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So I look at him and again he reads my words through the air. He leaves, wiping more tears as he goes and I take a second. The doctors leave and tell me to be quick.

So I look down and as I kneel to get closer, I try to give him a smile. For him? For me? I'm not sure. I brush his wet, stringy hair out of his face and grab his hand.

It doesn't close around mine.

It's colder than mine.

A real tear falls this time. I feel it inside and out, and I'm okay with it being there. I'm allowed to cry this time. I should cry this time.

And then, even though he's right there in front of me, I want him. Because he's not really there.

So I sit up and lean over and give him a small, simple, quick kiss. And only half of the satisfaction is there because I don't know if he's happy that I did it. He doesn't know.

And then I cry harder. But it's okay. I'm allowed to cry. I should cry.

With a last touch on his bare chest with wires and machinery sticking around it, I close my eyes and exit the room. I'm going to find his brothers because now I know more than ever that they have accepted me into their family and it's time to show them they've made the right decision.

Ocean // BTSWhere stories live. Discover now