Afraid

Ch. 14 - I need you to numb the pain

This chapter was so HARD to write. But I did it! Anyway, trigger warning - some sexually mature content and sexual assault/rape mentions in this ch.

Let me know what you think. Thanks!

Violet

I walk into Adrien's cozy apartment like I always do, knowing his mom's not home. I never come over if she is, which lucky for me, she rarely is. I've never even met her. She's a pilot and from what Adrien has told me, she usually chooses to pick up extra shifts or just stay in whichever city she's landed at rather than come home. It's been this way ever since his dad left them when he was around five years old. She'd leave him with babysitters at first, but then once he turned 12, he was left home alone to fend for himself.

That was also the same year I met him. He was in the 7th grade and I had just started 6th grade at the same middle school. He was this scrawny, smug geek and I was a shy, quick tempered girl. So really nothing much has changed on my part since then. But Adrien was nice and he'd make me laugh, which was a really hard thing to accomplish back then. And slowly but surely, we became friends. He helped me feel less alone in the classes we shared and I think I did the same for him. We distracted each other from all the pain we were secretly harboring. Seeing past each other's facade and finding comfort in someone who understood how it felt to be abandoned, unloved, and terribly alone. And from that point on, we formed a sort of kinship. Addictive and volatile. Seeking each other out when reality became too much to bear.

But he gets me; there's no other way to put it. He truly understands my lows in ways no other person has. Not even El, no matter how much she tries which trust me, I appreciate. But it's not the same. With Adrien, it's different. Our pain, near mirror images of each other. Hallow beings trudging around. A haunting loneliness weighing us down as we try to find distractions and coping mechanisms to fill the void. But nothing ever does, not even each other. No matter how much we try. The relief, only ever short term and we both know that and yet, we can't quite seem to quit each other. Because short term or not, it's relief. Necessary relief. A deep breath to last us until the next drowning. And I can't let that go just yet. Even though I know by not letting him go, I'm also hurting both of us in the process. Because I know how he feels about me.

I know he loves me. Or at least loves the version of me he created in his head. He has for a while. The first time he told me, it was during sex. So I didn't take it seriously. The second time he told me, he thought I was asleep. And the most recent time he told me, we were cuddling in his bed, post-coital and he looked me in the eye and whispered it to me. And each time, I said nothing back. I couldn't. I don't love him. I don't even love myself. How could I fathom loving a whole other being like that? Like he wants me to. Like he deserves. Because if he could have it his way, we'd be together. Exclusively dating. And that can never happen. I could never be someone's girlfriend. To tether someone to me and all my baggage. To always have them around and never be able to run away. It's all so suffocating and vulnerable. I could never. I care for him but not in the way he craves.

After the last time he told me, I literally left and ignored his texts until he finally stopped reaching out. I mean, what kind of person does that? He doesn't deserve that! But now here I am, breaking the silence and reeling him back in. Exploiting his feelings for me, using them to my advantage. Using him for my own benefit. All because I can't handle dealing with my own emotions. And I know I'm not the only one at fault in this little arrangement we have. He could have easily sent me away. He chose to let me back in. At least that's what I'll keep telling myself as I continue to hurt him over and over again like the selfish bitch I am.