Right Here

Part 7: Dynamics

"How is this going to work?" I ask Max as we stand to leave. I didn't get anything accomplished I needed to today. I've had Luna attached to me for the last three hours and she refuses to let go and won't let Max take her, without balling her eyes out.

"I...I don't know." Feeling defeated, Max stares at me: his sad blue eyes thinking of every possible solution.

"Maybe I should drop her off at your home and leave when she's fallen asleep." We look at Luna, who is half sleeping and half playing with my hair.

"It's worth a shot. I'll go get your things." I agree and he heads off towards my office. After a few minutes, he's back and I stand up. "Ready?"

"Yes." Sliding into my jacket- very carefully so not to drop Luna, I look at him getting in his. Holding up Luna's coat, he manages to get it on and we head out. We're quite for pretty much the whole walk home. Not saying much of anything and just taking in the falling snow and passing cars. I must admit this feels odd. It feels unnatural not feeling comfortable with Max. The silence is driving me mad. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. None of it good. I notice Max's gaze on me. "What?"

"Need the stroller yet? She must be getting heavy?" He asks politely and I shake my head.

"No, she's fine." She's not heavy at all. Granted she's nearly five pounds lighter than normal. So sad.

"Well, let me know." So weird. So off. I don't like not having our old dynamic. The one where we can talk about literally anything and it feels perfect and safe and honest. This doesn't feel honest. This feels like we're lying about how we feel. Just pretending that nothing is wrong with either of us. That this situation is perfectly reasonable. It's not. Nothing about this is. Does he feel strange as well? Or is he just sorry for punching me? Sorry that his daughter was stubborn and missing me? Who knows. If I asked him- would he even tell me the truth? It used to be simple, being with Max, being his friend. Now it's more complicated than learning all of Pi. You can only get so far before you give up. Maybe that's it. Maybe he's given up trying to work on us- our vibe- our friendship. I'd rather be hated than missed. Being missed entails that eventually you'll meet some understanding, you'll always be sought after. Being hated implies you will find solace in being alone and forever forgotten. I want solace at this point. I want to be forgotten. It would be easier. Cleaner. Making it to his apartment, we take the elevator up one floor to his door. He's shaking. He can barely get the key in the door. Why? What's the matter with him? What does he have to be nervous about? "After you."

Stepping into his apartment, it's surprisingly clean. No clothes folded on the furniture, no toys strewn all over the place, and no dishes to put away. Odd. Very odd. Walking Luna back to Max's room, I lay her down on her bed and she starts to fuss momentarily. I kneel beside her and stroke my hand through her hair gently after tucking her in.

"Shhh, go back to sleep, Munchkin. I love you." Kissing her forehead, I back up slowly and stand. She looks so peaceful. I wonder what she's dreaming about. Hopefully, something better than this. Turning on my heel, I slowly walk back towards the kitchen and close the doors behind me. Max is sorrowfully leaning against the counter. "She's fast asleep."

"Thank you, I appreciate it." I look away from him and nod with a small smile.

"You have a good night, Max." It's taking everything in my body not to just burst into tears. Heading towards the door, he speaks softly to me.

"Please...don't go." I feel all the pain in his voice. I don't need to turn around to know he's slowly losing himself. "I know I messed up...but I can't lose you, Helen. I can't."

Closing my eyes, I feel heavy. I feel weighted. He can't lose me? How? As a friend? As a confidante? As a part of history? It's not fair. Him playing with my emotions constantly: like I'm a paper doll. Do I have it out with him? Do I tell him how I really feel? Or do I just walk away to let him realize just what he threw away for some woman? I don't even recognize him any more. He's not my Max: he's someone else's.