Us Against the World

11

I stayed on my spot on the beach until the sun began to set. It wasn't until I saw Rey, angry and muttering to herself, that I decided to move. Even though I tried to hide it, I couldn't help but feel the smile begin to pull at my features, knowing that Luke had not reacted like she had expected at all.

"That's why you sent me up! He just shut the door!" She raged. Rey probably expected me to be as frustrated as her. What should be a straight forward mission, a quick explanation of the situation we were in and then we all hop onto the falcon to go and defeat an army.
"He's not the Luke you've heard about." I told her, although I knew she had worked that much out for herself. Rey looked to the tracking beacon on her arm and then back to me, asking what, in Maker's name, were we meant to do. So I asked her some questions. Did she want to learn about the Jedi? Yes. Did she understand that it will be nothing like the stories she had heard? Yes. Was she willing to push herself to the edge, lose herself just to find the force? Yes.
"Then make Luke listen to you." I told her, before walking off, gesturing for her and Chewie to follow me.

Our group was silent as we approached the hut. Rey went forward first, knocking on the door. When we received the reply to go away, I couldn't help the smirk that came across my face. With my hand, I gestured for the very friendly, very strong wookie to do the honours. Not a second later, the door was off its hinges on the other side of the hut and we were all walking in.

Chewie was the first of our group to shout at Luke, growling at him with a sound that filled the air. Luke immediately asked what he was doing there. I turned to Chewie and then back to Luke.
"He says you're coming back with us." I told my old master. He looked so much different now, as if he was haunted by the same nightmares that kept me awake. His beard was longer and white and his hair was longer and grey. He seemed to have aged like Han, not getting the same beauty his sister earned with age. Luke turned to me, his eyes slightly wide as he took in my appearance, hair loose, not bothering to pull it away from my face, loose shirt and tight trousers, a long way from the Jedi robes he had demanded I wear in training. He asked how we found him.
"Long story, we'll tell you on the falcon?" Rey stated. Realisation flooded Luke's features as he repeated the last word back to us.
"Wait," He said after receiving a sad growl from Chewie, "Where's Han?"

Some would get angry at Luke. I chose not to answer him and just walked out of the hut. Instead, I found solace in sitting on the edge of a cliff, on the part of large that protruded into the sea meaning all I could hear was the crash of the water and calls of the birds. I chose not to get angry at Luke, and meditation had helped me control that anger. It wasn't Luke's fault that Ben turned to the dark side, at least not solely his fault and the main factor was the lies fed to him by Snoke. I also couldn't blame Luke for Han's death. Yes, if my master hadn't chosen to run, then he may have been able to help Han, or we wouldn't have needed to rescue Rey, or we wouldn't have had the mission to find the map to begin with. But, that wasn't the way everything had gone. Luke had shut himself away and I needed to let him work out himself first before I had any hope in getting him to help Rey.

Some students used to hate having to meditate. Saying that the silence was boring and it took time away from the 'real training'. I loved the silence. For the time of meditation, I could hear everything, I could feel the force surrounding everyone while thinking about nothing, letting my thoughts sleep. In mediation, I didn't have to worry about Ben's every growing attraction to the dark side, or how to hide our growing relationship, or how I was going against my master for a potential future Ben might not even want.

In this state, even being well out of earshot, I caught a few lines of the conversation the others were having with Luke. I knew the conversation itself would amount to nothing. The stubborn old man had decided he was staying on this island in his isolation, and I was more than happy to allow him to wallow in self pity until he realised how powerful Rey could be.
"You don't need me, you have a Jedi. She's sat over there." Luke announced. I could hear how broken his voice was, how much hurt he was holding in.
"She's not been all there since Kylo Ren killed Han Solo. And Leia told me she has nightmares about someone called Ben." Rey told the man, and I knew she was hoping that I could somehow bring out the old Luke, restore the Jedi master and instill a little bit of hope within him.
"If she is still pining after Ben, that's even more reason for you to go away." and with that I knew Luke had walked off.

