Losing my religion

Locked

I don't know why I decided to name this chapter locked but I guess being closeted can make u feel suffocated. As if you're locked in a damn cage but u can't get out. Not to mention in the closet anxiety. For anyone reading this and relating, hold on a little longer things will get better trust me. I completely understand. Keep running. xxx 

Also that is my art.
---------------------------------------------------------

Gerard stays with Mikey and his only friend Ray.  Gerard would escape often though. I mean Mikey was his brother which he was quite close to but Gerard, he'd rather stay alone gathering up his thoughts. Mikey wouldn't mind it, Gerard's older so he'd figure he had somewhere else to be. Even though Mikey was close to Gerard, Gerard seemed like he had some weight put on him in which he can't escape. Mikey didn't really seem to notice because Gerard would always seem calm. Donna realized he was getting distant but didn't take action not that she didn't care but doesn't everyone go through a teenage angsty phase? 

It's not that I hate myself for feeling attraction towards men but damn it's hard. I don't want to sound like I'm oversensitive even though I am. But it would be so damn easier if I just liked women.  Things aren't the way they were in kindergarten through. It was so simple. You just hold hands and say you love each other. We were too young to know what love is but it didn't really bother us as a child. I'm not sure how I realized that female was not the right gender. I guess it kind of developed on me like a polaroid. You have to shake the polaroid until it develops an image

. I couldn't understand how Mikey would talk to me about a new crush he had. I do remember watching Star Wars with Mikey this one time, we were watching the Prequels and I swear I felt this sort of thing in my stomach about Anakin Skywalker but I was kind of thrown back when Mikey talked about how he found Padme hot. Thant's all I could remember but I hv always wondered just why I couldn't like girls. Still thought guys were "neat" Anyway, this shit grew on me up until I admitted to myself that I do in fact like dick at like twelve I think.

Something apparently so controversial is that yeah I'm gay but it doesn't define me. I don't want people to look at me and think some RuPaul shit.  I mean it's a part of me but I'm not just gay, I'm a person behind all the glitter as straight cis people still keep assuming it's all pride and rainbows.

I don't want people to change mentality on me just because I secretly cry over boys. Damn, I haven't picked up the courage to even tell my mum or brother. Mikey always seemed so distant about the subject and I don't feel comfortable talking about what I feel especially when society has made people think it's such a dirty thing to love someone the same sex. I don't know maybe it's just me then. But damn I've turned so distant that people assume I have no emotion whatsoever. I used to be called a crybaby for suck a long time that I just built like a barrier around my feelings made with a thick layer of stone. I wasn't always like that I swear but I'm terrified of people assuming I'm weak. A special someone has told me it's not weak to show emotion but I still act tough to hide it all. 

Damn, I've said damn for too damn long. I'm just stressed out.

It's like I'm stuck in a cage people outside the cage seem so free and happy to be with the one they love. There's frank somewhere out of that cage. I'm looking at him but he doesn't notice and even if he did I dought he wants some sensitive shit.

Meanwhile, in my cage on top of me, there's my whole family from my dad's to my mum's. They're right on top of me implying pressure on me. I must keep their idea of a good son.  I'm terrified of disrupting their image about me. I don't want them to think differently from me just because I have a different music taste and a love for boys. It's killing me inside and I have to seriously stop giving a shit about what they think about me I am who I am and there's no way to stop that shit apparently. But I can't even listen to my own advice. I feel like relatives are like trapped with u with a chain and it's unbreakable because aren't they related to you by blood? I swear if I listen to another bullet they say against how I express myself I don't know how I'm going to cope with shit more than I can't now.

---------------------------------------------------------

It was the morning. I was vibing with my headphones intact. Listening to indie or soft music in the morning can help a great deal when experiencing heavy anxiety especially at night. I wake up all sweaty with a heavy heart rate and aching head due to anxiety. It will just help to turn those bullets into pretty flowers in your head. I don't know I just escaped through the music and just finalized the portrait I had started at home for homework. I was listening to Play the game by Queen admiring the guitar riff played after Freddie's angelic vocals as soon as I got interrupted. I guess Frank just arrived at school and I didn't notice as he passed behind me with some other friends.

He tapped my shoulder as I freaked out to turn and realize it was him as he was just on my mind. My face turned red and i think he noticed. He excused himself for having me jump out of my seat. We exchanged good mornings and stared at each other and looked down at the floor for an uncomfortably long five seconds which felt like a whole ass minute. I decided to break the silence by saying something which sounded smart in my dumbass head. (I don't know man I just would do anything to break the silence and start something) "Good memes good memes" He uncomfortably agreed and saluted me as his friends started to move away slowly. 

Fuck, what the fucling hell was i thinking shit. This is why you have no friends u fucking dumb ass

His friends seem nice honestly. There's Lyndsey she's a punk with some cool bold ass fashion. She had some cool tattoos just like Frank. Her girlfriend Jamia (damn you Karen this is just fanfic) seemed quite shy but I want to get to know her better because I dought that's the case. Last but not least Andy. I don't know what he had with him he seemed nice but I guess I'm sort of jealous of the fact that if my pussy ass wouldn't be so scared of shit I'd have the same sort of closeness with him. I don't like the word jealous but Andy was way above my league and I'm just well me. A FUCKING LOSER.