Pomegranate

Benji - 6

Benji tried to figure out all possible excuses to miss seeing Rita. But he knew his parents would check on him at the end of the week, and trying to plan a believable lie started giving him more anxiety than just going to the session would.

It was just one hour. He could do it.

Rita wasn't pushy that day, but something about her questions reminded Benji of a feral cat, waiting for the moment to pounce. He told her about the orchestra performance he had coming up, and briefly about the party. Just going there, that is, not what actually happened there. She seemed content at his attempt to connect with people, but sure enough, there it was again.

"Last time, you seemed uncomfortable talking about your friends," she said. "I wanted to ask you why is that."

Benji cringed.

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"I mean that you seem to really like them, but you also seem distressed talking about them. Did something happen?"

Both Meredith and Seth had texted him after the party, asking if everything was okay. Benji didn't reply.

"Not really. I tried talking to them, but... didn't really happen."

"Why not?"

"I just..."

He'll never want me Seth, he heard Meredith's words in his mind. Not like that.

"I think they're keeping things from me," he finally said.

"Does that bother you?"

"I mean, when it's about me, yeah," Benji said, allowing a hint of anger to touch his tongue. 

Rita frowned, but there was interest in her eyes. "What do you think they're hiding from you?"

"I don't know." The response was automatic. Rita sat back. She didn't buy it.

"Why don't you want to tell me, Benjamin?" Her tone was soft.

"It's..." His mind scrambled. "It's personal."

Rita looked at him as if she expected this answer.

"We've been meeting for, say, six months now?"

"I-I guess?" He said, confused by the sudden change in topics.

"Okay, so, let me ask you this. What are you really hoping to get out of this, Benjamin?"

"What do you mean?"

"Therapy. What do you want to get out of it?"

"I don't know."

My parents to get off my ass, he thought.

"Besides getting your parents off your ass, I mean," she added. "Because, if that's it, I'll just tell them you're perfectly fine and that you don't need to continue therapy. Is that what you want? Or is there something you want to work on here?"

"Oh. Um." He looked to the side. "I don't know. I mean, I guess I would like to be less...anxious. About stuff."

"Okay. Well, for that to happen, you might need to talk about the anxious stuff with me."

"Like what?" He rubbed his sweaty palms on his thighs.

"Well, based on everything you told me, you don't want to transfer schools. So why are you doing it?"

"My parents...would not be okay with that." The words came out measured, careful. "They really want me to pursue the violin professionally."

"Have you tried talking to them?"

"I mean, no. But I know how they would react. They'll be angry and disappointed."

"It's your life, not theirs."

"Well, they pay for college tuition."

Rita nodded slowly, realizing this was one thing she could not push against him. Instead, she turned directions.

"Do you also know how your friends would react? Is that why you didn't talk to them?"

You don't know him like I do, Meredith said.

"Yeah."

"Okay." Rita pushed her back against the chair. "Let's say you're wrong. What would that mean? Just assuming you know how they feel, and how they will react?"

You know there's nothing wrong with this, right?, he thought of Seth's soft tone.

"Have your parents and your friends always known how you feel? Have they never been wrong about you?"

What do you think?

I love it., Benji had lied.

"Yes," he whispered.

He'll never want me. Not like that.

"But you never corrected them. You never actually told them how you felt, right?"

"No, I... I guess not."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"What are you afraid of?"

"I don't know." Benji could barely hear himself. "Everything."

Rita nodded as if she was looking through a thick fog, finally able to discern his silhouette.

"Okay," she said. "So what do you want to do about that?"

Benji tried to wheel his head back to his body, to make himself there. Rita was there. She was listening.

He sighed.

"Can you turn off the eucalyptus oil diffuser first?"