What lies behind a smile

9

             •Tony's POV
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I walk back into medbay, Peter is laying on the bed staring at the ceiling.No one else is in the room.
It is 1:30 AM so that's probably why.
"Hey, Pete, "I say. He ignores me. "So you wanna talk?"I ask him hoping he will respond. He finally looks at me. His eyes look blank...their old glow is completely gone. For the third time today, my heart breaks.
Now I see how tired he is, I can see how much pain he's feeling just through those eyes.

"go away."He whispers, I try not to react. I wanna yell at him god I just wanna scream at him. Why would he do that? Would he think I wouldn't care? Just think I would go 'oh that sucks'.' This kid a genius but he's so dumb if he thinks that. But me yelling at him is not gonna help him so I won't.

"No," I say as softly as I can.

"Don't you think you're being selfish?"He asks.

"Don't you think you're the one being selfish?"I regret the words as they leave my mouth.

great job Tony.

His brows raise"go away please."He says and looks the other way.

"Again no, I'm not leaving you alone tonight. I wanna talk."

"You can just yell if you need to."He says l
"I know you want to. You think I'm stupid and that I made a mistake that you might not forgive me for."

"I'm not gonna yell, "I say he just closes his eyes and leaves them shut.

"And I don't think you're stupid. You made a stupid decision."
he laughs.
"like my death would be that big of a deal"

"Yes, Peter it would. Do you know how it felt to see you almost dead on the floor with your fucking wrist pouring out blood?"He stares at me tears welling up in his eyes
"I thought I lost you when the hospital called me. Then I thought I lost you when I saw your limp body on the floor because you may have a hard time believing it but there are people in this world that love you, Peter. So yes your death would affect me, a lot more than I would like and today just proved that."
He wipes his face looking away from me.
"And Nat?Ned and  Mj?What about them? You think we all go.
'aww that's too bad'
NO PETER! What if May was here-"

"OKAY!"I yell "I get it, okay, b-but you don't have to feel what I feel daily "He wipes his face again, "You think I wanna feel like this? Do you think I wanna wake up and wanna die or constantly wanna hurt myself? I'm exhausted! I'm so fucking tired Tony. A-And I can't sleep or the nightmares come back and the only thing that would bring me back from my stupid panic attacks or make me feel better was
a fucking blade."

I stay quiet listening to him.
"And I have great friends I don't have a lot but the ones I do have I love them. I have you and Nat who are always there. And I had the best aunt who loved me...I wouldn't have done this if May was here. But s-she's not anymore and i was barely holding on and i did it for her!" He let out a shaky breath. I give him a second to cry wiping my own face.
"You know how selfish I felt after I would cut? Or faking the smiles around you guys?"

"Well, why wouldn't you just tell me or May that you felt like this?"I ask. What was so hard about asking for help?
He takes a deep breath I can tell he's thinking so I just allow him to think about how he feels.

"I didn't know how..."

"What was so hard about telling me how you felt-"

"what was I supposed to say 'Hey May, Tony I wanna fucking kill myself" I watch as he breaks down his body is trembling. I pull him in for a hug.

"Well you know there are better ways to word it"I try to joke, make him laugh even just for a second. But I get nothing but sobs.

"I just w-want it to stop. Make it s-stop p-please make-make it stop"He's begging, not making sense. "I just want it all to stop hurting."I hold him tight letting him cry into my chest. He feels so small when I hold him like this.

He is just a child.

"I don't wanna deal with this anymore," Peter whispered. It hurt just hearing him talk like, he's crying about being alive.

"I know you don't...but your gonna push through this okay. I'm gonna help you but you gotta tell me what's making you feel this way."
I give him some time to form words. "I know it's probably hard to explain but you have to tell me."

"B-ben. I watched him die...and i-i held him while he was bleeding out. And I don't know that just affected me more than I thought." He wipes his face. He grows even paler he looks almost numb at the memory.
"Then I met you and I got to b-be spider-man and May...I still wasn't right but it wasn't how it used to be. I was kinda better b-but then homecoming night I didn't."He inhales sharply, I rub his back trying to calm him.
"I wasn't being careful and t-this building. It fell. on m-me. And I couldn't do anything I couldn't breathe I couldn't scream I couldn't m-move it just hurt. I was stuck for I don't know h-how long but I can still feel it."He's crying harder now.
"And l-lately I feel like I'm going insane because I keep seeing t-things. I dream about the building or Ben."

"Do you ever have flashbacks or you'll hear or smell something and you have panic attacks."He nods looking up at me. "And these dreams there every night?"

"Usually yeah." He wipes his face "I haven't been able to dream I think I'm too tired too."

"Peter I'm pretty sure you have PTSD."He leans back into his chair"So your not crazy you know we barely can deal with but you, you're a kid. It's even worse for you. Hell Pete a kid asking me about me going into space would make me freak out." I remember Harley how when he was little he didn't understand how to help.

"I'm gonna help you okay Pete but you gotta be honest and help yourself as well k."He nods against me I can tell he's falling asleep.
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Word count- 1124
Date- 1/25/22

Sorry, it's late hope y'all enjoy this chapter! Stay safe love, you guys 🤍