Whirlwind of trouble

3

My heart is pulsating viscously in my chest. It's as through the walls of my own damn car are caving in and trying so hard to crush me in the process. Maybe that would be the better option of this who situation. Maybe it was be less suffocating than dealing with this pain every day.

But it's been a year since I've been to one of these meetings, and it's coming up to my fathers birthday, and times like this makes it all the more difficult to deal with.

"Hello Regina. It's nice to see you back" his sweet voice coos with sympathy.

"Thank you Dr Hopper, It's lovely to be back" I plaster on the biggest, fakest smile out there, but everyone in this group knows it's fake.

"Is it?" He questions further.

"No." I sigh, taking my seat and scanning the support group. Everyone is still here, which makes me realise maybe I left too soon. Maybe I forced myself to grieve too quickly that's it's hurting so much more now. "Truthfully, it's not nice to back. However, not coming to this group had made me realise how hard it is to keep it all bottled up inside. At least coming here allows to me get things off my plate and say it allowed."

This support group focuses mainly on grieving someone we have lost. Leroy is still here grieving about losing his best friend in the mines. Graham is here, he lost his wife to cancer. Will Scarlet is here, his daughter is not known to have passed away, but she has been missing for a long time now, and he's slowly losing hope. There's a few other familiar faces and a few new faces to me.

This group helped a big deal, not only was I hear to discuss my father passing away, and my mother abandoning me but also my first love. This group helped me push past it and finally let go.

"Why don't you start today's circle Regina?"

I run my clammy hands down my black denim jeans as I take a deep breath. It's been so long since I last shared something, and I don't know if I can let all my feelings and emotions tumble out like they once used to.

"Erm okay. Yeah I can do that" i swallow down my feelings and immediately my eyes and filling to the rim with tears and my whole body begins to sweat and my nerves are forcing me to shake with anxiety. "Hello, I'm Regina as you all know by now. So, it's coming up to my fathers 50th birthday, and I guess... I guess I've kind of shut down in a way."

"What do you mean by shut down?"

"I've stopped anyone getting close to me. I went on my first date yesterday in 4 years and it's with such a lovely guy. He is so sweet and sincere but I have a reputation of trouble following me for some bizarre reason. I'm not a troubled person, I try so hard to do what's right, so I just don't understand why everyone I become associated with pays the consequences of being with me." I let out through a sigh.

"Regina, you don't still believe that do you?" His voice huffs with defeat. He thought we were past this, and so did i.

"I do. It's evidentially correct."

"No Regina. No it's not. You know it's not your fault what happened to you father and it certainly isn't your fault your first love did what he did, and you're not the reason your ex begun drinking excessively. None of this is your fault" he reasons, and just hearing about all my relationships failing is bringing my tears to the surface and my heart beating viciously.

"That's very kind of you Dr Hopper, but there's only one common denominator of all those cases. Me."

"May I ask what happened to your father?" A timid voice coos beside me. "Sorry, I know you don't know me, but this is a safe place right. My names Belle" she sweetly says with a cute smile, and if I wasn't so vulnerable right now I would be scanning her gaydar and hitting on her so hard. But this certainly isn't the place nor time. I swore I would never associate myself with anyone in the grief group, purely because they know about me and my problems.

"Right okay, yeah sure. Well belle, I had taken my father on holiday, we went to Italy, we was riding our horses along the beech, galavanting around the beautiful city and shopping until we drop" I smile briefly at the images crossing my mind, the fun times we had that week before... "I wasn't feeling to well, so we took a slow stroll to the pharmacy and stopped by the bank on the way back" I silence for just a moment, bringing myself to say what I should. "There was this little girl in there, she was with her parents and I remember looking at her. Her little heart dropped, her jaw fell to the floor and she dropped her little teddy on the floor. I can still hear her scream today. She was the first to notice the robbery taking place. 5 men stormed in with guns and... and... well the girl and her parents ran for safety and hid below a little desk. Her parents begun to ring 911 and someone shot them both. She... she... was crying hysterically and calling out for her parents but her mother father died instantly. The bullet hit the heart. I raced over to the mother and instantly tried to cover the wound. I tried checking her vitals I discovers her blood levels were low and her lungs were collapsing. I had to start CPR but we lost her. That poor girl is living without her parents somewhere."

My tears are streaming down my face. I can't control them and it was a while before I even noticed them present. She takes my hand beside me and offers a weak smile.

"I'm sorry I asked, you don't have to..."

"No, I think I need to..." I wipe the falling tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath. "I held the poor little girl in my arms and whispered that I am so sorry I couldn't save her parents but i will make sure we all get out of here. As I held her under this desk and cuddled her as she cried for her dead parents, I heard someone down the phone and realised 911 were still on the line, so I picked up the phone and whispered down the phone until one of the men heard me. I remember dropping the phone on the floor and for sure he was going to kill me. He lifted his gun, but suddenly my dad jumped in front of the bullet and it punctured his lung, after 20 minutes his lung deflated and he lost his life."

Dr hopper offers the box of tissues so I quickly take the box and wipe away the tears that are flowing so quickly. I haven't spoken about this in years. I actually only ever spoken about this once, when I first joined this group.

"I'm so sorry to hear Regina, but that was not at all your fault" Belle says. "Do not out that pressure on yourself. He did what every loving father would." She reasons. "Please tell me Regina, what would you have done if that gun was pointing to that little girl"

"I would have pushed her out the way I guess" I shrug.

"And then that would be you taking the bullet, that's what your father did for you, he took the bullet for you so you could live your life and be happy"

"Well I'm not happy, and my life is dull." I sigh yet again and shrug off her caring hand. "I'm done now, I don't want to talk anymore"

"Okay that's fine Regina, thank you for sharing and it's lovely to have you back" Dr hopper says and moves onto the next person. And so I listen to everyone else's problems and it somehow makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one.