Tangled Webs II: Normal For The Spider - An SVU fic

14.Shattered

***chapter contains rape and violence***

Langan home...

A bit later, Olivia sat curled up in one of the living room armchairs by the window, staring absently outside. It had begun snowing, and her mind suddenly wandered to Christmas. They'd alternated where they'd spend them every year between home and Trevor's parents house in Connecticut and she'd been so happy that this year was a home year. The moment she and the children returned from France she'd begun preparing the house; seven Christmas trees downstairs, the grandest of which towered ten feet tall in the main foyer, it's ornaments and lights sparkling beautifully. She let out a sigh. Her mind had a way of focusing on menial things when she was going through turmoil, she knew this but this time, no amount of distraction would take her mind away from what she felt was a betrayal from the man who promised again and again that he'd never hurt her.

She anxiously rubbed her hands over the expanse of her belly as more tears trailed her face. With the baby being so active tonight she was feeling some discomfort but not so much that it was bothersome. She smiled, thankful for the tiny life inside her, so thankful for all of her children because they've been her very sanity. She remembers when she was carrying Chloe, how excited Trevor was at becoming a father for the first time, probably more excited than she was at becoming a mother even in spite of the hell they'd been going through because of Elliot and Trevor not even knowing for sure that their daughter was indeed his; yet still, he loved her from the very moment he knew that Olivia was carrying her. Too bad neither of them had a clue that their world would fall apart within the 3 months that followed finding out that she was, in fact Trevor's but it did and now here they are...

"Fallout..." she whispered to herself through her tears. She looked down at her belly, noticing how much bigger it had gotten and her sobs overtook her when she thought of the day she woke up in that hospital five years ago. One look at Trevor's face and she knew. The news had crushed her then and right now, she felt like she was being crushed all over again.

Trevor stood in the doorway of the living room watching her and wanting nothing more than to take her in his arms and make everything right. He'd done this to her, he was the reason her heart was breaking right now and he hated himself for it. He wanted to protect her but only ended up hurting her worse than he ever could.

"Liv..." she immediately wiped her tears away when she heard his voice, then his footsteps as he made his way over and stood in front of her, looking down. She wouldn't raise her head to look at him so he got down on his knees in front of her. "Baby, please look at me" she bit her lip, hesitating before turning to face him.

"You have to know that I was only trying to protect you"

"By making me doubt myself and my ability to be a good mother?"

"You are an AMAZING woman and an even more amazing mother! You love our kids with everything inside you and they know it, they are the luckiest kids in the world to have you."

"Was there ever a time over the years that you thought to yourself... " she began but changed her mind "you know what? It doesn't matter because the fact is you had every opportunity over the last five years to tell me the truth and stop me from hating myself for what I thought I did to our baby girl but you didn't! You just sat back and watched me wallow in the pain of something that I never should have blamed myself for; the nightmares, the heartache... the amount of therapy alone, just to stop hating myself! it was the reason I obsessed so hard about getting pregnant again. I felt like you hated me for losing her; even though you wouldn't say it, in my mind I was convinced that you saw me as less of a woman because I didn't protect our daughter and get her here safely and I thought that the only way you'd ever truly forgive me was if I gave you back what I lost. I just... I don't understand how you could keep something like this from me"