Permission to escape - The Rogue Pack

Chapter 21 - Emotions

Sorry for the delay in the update... I wasn't feeling too well yesterday so although I did write this chapter I didn't feel very happy with it. So here's the updated and edited version of that chapter. Hope you enjoy! Don't forget to vote and comment xx

Sam opened her sticky eyes. The tears from last night had dried, but her eyes felt puffy and swollen. For the first time in forever, she felt calm. She was still terrified about how she was feeling, and what her feelings meant, but the understanding she had gained from a night of reflection brought relief. She had to choose.

Well, technically she had two choices to make.

I know I can't keep playing them like this, it's unfair on them and me. But I have to choose whether I am ready to want either, whether I am prepared for a relationship. And if I do make the choice that I am ready, then I have a second choice to make. Do I choose Liam or Aiden? If I choose one I'll lose the other, and I can't bear to lose either of them. And then the once I do choose, I'll have to open up to, the bond will mean that he'll be able to see everything, will know everything I've ever done. And what if when he sees that, he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Then I'll have lost both.

So I can't choose either, I'll have to choose neither. But then I'll lose them both anyway. Although we'll be friends. A little voice in the back of her head piped up. But what if they find mates, and move on anyway, then you'll lose their friendship despite everything. No! Surely they wouldn't break off our friendship because of mates? But it would definitely change the friendship.

And back to that first choice. Maybe I'm not in love with either of them? Maybe I'm just in love with the idea of love. With the idea of being in a relationship, of having someone love me so much that they would do anything for me. I've been on my own my whole life, so maybe what I'm really craving is someone who will look out for me. But I know I'm not ready for love, so maybe I love being with them because then I can entertain the idea of a relationship without actually committing to anything.

Sam groaned. This is getting really confusing. Goddess, I hate emotions... and feelings... and love.

***

Back in his room, Aiden tossed and turned. He hadn't slept all night. At first it was because he'd felt torn apart by Sam's dismissal of him after she'd woken up. It was almost like she didn't care about his feelings, didn't care that he may be worried. He'd blamed her for how selfish she'd been. But he'd forced himself to calm down and think logically through everything. Sam was someone who hated showing any weakness, hated opening up, fearful of being judged. Aiden had always known that about her, not that he understood it. But he respected her feelings. So maybe they'd been thrown out because she hadn't wanted them to see her at her weakest. When he'd realised that, he'd suddenly no longer felt frustration and disappointment, but felt concern for the girl he'd so quickly come to care for.

Also, he couldn't help but feel angry at his brother. He knew Liam cared about Sam as well, but also knew that the boy wore his heart on his sleeve and could fall in and out of love from one day to the next. So he wasn't so sure how true his claimed feelings for Sam were. Honestly, it could just be that he loved that which he couldn't get, loved the chase and challenge that Sam presented.

On the other hand, Aiden knew how true his feelings were. He'd felt a pull for Sam since that first day. Yet she'd never attended any mating season, so he couldn't know for sure. And he'd promised himself that he wouldn't make a move on anyone until he'd found his mate. He'd seen first-hand how much dating was painful for wolves and he'd promised himself he wouldn't. He wouldn't break that promise, even for Sam, but by the Goddess, he wished she could attend a mating season so he could stop torturing himself one way or another.

Next door, Liam slept like a baby. In his dreams, he was the one to save the girl with the fiery hair. He was the one she turned to, the one she needed. And he was the one she loved.

***

The next morning was miserable and grey. However, it was the day after the pack had successfully taken down the two compounds so everyone was feeling cheery. The house resonated with cheery noises of its residents. They'd packed into the kitchen early on, fighting over the piles of food prepared by Béa and finally satisfied had moved through to the lounge, playing games and listening to music as they relaxed. The official meetings were over, the only thing left to sort was the final attack, and to wait for the other packs to arrive in time for the mating season. There was only a couple of days left before the start of July, when the mating season began, so it was the talk of the packhouse.

But Sam avoided it all, after her nightmare from the night before she wasn't feeling particularly joyous. She'd risen early, and had gone straight to the gym hoping to let off a bit of steam. Alone in the basement, she'd gone all out, pummelling the punching bags. After destroying her third bag she finally collapsed. She'd exhausted herself, and yet her swirling mind wouldn't leave her alone. Sighing she rolled to her side and turned the speakers louder, hoping to drown out her restless thoughts. Lucky for her, Aiden chose that specific moment to appear at the door.

He leaned against the frame, observing Sam as she lay panting and sweaty on the floor, bits of punching bag scattered around her. Even like this, he still found her beautiful, her long hair tied up in a braid, small curls framing her face. Her eyes glowing with energy and adrenaline, her cheeks reddened. His eyes lowered and he noticed the red stains on her hand wraps. He moved as if to approach, but paused.

"May I?" he indicated her hands. Warily Sam nodded her head. She refused to let him get too close, still slightly embarrassed about what he must have witnessed the night before and also aware that she had yet to come to any sort of decision. He kneeled on the ground before her, gingerly picking her hand up. His large hands easily covered hers as he softly unwound the bandages, exposing the raw flesh below. The bleeding has stopped but the wounds were raw after the hours of beating they'd taken. His touch was soft as he turned Sam's hands over, inspecting them. His coarse skin surprisingly comforting as he caressed her hands.

"I'm worried about you Sam." He gently put her hand down and picked up the other, slowly unwrapping the bandages. Sam was careful to keep her eyes fixated on the floor.

"I'm ok, you shouldn't worry yourself," she muttered. Aiden sighed, he desperately wanted her to talk to him, to open up to say something. She didn't often brush him off like this, but then again he never usually asked probing questions. Liam was the more emotional one, not him. He decided to stay silent, continuing his ministrations on her hands. When he'd finished, he gently lifted her hand to his lips, pressing a light kiss on Sam's knuckles.

As he did, Sam couldn't help but raise her eyes, and they made eye contact. It was intense and emotional. And for the first time in forever, Sam felt the need to open up and talk, the need to be understood. But as she opened her mouth, the words wouldn't come out, she couldn't bring herself to say anything. She wasn't even sure what she should say. Probably explain her nightmare. But the words stuck in her throat. Instead, she pulled on Aiden's hand, bringing him closer, and embracing him in a tight hug. Feeling her body relax into his arms, Aiden pulled her closer, understanding her message. She wasn't ready to talk but she needed comfort. And as they hugged, not in friendship or in desire, but in understanding and care for each other, he felt that tug on his heartstrings. That pull he'd felt the first time he'd met her, and every day since.