Losing my religion

Surrender

I went through the same exact experience here. (slightly less intense) I never really opened up to anyone about this or any other time these things have happened to me bc I don't want people to sympathize me or worst of all think I'm overreacting.

These things have happened just because of things I can't control about myself. Whatever, people can beat me up for this I don't care anymore, besides we're in quarantine now so this won't be happening. I insisted to share this to spread awareness.

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Another fucking morning. I switch off my loud alarm ringing through my sleep. I could feel my heart racing and my head heavy. I couldn't handle another day I swear. Might as well not sleep. I don't deserve sleep anyways. I tried my best to get out of bed which was hard considered that I both mentally and physically was not in the mindset to get up. I somehow manage to roll myself up. I switch on some light Beatles songs until I get ready. (The fool on the hill- The Beatles :) I put on a white shirt and a black sweater on top. To match, a pair of grunge jeans as I liked to call them. They remind me of what Kurt Cobain would wear. I hurried and head out trying to tie the laces to my black converse outside. I was starving but that's fine.

I put on my headphones and started walking to where I normally wait for the school bus. I directed my head straight down as always and tried to calm myself down with the music. No one can hurt me if they can't see me right? Fuck. Where is everyone? I heard a "get in loser" from an angle only to realize it was my school bus. I was late again. I proceeded to run as fast as I could. I couldn't catch my breath and all I moved was a couple of steps. I am fucking surrounded by people laughing at my face once again. I bit my tongue and entered the bus. everyone was laughing at that run. An older student decided it was a good idea to put their leg out and I fell flat. Once again the laughs continued.

I look defeated and weak. I quickly found a seat and turned up my headphones on full volume just so I can't hear myself. This wasn't the first time they did something like this to me and neither will it be the last. I can't stand up for myself either. I guess I'm just a toy they can play with so they feel better about themselves until they leave school. It's fine they'll soon leave.

------------------------------------- at school

Why do these things keep happening to me? Why am I such a fucking freak? Frank probably hates me I don't know why he speaks to me. How can I try to act tough when I'm a fucking baby. They're right.

Gerard Don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. -

Anyway, it was break time so I just went for some fresh air outside. It stopped raining just recently so the place was filled with some energy. I took out my sketchbook and sat by my favorite tree. I drew a circle halved by a straight line passing through it and connected them to form a face shape. I just let my hands-free not knowing what I was drawing. I drew his short black hair in front of his eyes. A smile and blush on his face. He wore dark red lipstick which made his hazel eyes pop out.

Like I've said before, my sketchbook is my sketchbook. I don't really know how to express myself in words because society considers it weak so I built a wall around myself. Through the years I learned to express it through art. It's something personal and very important to me.

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I step into the school bus in fear quietly once again. I held my sketchbook closely to my chest. The usual guys that picked on me came in and I held my sketchbook tighter to my chest. They were the last to enter and the only place left were some seats parallel to the place I was sitting in. I start getting tense. It's fine I mean not all of them are like that. Hayley was the only girl in their group. People have told me bad things about her but I don't think she's that bad honestly. She's the only one who doesn't laugh at me. Hayley sat at a seat beside me asking my permission before. The ride home goes on and I sat quietly with no absolute words coming from my mouth.

Hayley seemed concerned about my sketchbook the whole ride and proceed to ask me about it. "I didn't know you can draw" "lemme see". I quickly reply with no. My sketchbook is quite personal. I assumed she'd stop by no but she had continue. She kept threatening me to slap me. It's like she knew what there was in it which made it more tempting for her to want to see. Her friends overheard what was happening and did the same. They tried talking nice to me but I still refused. "Even if I wanted to show u the damn book why would I show you from all people" now you see that was a lie. I can't stand up for myself. "what are you? a fucking fag or something?" "that's why you don't want to show us?"

I let the words disolve inside me which made me weaker. My heart was beating lowder and harder than Dallon shoving me underneath the bus's seats. I was stuck underneath the seats, not much air and space. Brendon kept slapping the shit out of my face and I was sweating like a fucking pig. I held my sketchbook tighter whilst Hayley kept trying to snatch it. Tears fell from my eyes as my head was banged to the metal part underneath seats. Dallon started chocking me and Hayley kept calling me slurs and Brendon trying to take it and the words became weapons and my thoughts became numb and I can't fucking breathe no more. I am worthless. I am just an object. I deserve this anyway.

I became physically weak now and had to surrender. With blood running down my teeth the sketchbook was detached from me. They kept flipping through the pages. I was way too drowned and dizzy to feel something at this point. I physically couldn't get up now. They saw everything. Everything. They kept talking. I couldn't hear them now. I only heard the same words but it's only coming from my head now. My heavy mind weighed me down. They threw the sketch book at my face and I stood there like a lifeless rock glued to the ground.

I SURRENDER. I SURRENDER . I SURRENDER. I SURRENDER