The Alpha's Rebel

Chapter 11

I take another swig from the bottle, willing myself to forget all about tonight. I never want to remember how heartbroken Maddox looked when he walked away from me. I never want to feel the guilt coursing through my veins ever again.

I don't want a mate.

Then why do I feel like I just lost something?

The bedroom door opens and closes. Thay walks in and sits down on the bed beside me. "There you are," he says quietly. He's not slurring his words together like when I found him playing shot pong earlier.

"Here I am," I mutter, taking a swig and passing him the bottle.

"What happened?"

"Maddox." He passes the bottle back to me, and I rest it in my lap. "We had another fight."

"I take it it didn't go well?"

I shake my head. "I think he finally accepted that I don't want to be with him. He left."

There's a minute of silence before Thay asks, "Is that what you want?" His voice is barely above a whisper, and I hate it. I hate it, because he knows me better than I know myself.

"He looked. . .so. . .destroyed, when I told him," I whisper. "I've never made someone feel like that before. I hate it." My heart drops into my stomach as I once again remember the look on his face.

Admitting it out loud is different than listening to it over and over again in my head.

I physically hurt people all the time when they piss me off. I'm not afraid to be the reason behind a black eye. If someone's going to piss me off, I will retaliate. I've always been like that.

I've never been one to emotionally hurt someone the way I hurt Maddox tonight. I've never been the reason the light in someone's eyes disappeared. I've never caused someone to feel so defeated.

I may be the biggest badass around, but I have a big heart. I don't go around picking on the people less fortunate. I don't hit someone unless they give me a reason to.  I'm fiercely protective of the people I love.

I'm not a bad person.

So why do I feel like the shittiest one on the planet right now?

I take another swig.

"Harper," Thay says quietly, and I close my eyes at the sound of my full name. He continues, "I think you want to give him a chance."

I don't say anything. Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could form a coherent sentence right now. My mind is all over the place, and I can't organize my thoughts the way I want to. I don't even know what I'm thinking. The only thing I know is I love Thay.

"I can't–I don't–I just–"

"Harper. Don't worry about hurting me," Thay says, but he sounds crushed. He takes the bottle from me and sets it on the nightstand. "I want you to be happy. I know you'll always be happy with me, but there's always going to be a small part of you that's going to feel guilty about Maddox."

I hate that he knows me so well.

"I don't want you living with that guilt. I want you to give him a chance, and I don't want you worrying about what it does to me. People break up all the time."

"But Thay–"

"No, Harper."

"Thay," I whisper, and he doesn't cut me off. Just whispering alone was enough to let him know how vulnerable I am right now. "I don't even know what's going through my head. I don't know what I'm thinking."