Random Crizoozles: The Insane-quel

Things my family (with some friends) has legit said in quarantine

I'm posting these in daily madness too lol

Mother goose: Want this still?
Me: Iie
Mother goose: Huh
Me: That's no in Japanese
Mother Goose: Ok. How about this?
Me: *thick [insert region of England I'm from] accent* No.
mother Goose: ok.
Me: that means no in French.
Mother goose: *long and heavy sigh of disappointment but with a slight chuckle*

Mother Goose: Is your Dad ok in the loft?
Me: I dunno
Mother Goose: Dad- I mean, Mark!
Me: oooo kinky 😏😉
Mother goose: Shut up

Me: YOOOOOOOOOOOOO I CAN FIT IN THE WARDROBE

Mother Goose: What are your plans today?
Me: Dying
Mother Goose: And after that?
Me: dying some more
Mother Goose: and after that?
Me: meh. I might plough through some more films on my watch list
Mother Goose: so no work?
Me: No not really
Mother Goose: fair enough

Father Goose & me: *imitating pigeon as it taunts my child, Midi*
Midi: eek eek eek (or whatever tf cats say when they're freaking out a bit)
Pigeon: *flies away*
Me: BAAAAAIIIIIII

(I actually made my dad laugh - this is rare)

Father Goose: I was a prefect in school.
Mother Goose and I: *laughing*
Father Goose: What?? I was!
Me: Good joke, Dad
Father Goose: I was a good boy in school!
Mother Goose: 🤨
Father Goose: except from when they caught me smoking in year nine...
Me: there it is!!

Father Goose: I'm going outside
Me: Ok, can I come?
Father Goose: sure?
Me: 😁
Mother Goose: wait... you actually want to go outside... on your own? Without us dragging you???
Me: yeah... I've been looking a bit grey recently
Mother Goose: are you feeling alright???

Me: infinite servings? I'm sure there's only so much you can get from a Dr Pepper bottle...
Mother & Father Goose: Huh?
Me: ohhhhhh 8! I read it wrong lol
Mother and Father Goose: omg 🤦‍♀️🤦
Me: You spawned this... how do you feel?
Mother Goose: Idek anymore

Me: OH! I forgot Midi was outside!!
Mother Goose: What kind of mother are you going to be??
Me: a terrible one

Mother Goose: *screams loudly*
Father Goose: oh sh*t
Me: what just happened?
Mother Goose: Your father assaulted me
Father Goose: No, I shut the door because I wasn't looking and your face happened to get in the way

Me after making a Dad joke: *on Zoom call with a friend*are you gonna magnesium-sulfate me??
Her: ???
Me: a salt me??
Her: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that

Mother goose: *to Father Goose* You spoil her too much!
Me: Yeah! He's allowed to! I'm his daughter!
Mother Goose: I'm his wife! I have a binding piece of paper!
Me: I have his flesh and his blood coursing through my veins! Also, I'm pretty permanent! Unless you killed me, that is!

Me after hearing someone walking around: who's alive?????
Father Goose: no one

Me: Dad, what does a French person smoking an illegal substance say
Father Goose: Idk
Me, in a thick French accent: huahuahua I am smookin oui'd 👌🏻

Father Goose: a-spicy meat-a-ball! Without a-spice...

Mother Goose: do you have a set side of the bed you sleep on?
Me: well, sometimes I fall asleep on the left and wake up on the right and other times I fall asleep and then wake up in the middle. I kinda just roll around and see where I end up

Mother Goose: You're acting weird.
Me: No, I've just been watching too much Rick and Morty and it should be clear by now that I idolise Rick.
Mother Goose: At your age, I grew out of cartoons.
Me: well, sucks to be you because cartoons just got a whole lot better

Me, in Midi's ear: *whispering* I love you
Midi: *gags*

Me: *takes photo of Midi and shows it to her*
Midi: *puts paw on my hand*
Me: 🥺

Me: *sees invite to an online drama lesson* Do I really want to go? Gah. Might as well. *turns to Midi and puts on silly voice* It's not like I have anything better to do, is it, Midi Mouse?
Midi: mewww
Me: *still in silly voice* that's right.

