The Exchange

Chapter 12- An Apology

Sasha was not an unreasonable girl. She had many faults just like any person; she often allowed her emotions to consume her, she easily misjudged other peoples characters and she often cut herself off from others. But she knew when she had messed up. And she knew when she needed to apologise.

This was definitely one of those times.

Sasha felt foolish. She had disregarded Julien's privacy, she had stepped into his personal space without an invitation, and she had pushed him away yet again.

She was disappointed in herself. She did not indulge in stuff like this often and was surprised at her own sudden change in character. Was she really so weak that if a boy even glanced in her direction she would turn into a crazed lunatic and start throwing herself around in ways she didn't even understand?

Sasha had thought she was better than this. Above this. But she was obviously not. And this realisation hurt. She felt this sorrow and guilt rising up through her, so she couldn't breath.

She was still a child. Immature and ignorant of the world. She knew nothing about the realms of intimacy. If a bit of dirty talk (not even being spoken in her native language) made her turn into this new, strange person who couldn't control themselves then she had no hope.

How would she survive if something as innocent as meeting someone's gaze seemed so overtly sexual to her that it made her want to squeal or curl into a pathetic, shaking ball.

Was this natural? Did other girls have these problems? Did it get harder with age? And worst of all, would any guy want her with all this baggage?

Sasha felt an unbelievable ache of loneliness from deep within. The pain grew and grew, searing through her abdomen.

'Wow I have intimacy issues', she thought despairingly. Why could she never let anyone get close? And if she tried something always seemed to go wrong, as if she were subconsciously self-sabotaging.

Why was her body and mind in constant battle? One minute she craved to be touched and seen. And then next she wanted to have nothing to do with this peculiar sensual world.

Why did love have to be so exposing? 

She had too many questions to count.

Suddenly remembering it was Annette's day off, Sasha hurried downstairs to make two cups of coffee. She wanted to surpise her mother in bed. Annette had been working so hard all week and on top of her job she'd also been driving Julien around. 

If there was anything Sasha could do to take the ease off her mother, even if only slightly, she would. Since her father had left she was anxious that Annette was always taking on too much. It musn't have been easy for her to suddenly have to parent on her own.

'I mean it's hard enough being just a mother', Sasha thought, 'You're thrown in the deep end of a pool without ever having been taught how to swim'.

Her dad sent money to support her and Ben and they still saw him once a month but he seemed absent. Distant. He had his new family to worry about. He was always busy with the baby, and barely had time for a quick catch up on the phone.

Sasha had been cut through the middle when they split; Half of her wanted to stay with her mother, her best friend, but the other half wanted to please her father which meant she obliged to almost everything he asked of her.

Annette used to call her 'puppet girl' and would tell her that she shouldn't do everything he said. She didn't need to do these things for him to respect her. But Sasha couldn't see how she could gain his attention any other way.

And when it was time to choose which university she wanted to go to, and which course she would take, her father had chosen almost all of her options himself. And Sasha had felt so happy, making him happy.