Sleeper in the Valley

5.

Diary of Nora Vivienne Holland

It's been weeks since I received word from Tom. I am trying to stay positive, to think that it's because he's been moved to a different part of the war or because he's too busy to write me, but when Nicky is asleep I cannot stop the fear from creeping in, snaking its way up my back and seizing hold of me.

I've taken to sitting in Nicky's room as he naps, needing his presence to soothe my ragged nerves. He looks so much like Tom when he sleeps, pink mouth open slightly, chubby fists clenched tightly around Teddy. I stare at my son till he wakes and then I scoop him into my arms and hold him tight to my chest, safe here with me, my little piece of Tom.

The stress is taking its toll on me. My milk supply is drying up fast and Nicky is not old enough to move onto solids alone. The Doctor said to try cow or goats milk as an alternative, but Nicky won't take it! He scowls at the bottle, turning his head away, screaming furiously for my breast until I cave, suckling stubbornly with little reward.

My gloriously chubby baby is beginning to grow thin and Mother scolds me for worrying, saying it does no good if I worry myself and Nicky sick. But even she cannot make him drink the cows milk, despite her determination to prove me wrong.

Besides, what does Mother know?! She is not the one who will be going through the pain and terror of childbirth, nor facing the looming reality of raising two small children alone whilst their father fights in some damn war!

Please God, if you are real, please return my husband to me.

Please. Please. Please.

**

"How far along?"

"Nearly six months" I reply quietly. 

I know I should be excited, should be delighted every time I feel the baby move or kick. But all I feel is an all consuming terror, an overwhelming panic that leaves me panting for breath, unable to see through the hot blinding tears.

Nikki nods, eyes downcast as she runs her finger along the edge of her teacup. I couldn't hide the bump anymore, with all the weight I've lost elsewhere my stomach sticks out noticeably. Besides, I have a feeling Nikki has known for some time but was waiting for me to tell her. I feel guilty for keeping it to myself for so long, but I was hoping against hope that the war would be over and Tom would be home by now.

"Any names?"

I shrug. "Tom named Nicky. I haven't even thought about what I would name this child"

Again she nods. There are weathered lines in her face, cutting through her soft features. Nikki's brow is in a near permanent frown.

"How's Dom? Paddy?" I ask, forcing myself to think about something else.

"Dom is doing whatever work he can find. I've been doing the laundry and cleaning for a few well-to-do households to help make ends meet. Paddy was arrested again. He'd broken another shop window" she replies dejectedly.

Before I can ask or say anything else, her face crumples and she begins to sob, great heaving sobs that wrack her slender frame.

"Oh Nora! What are we going to do?!" Nikki wails through her hands and I'm so startled that for a moment I can't move. I've never seen Nikki like this, and it's unsettling to see how much she's struggling.

Coming to, I wrap my arms around her and let her sob into my shoulder, rubbing her back and making low soothing noises in the back of my throat, something I do when Nicky won't settle.
Gradually her sobs subside and she pulls away from me, her face red and tear stained.

"I'm sorry, I just..."

"Don't be. I understand" I murmur kindly, handing her a handkerchief to dry her eyes.
Nikki smiles sadly and takes it, wiping her face and taking shuddering breaths. 

It's as we sit there in the shared silence that the baby somersaults within my belly. I gasp, leaning forward and clutching my stomach as the baby kicks, rearranging itself in a more comfortable position.

"Is something wrong?" Nikki asks, her voice shrill.

"No, no, it's just moving about. Here" I say, taking her hand and guiding it to where the baby's foot is beating a steady rhythm.

Nikki's face goes soft and warm, and she leans forward as she cradles my belly, murmuring sweet nothings to the baby. It's startling how much she looks like Tom the first time he felt Nicky kicking, the same awe and wonder mirrored on her face.

For the first time in weeks I feel a sense of peace, a small light of hope that everything will work out.