Afraid

Ch. 8 - Ew, friends?

Trigger Warning - brief mention of self harm.

She's back! I really hope you enjoyed Seb's POV in the last three chapters. It was fun finally revealing his secrets. I am so excited for what's to come. Please vote and thank you for reading!

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Violet

3 weeks later

I'd like to say everything was back to normal at school by now but it was far from it. Sebastián and Phoenix have apparently become permanent additions to our friend group and I'm still not here for it.
We all meet up in the mornings. They eat lunch with us everyday. And we see them once again after school. The only saving grace of all of this is the fact that I have yet to endure a social interaction with them out of school hours. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit but I'm not good with change and this is a weird change. But Phoenix is actually pretty cool so his presence has been fun for the most part, especially in our shared Ceramics class. The dude can't keep his sculptures from completely falling over and deflating to save his life! It's funny; I try to help him where I can.
Sebastián's okay too. But sometimes I get this feeling like he's hiding something. I catch him looking in my direction a lot, asking me follow up questions anytime we converse, but yet never gets too close. Both physically and personally. Which is great. I love a good boundary but his just feels too technical. Like he's struggling, treading an invisible line only he can see. And I don't understand it. It's all so odd. And what's even more peculiar is how he and Phoenix sometimes seem to be having a full on conversation with each other, just through simple eye contact. And I know how that sounds but I swear I'll sometimes catch one subtly shrug or nod at the other, but it'll never be more than that. And it'll be so brief, I almost feel like I imagined it all. And yes, maybe they're just that close. I mean, El and I have our own silent way of communicating too but this feels different. It feels like so much more.
I haven't shared any of this with Eleanor yet. Mostly because I have no idea what I'm even observing. Is it real or just my hyper active brain overanalyzing the boys behaviors and intentions?

I don't want to tell her anything until I know it's real. Plus I don't want to squander this new found friendship for her if I'm wrong. She really enjoys them and I don't want to take that away from her. I already feel like an incessant burden to her, just waiting for her to realize she can do so much better.

In hindsight, they're really not so bad. Plus, Sebastián apologized. Actually apologized about the unfortunate way we met. It was about two weeks ago, we were walking to class, I think to second, and he just started apologizing. He apologized for taking the parking spot, knowing I was there. He apologized for not addressing it sooner and he explained how he was just really stressed about being late and not making a horrible first impression. We laughed at the irony of that. Apparently, it's just him and Phoenix so there's been a lot of pressure on him to be the responsible caretaker. He didn't go into details about his parents, I only know that they're out of the picture. And I didn't want to pry. If I'm not willing to share anything, why should he be obligated to?
And that's about the last time we really talked. Now it's just little comments here and there but nothing of real importance which is honestly fine by me. I'm still a bit guarded and afraid when it comes to men in general.

But them, now I'm not saying they're growing on me. Okay maybe Phoenix but as weird as the brothers relationship may sometimes seem, their presence doesn't make me uncomfortable. At least not in the fight or flight, triggering my anxiety type of way. And I very much appreciate that. It's comfortable. I don't have to be on edge, struggling to breath as much anymore, when I'm around them. And that's something at least.