The Alpha's Rebel

Chapter 12

I let myself have one more kiss.

With our pinkies still entwined, I lean forward and press my lips to his. It's soft to the touch, but it's everything I could have wanted from our last kiss. 

It's a goodbye-but-not-goodbye kiss.

Thay is still one of my best friends. Nothing will ever change that. He knows me better than I know myself. I've loved him for as long as I can remember, and I will always love him. Nothing, not even Maddox, will be able to change that.

I pull away, letting one more tear fall. I stare into his eyes for a few seconds, part of me not believing that this is really happening.

I never thought that there would be an end to Thay and I's relationship.

I know now how naive I was for thinking that. Thay and I aren't mates. All the odds were stacked against us. I didn't think I would be the one leading to our downfall.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I say, silently begging for a promise with my eyes. Promising to see each other tomorrow might be the only way I can walk away without crying again.

Fuck. This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

"Tomorrow," Thay nods, securing the silent promise that nothing else has changed between us. I'm already a reck because of what has changed; I don't want to imagine how bad I would be handling it if it was even more.

Removing myself from the bed and Thay's arm is like resisting a magnet. I want to stay in Thay's arms, in this moment, where he's the only thing that matters. I want him to be the only thing that matters.

He's not, though. I hate to admit it with every fiber within me, but Maddox matters too.

"Bye," I choke out, and I don't look back as I leave the bedroom. I barely hear the pounding music as I head straight out the open front door. It's there, but I'm not. Not mentally.

I cross the yard and the street, picking up my pace as I get closer to the forest. I slip my heels off and leave them laying on the side of the road. I don't hesitate shifting into my wolf, bolting into the trees. I feel like I haven't shifted in so long, and the feeling is incredible. 

With my senses heightened even more than they already are in my human form, I can feel the forest. I'm aware of every insect crawling beneath me, every leaf blowing in the cool night breeze. Every step that Maddox is taking somewhere in here.

I stop running, tilt my head back, and let out a howl full of desperation for Maddox to hear what I'm feeling. He returns with a howl of his own, and I take off towards the sound. My paws barely brush the forest floor before I pick them back up again. I weave through the trees, streak right through bushes, and leap over fallen logs.

I just need to find Maddox.

All my focus is on finding him. I don't know what I'm going to say to him when I do. 

Even with the wind roaring in my ears, I can hear the sound of Maddox's paws hitting the ground. I'm getting closer to him. I push myself to run faster using the extra adrenaline I'm getting from the mate bond.

I'm too focused on running through the trees to realize Maddox is right in front of me.

I plow right into him, and the two of us topple to the ground. I come out on top, and I stare right into his eyes. They're the same dark shade of his human eyes; he's in control.

I nuzzle his cheek, hoping it says "I'm sorry" in wolf. We're not in the same pack and we're not mated yet, so we can't mind link.

He licks my face in return, and lightly pushes me off of him so he can stand up. His wolf is taller than mine, but his stance isn't trying to convey dominance. It's relaxed, and he's looking at me, not down at me.

He sees me as his equal.

I was worried that my mate would want me in the kitchen baring children and cooking dinner. I don't think Maddox expects that from me, and he respects me for it.

I shift. I want to talk to him. I instantly miss being in my wolf form. It felt so good to run and forget about everything going. I promise myself I'll shift back after Maddox and I talk about what's going on between us.

Maddox shifts too. The bruise on his face from where I punched him as clearly visible now, and for the first time ever, I feel bad about hitting someone. It felt good at the time, but he's not someone that I can continue hating, even if I wanted to.

He's giving me a wary look, and I don't blame him. An hour ago, I punched him across the face and told him there was no changing my mind. Now, here I am, feeling like a mess and ready to give in to the mate bond.

It's still hard to admit to myself that I'm doing the one thing I never thought I'd do. In my defense, I didn't know the mate bond would be as powerful as it is. I thought I was strong enough to resist it. I guess everyone has a breaking point. Even me.

"Hey," I say awkwardly, and I want to hit myself for how lame it sounds. After everything I've already said to him tonight, the best thing I can come up with is "hey"? I look down at my feet, curling my toes to feel the sandy dirt run between them.

He's reluctant when he replies, "Hey," and once again, I don't blame him. He doesn't say anything else, and I realize that it's all me now. The spotlight is all mine.

"I'm sorry." I look up to meet his eyes, and he doesn't hide his surprise. He's still wary, like he doesn't know if he believes me or not. I hold his gaze, not knowing what I'd be able to say to show him that I am. Just looking at him causes everything in my mind to jumble together.

I'm not good with words. I'm not good with emotions. The only emotion I can easily portray is my anger, and it's only because I don't need words for people to know.

I have to try. If this even has a chance of working, I need to figure my shit out. If Maddox and I are going to be together, I need to put forth the effort.

I didn't have to try when I was with Thay. We've known each other since we were young. I didn't have to figure out how I was feeling for him to just know. 

Maddox doesn't know me yet. He can't guess how angry I am on a scale of one to ten just by looking into my eyes. He doesn't know that the tighter my fists are clenched, the faster I'm losing control. He has no idea the extent I'm willing to take things if someone fucks with one of the people I love.

I don't love often, but I love fiercely.

My fists are starting to clench, and I hold my hands out wide to stop my nails from diggings into my palms. I'm not starting to lose control out of anger; I'm losing control because I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to say. I'm rarely one who's at a loss for words.

My fingers are trembling, begging to be brought back together in a fist.

No.

"I'm not good at this," I say, looking away from his eyes. I want to know how he's feeling, but I can't concentrate on what's in my head if I'm looking at him. He's too much of a distraction. "I've never. . .been good. . .with what I'm feeling." It's hard to say. I risk a glance at Maddox, and he's listening intently. His arms remain by his sides, but his eyes are starting to soften. Thank the moon goddess.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is," I say, closing my eyes and only focusing on my next words, "I want to give us a chance."

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