The Exchange

Chapter 39- Clouded Head

As dusk descended a hoard of grey clouds invaded the sky replacing the hot sun with heavy rain. The pavements streamed with frothing water, turning into rivers rather than walkways.

The heavens had been ripped open and the famous British weather was back again.

Sasha hopped off the bus, pulling her hood up in a feeble attempt to protect herself from the great outdoors and survive the walk home. Just like the moody weather above, Sasha's mind was also clouded so she couldn't think straight.

Cass's words had pierced deep within her, charging down her throat and imprinting themselves all throughout her body. They had followed her all the way home, looming in dark corners and snapping at her ankles with sharp teeth.

Although Sasha didn't want to admit it, there was a part of her that agreed with everything her friends had said. She shared their concerns and their doubts about Julien. It was also her deepest fear that he would turn around and forget her like nothing ever happened.

Everything that worried Cass and Polly had already passed through Sasha's mind. She didn't like to linger on these distressing thoughts but after the conversation today how was she supposed to ignore it.  

Having very few answers to all the questions that popped into her head made her feel hopeless.
Especially after being put in the hot seat. And although she hated to accept it, there was also an underlying jealousy that embittered her actions.

Cass and Polly always talked about their relationships or flings with such head-strong confidence. There was just no way she could compete! When they shared stories about boys they never sounded vulnerable or exposed. Often they were the ones who wielded the power.

Sasha secretly craved she could be like this. She wanted to be able to explain in detail the feeling she had when she was with Julien without her palms becoming sweaty. She wanted to be able to walk right up to him and say all of the things that she imagined; her desires, her fantasies, her emotions. She wanted to giggle with her friends when she told them about the steamy and graphic parts just how they always did. 

She wouldn't have exchanged Julien for the world- he brought a certain fulfillment to her life that she hadn't known existed, and made her acknowledge a great thirst. But she still wished that things could be clearer between them. Perhaps then the constant reeling of her mind would be stop.

And finally, Cass's reminder that Julien was going to return home to France felt like a punch in the gut.The thought of him leaving caused her throat to clench and her heart to ache.

He would leave. That much was certain. And if she continued to open up to him then she knew her feelings would become stronger and when the time came it would break her watching him go. 

She'd done it once with her father. She didn't think she would be able to do it again.

The possibility that there could be something more between them was quickly diminishing. Any sort of relationship would have to be built on an understanding that it would soon end. So could she let herself get wrapped up in these new emotions knowing that it would fall apart?

How could Sasha be happy with him when every moment, every second was sacred?  The worry that they weren't filling their time together would forever be lurking in the background. The pressure that this would bring.

So what was she to do? In many ways it would just be easier to end it all now and abandon ship before she let things go too far. But cutting Julien out of her life also seemed impossible.

A spark of anger began to ignite inside of her and she clenched her fists furious at the world for placing her in such an unfair situation.

Reaching her front door Sasha jabbed the key into the lock, swinging it open with such force that it creaked loudly on its hinges. As she stepped inside a wet patch began to emerge on the carpet and large droplets of water streamed down her cheeks. She'd been so lost in thought that she'd failed to notice the extent of how soaked she was. Her hoodie was heavy with rain which trickled onto the floor creating a small pool.