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Part 6: The Problem With Love

Every moment of every day, of this last week: I have tried everything I can to keep my head down and do my damn job without any distractions. However, Monday, I once more saw Max and Alice having lunch- which stung: he didn't know I had seen them and Cassian had been casually touching me a bit more- which I ignored because it was nothing Max or others haven't done. Tuesday, Cassian caused a seen in the E.D once more when he walked in, didn't find any interesting cases and left: causing Lauren to lose her shit. Wednesday came and gone and with it another Max vs Cassian moment about who is correct in the ways of treating people. We know Max's philosophy is treat everyone no matter what, while Cassian's, we've learned, is take care of yourself because if you don't who will. That went over like a lead balloon. Thursday was by far the worst day of them all. Max has been in between the trying to talk to me and trying to avoid me stages and when Thursday came around, he witnessed Cassian pull me close and kiss me in the corner of the atrium (which by the way, I didn't warrant nor really appreciate and I told him that shortly after). This moment is only ever going to make matters worse for everyone involved. I told Cassian I didn't want that to happen again, which then he brought up how I was treating him like everyone else was- acting like he's a monster because he's different. Of course that's not the reason, but he insisted upon it. So today, Friday January 15th, I walk into the Dam using a back entrance instead of my normal route. If I can avoid both men, maybe my life will be easier. I like Cassian- to an extent. He's trying to be good and nice, but I do see the manipulation happening and the deceitfulness. I've been cautious, but not because of Max's warning, but rather because at times, I can feel Cassian on the brink of boiling over. Everyone in the hospital has been whispering about he and I. Saying that we're shagging and much more inappropriate thoughts. We went to dinner once, he has alienated me from my friends at lunch, by guilting me into eating with him in his office. I do feel bad that no one at the Dam trusts or likes him. I can't hold his disorder against him. He's trying. Max on the other hand has slowly been downward spiraling. He's had a few moments where he's snapped out on Iggy or Lauren. He's been trying to talk to me for the last week, but at the same time when we see each other face to face: he doesn't try at all. He simply works. It's almost like he can't do it in person, so he tries calling me instead. Does he not want to see my reaction to whatever he has to say? Or does he think he'll have a better chance of getting me to talk to him again if I'm not in front of him?

The whole big problem with everything going on: is that I never wanted to be put in this position. I never wanted to lose Max and I never wanted to be used by Cassian or anyone for that matter. The biggest mistake here is that I keep telling myself that it'll get better, but it won't. The more I play into Cassian's hand- the more I'm pulled away from my friends and working on my relationship with Max. Yet, Max was the problem first and unfortunately, he's showing that he really doesn't care if he fixes the problem. If he really cared, he'd stop calling me and show up. He wants everything on his terms though. Me in his office. Me picking up the phone. Me staying away from Cassian. Me doing so much for him, when I have nothing left for anyone, including myself. I feel so drained from these two men, that I just want to give up. I just want to stop having to try and please both of them. Trying to accept both of them for who and how they are. I can't do it any more. It was hard enough with just Max being mad at me.

Getting to my office, I open the door and trudge to my desk. I feel so tired- even though I've slept so much...but then again, I haven't really been eating. When do I have time? Between Cassian taking up my lunch schedule and trying to hang out with me every night- By the time I get home, I'm so exhausted that I just crumble in my bed and don't do anything but sleep. I feel so weak and so...helpless. If this continues, I don't know how much longer I can take it. In all of this, all I want is Luna. I just miss her. I miss seeing her and and holding her- making messes in my home. She's probably forgotten all about me though. She's probably just in love with Alice and Bobbie.