You don't know

CHAPTER 13

I wake up this morning without Jay. I guess he sneak outside early. After shower I go downstair to eat breakfast. It's feel kind of strange, the house is super quiet. So I call Benz.

L: Hey Benz. where are you?

B: I'm at Jayden's engagement ceremony. Sorry I couldn't wait for you because Emma kind of situation. Didn't he told you ?

I hung up on Benz with shock. What the hell is this. I thought we were friend. I mean Jay. He said he does not has girlfriend yet he's in his engagement this morning after we spent all night together in my bed without a fucking single word. wow. I feel tear falling down my cheek like cat and dog rain. I feel so betrayed, so sad, yet so confusing. I feel pain. I miss him. I like him. I fucking like him. Oh my god. This is crazy. I must be crazy. My phone ring multiple time before I pick it up. It's Benz.

B: Hey ly, are you okey? Why you hung up so fast.

L: Hey Benz. I'm okey. I just don't want to bother you while you're at ceremony.

B: Are you crying? Do you want me to go to you now?

L: Nah, I will go for a drive. Can I borrow one of your car?

B: You can Ly, But are you sure you okay?

L: I'm sure about myself. You stay and congrats Jay for me too. Bye. See you.

B: Bye ly. You know you have me. We will talk when I'm home please?

I don't bother respond. I hung up and pack few clothes and toiletry pouch. I leave a note for Benz telling him I want to be alone for awhile.

I call my brother while I'm driving. I put him on the speaker. It take few rings before he pick up.

D: Hello princess.

L: Hi big brother. Can you talk?

D: sure, I'm always available for you baby sis.

L: nothing much, I just want to say I miss you and I love you.

D: is everything okey at that side?

L: of course, can't I be affectionate on good day bro?

D: yeah, I just worry. I love you too. Now bro will aback to work. Got a meeting to continue.

L: okay. I will visit you soon.

D: that's great Lily. Bye for now sis.

L: bye. I love you more.

I drive around for awhile, before I stop for lunch break. After lunch, I decide to look up as where I could go on a long drive by myself. I am thinking about the beach. The sea and seafood are best on a day like this. I might as well spend a night there at this point. It's better than stay at Benz's alone thinking about Jay.

After a long 2 hours drive, I am here at the beach. It's exactly what I need right now.

I sit there enjoying the beautiful sunset in front of me. I finally calm down better now. I come to term with my feeling. I think what I have between us, if Jay can just forget I can too. I'm not gonna be sad for too long. I will be better I promise myself. My life does not end just because I meet a bad boy in my life. It's his part that end. After thinking long enough, I decide to move back to LA. I can start my life there better. London may not be the right place for me after all. It may just my summer nightmare. It's just a dream. When I wake up, LA is home. I miss Debby and my brother. I take few pictures to remind me how I feel today.

After sunset, I drive around to find a place for dinner. I have to live well. I have to love myself. I put on my brave face and smile to myself. I'm not gonna cry. I will not. Then a restaurant catch my eyes. It's by the beach. The decoration make the place look so romantic. I decide to park the car and walk right in.

My order come real fast, I like this restaurant already. I take few pictures here and there before I start dig in. I try to focus on the taste of the food I am eating rather than the happy couple in front of me. Love might not be for me. I tell myself.

But you know what they say, you can never lied to yourself. That's true. My tear start flowing down when I think of his name. How nice if I am here with him. We could hangout, we count travel we could kiss, we could love, we could be happy, I could be happy. I miss his chuckle, his smile, his smirk and his touch so bad. The thought of him kissing and touching someone else is killing me inside.

I put my money on the table with glass to pin it down. Then I start running toward my car. When I am inside my car, I cry so hard there. I can't pretend anymore. I'm hurt because I like him. In such short period, but I'm afraid I love him without knowing myself. That when I realize he's not mine anymore or never was to begin with. I love him and I hate that I do. I hate that I allow myself to open up to such an asshole. I should not even move here in the first place. I don't know how long I cry, but when I open my eyes, it almost midnight. So I decide to find a beach view resort to check in. I want to be back at LA as soon as possible to be honest but going back to London now wouldn't do me any good. So I decide to stay here better.