Over the next few days, Rey would spend her day following Luke around, just watching him, judging the man he had become compared to the hero she had hoped for. In the evenings she found me, and sat beside me while I meditated, never moving from my spot on the edge of the cliff. I knew she was copying me, trying to copy my position and what I looked like, attempting to calm her thoughts that were screaming beside me. One thing I admired was her determination. She was doing well.

The sun had just risen when I felt a hand on my shoulder, a hand that wasn't there and that I had been used to feeling. His grip wasn't hard or cold, but it lacked the warmth I craved. For the first time in days, I broke my concentration on the silence and stood. When I turned to him, I found him standing, as if he were really there.
"Ben." I whispered. His eyes were wide, as if he couldn't believe, after all this time, I had let him in; or maybe it was because he couldn't believe he was actually talking to me. I noticed that Ben wasn't looking into my eyes like I was for him, he was looking at my scar, the one he had given me, the one that ran along the bottom half of my face. Rey had given him a nasty one running down the right side of his face.
"I gave you that." I said, his voice normal. I sucked in a sharp breath, trying to regain my composure. Not only was I seeing him, but in black trousers and a simple black shirt, he looked just like Ben. His face held regret. He stepped forward, hand outstretched as he reached for my face. Most would have said that I should step back, stop him and shut him out again, but I craved the feeling of his hand on my face, holding it just like before. So I let him.

He was standing close to me, the closest he had ever been. Behind his eyes, I could see his turmoil, and I wished he was here so I could take away all the darkness that was eating away at him. In a way, I think he did as well.
"We match, Ben." I said, reaching my own hand up to touch his scar and watching as he closed his eyes. It was as if he hadn't left, as if he hadn't killed anyone. I felt like he was here and I wished Leia was with me to witness it, to prove to her that her son wasn't fully gone yet. "Why are you here?" I asked him, holding my breath once the words had been spoken. I was terrified that he would move away or that he would go and I would be back to feeling alone, back to the nightmares and having to fight the man I love.

"I was going to kill my mother." His reply had stunned me. I wanted to know more, to know every detail about what happened. I wanted to know if Leia was gone. However, if someone like Leia was gone, I'd feel it in the force, everyone would. So instead, I studied Ben. His eyes were closed as if he were replaying the memory in his head, reliving the feeling of losing his father and how it would compare to losing his mother. If he were here speaking about it, no tears, and no overwhelming sadness, then he didn't do it.
"But you couldn't do it." His nod confirmed my suspicions. I took his hands into mine instantly, holding them close and forcing him to look at me again, to see my proud look. Not only had he not killed her, but he was talking to me, confiding in me like he used to. "So what else is bothering you?"

I knew Han's death was affecting him, but this was something more. We had always been able to read each other like a book, easier than reading ourselves. It wasn't just that I could read his face, I could see into his soul and feel what he felt. "If Snoke sees I'm weak, he'll kill me." That wasn't it. So I waited for him to continue, squeezing his hands to show him I knew something else was the reason. Ben had been well aware of that fact when he chose to leave. "If he sees my conflict he'll make me kill people that tie me to the light." "That's why you killed Han." I could see a tear run down the side of his face. I wiped it away with my thumb, feeling the salty tear coat my skin, making this interaction seem all the more real. "He'll see into my mind. I'll have to kill my mother and-" He couldn't finish. Tears and sobs had held the words back in his throat. I averted my eyes from his face, I couldn't see him choking back his emotions. Never had I seen him this conflicted, this torn up. But I felt like this was going to become common. "Who else Ben?" I whispered, feeling I already knew his answer. "He'll see I still love you." In a rare moment of vulnerability, Ben let more tears slip. I pulled him to me, feeling his arms wrap around me as mine wrapped around him. If this moment could last forever, I would have lived there happily. I felt Ben look up, his face stealing his emotions, looking past me. With one last caress of my cheek, he faded into nothingness. All I was left with was a wet thumb, reminding me of the tear that had been shed. Ben was still there, and he still loved me.