Drama teacher: *using an example of pretending that her water bottle is her friend*
Me: Lockdown is going real swell for you, Miss.

Me: *holding medicine bottle* Dad... this has morphine in it...
Father Goose: WhAt??? No it doesn't!
Me: uh... yeah..? Look right here!
Father Goose:

(0:26 onwards lol)

Me: *tries to take sip of medicine but accidentally inhaled it* *coughs and gags* ahaha... yeah bro... just gettin a sip of dis MORPHINE!!!!!!

English teacher, talking about Romeo and Juliet: They feel like the world is conspiring against them being together
Me, to the tune of that's what you get by Paramore: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET! FOR BEING A PAEDOOOOOOOOOOOO

(I was on mute)

Me: *sees Father Goose wearing the t-shirt I got him for Father's Day*
Father Goose: *sees I'm wearing the t-shirt he got me when he went away to New York on a business trip*
Me: Look at that. We're wearing the shirts we got each other!
Father Goose: Oh yeah! Lol
Later...
Mother Goose: You two are going on a run together on Sunday? That's nice.
Me: Yep!
Father Goose: Yep. Did you notice we're wearing the shirts we got each other?
Mother Goose: Oh yeah. That's sad.

Mother Goose, presenting me with different situations for bad press if I was married to one of my old crushes and we were high in politics: What if people found out about your aunt dying?
Me, almost immediately: Everybody dies?!

(I'm still crying from regret and wheezing over my thought process)

Me: OH GOD OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING! THE FIRST MENTAL BREAKDOWN OF LOCKDOWN!! HERE WE GO!!!!!!!

(Context of the next quote: basically my friend and I were at the park with these kids that are in the year below me but above her and they're the "popular" kids - basically they consisted of skinny girls on their phones looking at zodiac stuff while the boys, who all had their shirts off, played basketball - may I add that they played a miserable game, as in, it was painful to watch??? Anyway, they were your classic 13/14 year old boys that smelt of potent body spray and it was awful)

Friend: Gosh they're so loud?!
Me: not as loud as their body spray that's for sure

Me: NOOOOOOOO MY BAGELLLLLL
Mother Goose: You what?
Me: *fake crying* I DROPPED MY BAGEL AND NOW I CANT EAT ITTTTTT

(I sounded like I was saying: otogishegidishfjdiwiwjfndkaiaoodjcisoaiqhdbfhfoapqo)

Me: Ahhh, hello, Mr Spider! I wasn't expecting you so soon! *grabs tissue to sweep up, crush and then place in the toilet*
Spider: skrrrrrttttttt *crawls back into space between wall and wardrobe*
Me: *loud and violent scream*

Friend: *loudly playing Mr Blue Sky and dancing aggressively*
Me: Screw it this song is going on my breakdown playlist

Me: *thinking about the guy I like who ended up being my bf lol and tucking my hair behind my ears*
Also me: *realising what I just did* OMG I JUST DEBBY RYAN-ED

Me: *randomly starts playing the Russian National anthem*
Father Goose: wtf??? Why are you so weird??
Me: *cackling and ignoring him*

Father Goose, after I read the previous quotes to him: Are you saving these for a future sitcom or something?
Me: I didn't think of doing that but it sounds fun. It would be a lockdown inspired one where the family wants to kill each other.
Father Goose: We've been alright, haven't we though?
Me: Well, I've threatened y'all with knives on multiple occasions so not really.

Nimbus' bf, while playing giant jenga with Nimbus and two of her younger family friends: I'm thinking of taking this block but it's a big risk. What do you think, Nimbus?
Me, seeing an opportunity for a win: I say take the risk. What's the worst that could happen? ;)
Nimbus' bf: *takes the brick and the tower collapses*
Me: *to younger family friends* now that is what I call: "manipulation"