Since Then, Till Now

20

Chapter 20

"Lana! Lana, wait!" Latch called as I walked to the garden outside.

I can feel my heart breaking. The moment I saw them was also the moment I blamed myself. Baka nga kasalanan ko. Baka nga ako ang dahilan kung bakit kami nagkakaganito.

He grabbed my arm. Tears were already escaping from my eyes when I turned to him.

"Ano?" I saw pain in his eyes, "Ano, Latch?"

I'm starting to get scared at myself of how calm I sounded even though my insides are already crumbling down. Hinawi ko nang marahan ang braso niya sa pagkakahawak sa akin.

"Lana, that was nothing. I-"

"You don't need to explain, Latch," I cut him off, "It's fine." My voice broke as I gave him a small smile.

No. It wasn't fine. It hurt.

I thought that when I finally acknowledge my feelings for him, I will feel free. Umasa ako sa mga sinabi ni Favy. Hindi ko alam na magiging ganito pala ang kahahantungan. Kung sana ay alam ko lang. Kung sana ay alam ko lang na ganito ang mangyayari hindi ko na sana hinayaang umasa pa ang sarili ko sa mga posibilidad.

He was still looking at me intently, like he was waiting for what I am going to lie about next. I looked away. I'm afraid he'll see right through my lies.

"It's fine, Latch," I managed to give him a smile even though my tears were falling non-stop, "You should go insi-"

"No," he said it with finality, "It's not fine, Lana. We'll talk."

"About what, Latch?!" Hindi ko na napigilan, "God, this hurts so bad."

Napahawak ako sa aking mukha at tumalikod sa kaniya habang patuloy na tumutulo ang mga luha. Napupuno na ako. Ang sakit-sakit.

"Lana, tumahan ka muna, please," he begged as he grabbed my arm.

Hinarap ko siya, "How could I?" I stared at his eyes, "How could I when the moment I'm ready to risk it with you, for you, I saw her lips on yours." My voice broke.

I can feel a lump on my throat. My heart is beating so damn fast even though I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate Ashley. Simula noong dumating siya nasira na lahat. I blame her for a part of it. Kung hindi lang sana siya dumating ay hindi ko na naramdaman ang kung ano para kay Latch. Hindi na sana hahantong sa ganito.

"Sabi mo gusto mo ako?" I frowned at him, "Bakit gano'n?"

Pain was evident in his eyes. Humina ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin kaya nakawala ako.

"Why are you doing this to me, Latch?" I tried so hard to look at him straight in the eye.

"Lana, I meant every word when I said I like you-"

"Then why did you let her kiss you?!" I shouted at him, "Ang sabi mo sa akin ako ang gusto mo!"

Para akong pinagtaksilan. I coudn't stop crying. Parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa harap niya. Kapag tinitingnan ko ang mga mata niya ay tanging silang dalawa ni Ashley ang nakikita ko at iyong pesteng halik na iyon.

"Mas madali sana 'to kung hindi mo na lang sinabi sa'kin," I whispered.

"Why?" He asked quickly, "So you can be with Gab?" I saw pain and madness in his eyes. Napatulala ako sa kaniya. "So you can let him kiss you too?" His eyes were scary but I didn't back down.

"What the fuck are you saying, Latch?!" My brows were furrowed, "Is that what you think of me?! Magpapahalik basta-basta?! Hindi ako kagaya mo!"