Pomegranate

Benji - 4

Every other Thursday, Benji sat on the brown leather chair across from Rita, counting down the minutes to the hour. Rita had inspirational messages posted on her walls, far too many succulents, and a diffuser blowing eucalyptus oil mist that made Benji lightheaded and a little nauseous. Sometimes she cut the meetings short when Benji couldn't come up with anything else to tell her, and she was too tired to push him further. Today was not one of those days.

"So how your semester is going?" She asked, after Benji told her about his winter break in short, emotionless sentences.

Rita, the therapist, wasn't his idea. Benji still cursed Finn, his freshmen year roommate, for calling the EMTs that night. When Finn came back to the room, he thought Benji was having an asthma attack and called somebody before Benji could stop him. It wasn't asthma, though — it was a panic attack. His parents had been notified. When they told him about seeing Rita, he knew it wasn't an option. Plus, he didn't really want to talk to his parents about it. He knew they would just push him until he caved.

"It's fine," Benji replied.

"Seeing your friends again?"

"More or less. Mostly some orchestra people."

"Yeah? How about Meredith?"

Benji regretted ever telling Rita about Meredith.

"She's okay. Busy." Benji shrugged.

"So you haven't been seeing her as much?"

"Well, no, but, like I said. She's busy. She has a lot going on."

She has a boyfriend, he added in his mind.

"Well, I just mean that you're transferring soon and you seemed upset about losing touch with her. Has something changed?"

"No." His voice was small. When Benji told Rita that, it had been a bad week. He was upset, and lonely, and stressed about the Conservatory application. This is what he got for being honest with his therapist. He should have known she would bring that up again.

"We talked about you trying to reach out to people more," Rita said. "How is that working?"

He had seen Meredith only once in the past two weeks, for lunch. But she kept canceling any other plans, apologetic but distant. Seth had texted him back once when Benji sent again the name of a band he found and though Seth would like it. But he never mentioned they should meet up.

"Badly."

"Okay. How can we change that?"

"Stop trying to be social, I'm guessing?"

Rita sat back on her chair. She pursed her lips and the coral lipstick creased and left marks. She was a tough one.

"Is that what you want?"

"It's just...not working."

"Having friends is not working?"

"I guess."

"And you're okay with that?"

"They don't want me around, okay?" Benji's voice was sharper than he intended. "They don't want to spend time with me, and there's nothing I can do about that. Alright? I can't force people to be friends with me."

"How can you be so sure they don't want you around?" Rita was unfazed by this tone.

Benji looked at the potted plants by her window.

"They don't want to see me. That's just it."

"Who's them?"

Benji bit the inside of his cheek before answering. "Meredith and Seth."

"Okay. Who is Seth? How did you meet him?"

Jesus, she must be really worried about his lack of social interaction to seem excited at the plurality of his friends.

"He's Meredith's boyfriend." Something rolled in the pit of his stomach, like black tar. Benji couldn't quite place it if it was envy, or sadness, or anger. Or the eucalyptus oil.

"Maybe they don't want you to feel like the third wheel," Rita suggested.

"No, that's...that's not really what's happening. They just seem uncomfortable around me, lately. They're acting weird." He shrugged. "But, I mean, they're dating, so it makes sense they want privacy."

Rita looked at him for a moment before asking, "Are you jealous?"

"Of who?" The question slipped past his lips before his teeth could clamp it shut inside his head. Benji felt his skin prickle, slightly panicked, but Rita looked at him as if it was obvious.

"Seth."

He cleared his throat, "No. I'm not."

"Okay." Rita nodded and settled for a complacent look. "All I'm saying is, you're only in college once. Meet new people. Make friends."

Benji nodded, his mind already absent somewhere else, and glanced again at the clock on the wall.