailangan ko yata ng saklay."

"What is that?" That deep baritone voice, scared the wits out of me.

Holy Mother of God, why did I thought I need saklay when I'll be dead by Theo.

"Sandoval? What the fuck are you doing there?"

"Hehe, did you know that star gazing is a good relaxation?" After I've said that, akala ko noon may pag kabobo ako, ngayon sigurado nako. God, you can get me now.

The moon illuminated his face. Bakit ang gwapo nito? Nakakainis ang daya daya naman, mas makinis pa yata ito sa akin at mas matangos ang ilong.

Nagtagal yung tingin ko sakanya, hinahanapan ng pwedeng pamintas sa pagkatao niya, kahit maliit na blackheads man lang sana.

"Are you peeping at me?" He looked at me as if I am some kind of a weirdo.

"Excuse me! Me?"

"Well, yeah." He looked sideways. "Sino pa ba, tayo lang naman ang nandito? Are you dumb?"

Ang kinis nga ng mukha nito pero ang gaspang naman ng ugali.

"Isumbong kaya kita kay Vivien?" I'm trying to taunt him. "Kayong mga lalake talaga, hindi makuntento sa isa. Talagang magpinsan pa ang tinuhog mo, ayos yan." Trying to annoy him more. "Keep it up, bye."