Whirlwind of trouble

2

I make sure to dress for the occasion. What does someone wear to a date? It's been so long since I saw someone. My last relationship was Mal, and it was fun, adventurous and secretive in a way, but Robin is a man, I haven't dated a man since...

I shake off those thoughts and wipe the tears slowly trickling down my cheeks before I apply an extra thick layer of mascara. I pop my red lips once more and take a deep breath in front of the mirror.

I don't really know if I'm ready to start a relationship, I don't even know if I swing that way anymore. Since my fling with Mal, I've not really looked at men in that way anymore. I find myself walking the streets and eyeing up the women. I mean, some of the dads at the school is hot, but the moms are beautiful. I just prefer the kind of emotional attachment two women have when they're connected. There's no better bond.

The doorbell rings, so I quickly rummage for my clutch purse and my phone. I adjust my tight black dress and open the door wide.

"Wow" he gasps. "You look incredible Regina." He hums as his greedy eyes scan up and down. He steps forward and cups my cheeks, slowly running his thumb along my cheek before he leans into the softest kiss. Our lips dance together as one for a short greeting. "Are you ready to go?" He whispers, leaning his forehead against my own.

And in this moment, I couldn't be anymore happy.

"I am" I smile, locking my front door and placing the set of keys inside my purse. Robin offers his arm for me to clutch, so I do, but it doesn't feel natural. "So how is your Math class coming along? Because personally I think my children's English grades are going to kill your Math ones" I brag with that awkward soft giggle I find myself doing a lot.

"Really? We're having another competition again this year" he scoffs. "It's on" he giggles, bumping my slightly as we walk to the diner. When we arrive we are greeted by this lovely lady, so beautiful with her long blonde hair and deep brown eyes. She takes us to the table and sends us a bottle of champagne. Maybe this date would be going better if I stopped eyeing every female who walks past me. It's not entirely my fault that my eyes wonder elsewhere.

"Did you know Mr Jeff..."

"Regina, as much as I could listen to you talk all day, do you think maybe we could talk about something other than work? I want to get to know you" he grins, taking my hand and softly caressing it with his thumb. "The real you"

But i find myself cringing. What if I don't want him to know the real me?! I'm the kind of woman, where I go, chaos follows. I've been known to be a whirlwind of trouble. My ex, Mel, well she's a recovering alcoholic, she blames me. My little fling with one of the moms at school, she was far too clingy and attached, she filed a restraining order on me and I didn't do anything. Then there's my first love... he... he... actually, I don't want to think about him tonight.

"There's nothing to know about the real me" I shyly respond, looking down to my lap where my thumbs fiddle with anxious nerves.

What if the real me will never be good enough for anyone.

"Sure there is, how about... I don't know... do you want children?" And there it goes again, my mind flashing back to the man that held my heart. He was my whole world until...

"I did, I do... I don't know" I swallow my feelings along with the painful flashbacks tearing my broken heart back apart. It's like reopening a deep wound. It's as though I just can't move on... not when everything reminds me of him. So I quickly change the subject. "What made you want to be a teacher?"

"My dad had taught all his life. I don't know why, but I just looked up to him; and I wanted to follow his steps in a way. I lost my mother when I was a child, so my dad is all I had really" he answers honestly. "Which is the same kind of relationship I have with my boy. He's 5 and I'm all he has; his mother passed away just after she delivered him" he chokes out and I know it was difficult for him.

"Robin I'm so sorry, I had no idea you even had a boy..." I apologise, I should have asked, but i was shielding my own feelings. "5 years is not long enough to grieve, are you sure you're truly ready to move on?"

I only know, because I grieve for a long time, I lost my dad 6 years ago, and it hurts so much now, he was my world, my mother and I never had the strong relationship, I was always a daddy's girl but now I will never get to see my father again, and my mother wants nothing to do with me. She is another person I have drove away in my whirlwind.

"I believe it's enough time, if I find the right person..." he grins, taking my hand again, but I'm quick to pull it away. Five years is not enough time, not for me anyway, and it certainly shouldn't be for him, especially with a child in the picture.

What about when his boy gets the age where he will start asking about his mother? Where his mother is? Why she did? Or if it was his fault or not? This boy hasn't grieved yet, and until he does, Robin needs to consider his family. I don't want him getting hurt more.

"Robin, I don't think I can do this..." I sigh. "What if we become close... and your boy starts think that I'm his mom, or he begins to ask about his mother, or if hates you for bringing another woman to his life who isn't his mother. I can't be the one to destroy a father and son bond"

"Regina... he's 5, he doesn't know anything yet and he's certainly not old enough to ask" he tried to explain, as he scans my face in confusion. He senses every sheer panic pulsating through my body and i immediately flinch under his strong glare. "Regina what's going on? Why are you shutting down and pushing me away?"

"Because I'm not ready Robin. I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm not ready to play happy families. I'm not ready to play mom, and I'm not ready to lose yet another person who comes close to me" I yell back, squinting my eyes shut and seeing images of him all over again. Why can't he just stay out of my mind. Robin tried to ease my nerves yet again, but I was quick to burst up from the table and reject his touch. "I'm sorry Robin. I just can't do this"

"Regina? What's suddenly changed, we were so happy earlier..."

"I've changed Robin... I've ... I've changed my mind" I quickly grab my purse and run out there as quickly as my legs would carry me.

I can't get myself involved in a vulnerable relationship where I will not only crush one lovey mans heart, but young boys too. I'm a hurricane of thunder, trouble follows me everywhere. Everyone I've been associated with has either walked out on me or become seriously mentally ill, with drug related problems or alcohol, or.... or what happened to... to my first love.