tw: family issues, suicide, mental health problems
i just had to get all of this out.
i've always had problems with motivation, and for the past few years my mental health hasn't been great, but being in quarantine has made it so much worse.
i wake up and i have to work or go to school or both, and that's all that i do. i don't even have anything to really look forward to because quarantine has taken a lot of the people and activities i love away from me. i struggle to get out of bed in the morning because it doesn't even seem like there's a point anymore.
i go to do my schoolwork, and i can't bring myself to do half of my classes. i start, and then i quit halfway through. i have classes that i've barely touched since online school started, just because i shut down as soon as i hit a roadblock.
i have a 78 in english right now. that's only a b, it's ALMOST an a, but because of that b, my parents are pissed at me and are telling me that no university is going to want me. they told me that i'm going to be stick working at a grocery store for the rest of my life. my mom said "you're just going to be the next [my boss' name]" and my dad responded with "she's not even good enough to do that".
a b isn't even that bad, especially in a hard class like english where my teacher is very strict, and in ridiculous times like this where nobody knows what they're doing.
i wasn't honest with my parents about how i'm doing in my classes because i KNEW they'd react this way. so my teachers have had to reach out to them because i'm not doing my work, and my parents are freaking out about it. yes, i deserve it to some extent, but they keep insulting me and bringing down my self esteem, and won't let me apologize or even listen to my explanations. i'll be having a panic attack, and they'll tell me to stop crying like a toddler.
they keep fighting with me over stupid things too. for example, yesterday my dad started yelling at me because i asked my mom to stop blasting the same song over and over again. last week, my mom shunned me for not wanting to stay up until 11 to watch a movie after a long, stressful day at work.
i'm also out to my family as lesbian, but my mom still makes jokes about me and boys all the time. she basically acts like i'm straight. i asked her if she could not do this anymore, and she got mad at me for it. she said "am i only allowed to talk about lesbians now??" no. no you're not. i never fucking said that. i just want to be respected.
this fighting is stressing my sister out too. she hates conflict and confrontation, and, like me, is prone to panic attacks. she hides in her room and panics whenever my parents and i get into fights. i can't stand seeing her like this. my dad also does this thing where he takes his anger out on everyone and everything when he gets mad, so if he's mad at me, he starts yelling at her too. and it's my fault.
i can't handle this, i don't know what to do. i tried to kill myself a bit over a month ago, and it didn't work. last night, i almost did it again, without even warning anybody at all. i'm scared that i'm going to break and finally do it.
