abstracts & him

Eleven

Recording.

"I think I'm the only person who once gets sad, gets sad for everything else. It's like when I get sad because of a thing, my mind eventually leads me to everything else that made me sad in the past and that very thing that made me sad at that moment will be added to the the other things that my mind leads me when I get sad."

"I know it's funny and quite confusing but that's the way I feel whenever sadness is on my shoulder—I carry the weight of it and put more. It's self-pity and I'm so good at it. I'm saying such things because I'm obviously sad right now. The guy I like doesn't like me back but it's not the only reason why I'm sad because as I've said my sadness leads me to so much more sadness. Right now, I feel like I'm still not good enough. He's the first guy I've liked—actually liked—since every guy I know and knows me back then didn't care because—I pause for a few minutes trying to keep myself from breaking—it's hard to say the words without actually tearing up." I laugh to make the mood a little lighter.

"I have things that I want to talk with him but being in front of him leaves my tongue tied. I want to be friends with him at least."

I start reciting the last part of a Sleeping at last song. "I finally see myself, unabridged and overwhelmed. A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell, but I'm slowly learning how to break this spell. And I finally see myself."

Then, I sing the remaining lines. "Now I only want what's real-
to let my heart feel what it feels. Gold, silver or bronze hold no value here,
where work and rest are equally revered. I only want what's real- I set aside the highlight reel,and leave my greatest failures on display asterisk, worthy of love anyway."

Stop.

Carlo is standing outside when I got out. I thanked him and he smiled as a reply. I look for Ash Greysen to thank him and I see him eating at the dining hall seated alone. I walk to him.

"Thanks."

His gaze falls to the recorder I'm holding. "Welcome." He looks up to me with a smile.

"Are you studying here for real?" I take a sit across him.

He nods. "What are you recording?"

"Just something."

A group takes the vacant table beside us. I turn to look at them while Ash Greysen is saying something.

"Calli!" Ezió looks at me the moment Sabina calls my name. He smiles and I turn my look away.

He's being nice and you're being a snob, me subconscious tells me.

"Do you want to eat?" Her voice slowly turns inaudible on the last word when she sees the person I'm with. Kade and Ezió are looking at him also. Erra is on her way to get her food.

"I'll just get my food." I tell Ash Greysen.

Sabina walks with me while Kade and Ezió are behind us. "How'd you know him?"

"Access card."

"Access card?" I ignore her because it takes a lot of explaining and I don't really want to talk right now.

"Birds with the same feather flock together. He's friends with him be careful." Erra joins the conversation and I laugh at what she said.