When love falls out on you

When love falls out (II)

Laois POV

Five years later.....

"Make sure you give me the designated amount written in the contract and I won't let you see our daughter, I'm moving to America with her," Megan says with her eyes swollen, I'm divorcing with her.

"It's fine with me, I'm sorry Megan," I say with my head hanging low, I couldn't look after, not after disappointing her so severely.

"Don't tell me sorry to ease your heart Laois, the one who you should be saying sorry to is dead," With that she started to make her way to the door.

Her words gave my heart a tightening feeling, she's right. He's dead, Alex is dead. The one I showed hell even when he was alive.

Alex and I started a relationship during high school. He was a timid person and didn't talk much but I always saw him alone, even at night sometimes. I could tell that he was suffering, but I couldn't dare to walk up to him. So when I had the chance to pair up for a project I chose him, I was interested but little did know that I would end up falling for him, deeper then I expected. The more I got close to him, the more I fell for him. I loved how nervous he got with few words, I loved his smile that soon followed by his shyness, I loved how his body was so small and slender, I loved his voice, I loved his hair that wasn't long but wasn't short either. I was helplessly falling for another guy, I hated even the thought that he might belong to someone else, I wanted him all to myself.

Then I got scared, I didn't wanna let go of Alex but I was scared of people finding out about us. So, I asked him to come with me, the cowardness and selfishness I had within me was scary. I couldn't promise him of anything, or dare to talk about the future yet I kept him beside me, monopolizing the love he had for me. From the beginning, Alex never demanded anything from me, he just gave me everything, he loved me and all the ugly sides of me. I couldn't tell my family that I was in love with a guy, I didn't wanna come out as abnormal. The reality started to sink in my mind, I started longing for a normal family just like everyone else, I wanted to talk with my friends about women and kids, and then it started. I started to see Alex as a tainting figure in my normal life, I got lonely and empty with Alex, I started longing for a life that didn't include Alex.

Within a year my marriage started to turn into shambles, nothing felt right as I had hoped it to be. I was normal, just like I yearned for. I looked like any normal guy in their late twenties with a wife and reputed job but my heart was void, the warmth I got with her was nothing compared to Alex, I didn't feel warm like I felt when I'd see Alex or pull him towards me when we'd sleep together. The longer I went on, the more I realized the normal life version I wanted was never anyone else, It was Alex all along. It was him, I longed for his presence his touch, his smile, his warmth. My normal family house was haunting me, It scared me to even set foot.

A year ago my longingness for Alex was unbearable, I missed him, I wanted to see him, I wanted to know how he was doing. So I dialed his number first time in these four years. The me, the one who left and walked away, I knew I had no right to be in Alex life anymore. I couldn't reach his number, he isn't using it anymore. Then it hit me, harder then I thought. Alex was nowhere to be found. I couldn't find him, He had just vanished. I had no information about his whereabouts, he had already quit his job, he changed his number, someone else was living in his apartment. Giving up I went to the landlord if he could give me any information but I already had a surprise waiting in for me. Alex had killed himself, Just a week after I moved out he slit his wrist in the bathtub. Alex ended his life.

It felt like the world beneath me was shaken and crumbling down. How could this be? Alex passed away? What kind of joke is this? Someone just tell me that it isn't true, for god's sake.

This was the first time I learned about Alex, I never knew that he was abandoned by his parents, they didn't even bother coming to the funeral. Alex did not even have friends, He deleted little contact he had on his phone before he passed away and quit his job as well. Alex never had anyone but me, I was his lifeline. I, good for nothing jerk, heartless bastard, Incompetent was Alex whole world. Tears started falling senselessly as landlord handled me his belongings, It had all the things of him including the pair of ring that meant for me. The man who gave me everything, loved me, all he had, he poured his heart out to me and I drove him to death. It haunted me how he slit his wrist and cried until his last breath for me. I did not deserve him, I never did. Knowing everything my so-called normal world collapsed, nothing mattered to me anymore, I did not care who was watching or what people thought of me.

I regret it, I regret everything I did to hurt Alex. I killed him, I can't take his name, my chest tightens at his mere remembrance. I can't love anyone anymore. Wearing the ring Alex had bought for me, I'll stay alive. I'll stay alive until he haunts me down, I'll stay alive until the guilt fills me up from inside and I'm tortured by his memories. This is my punishment, I'll atone for my sins until my last breath.

Alex, I'm sorry but I love you, I'll love you. I should've held you your hand and kept you closer but all that's left is coldness, What should I do? What should I do to go back and change everything? I'd do anything just to see you breathing. Fuck, how could I hurt I'm so much?

Alex, I could die asking for forgiveness, hell I'd do anything for you. Just come back, Come back to me alive.