Permission to escape - The Rogue Pack

Chapter 27 - Friends

For the next few days, Sam engrossed herself in the documents left by Obi. She knew she shouldn't, but she was desperate to avoid the torturous thoughts that kept invading her mind. She was desperate to avoid the reality that she was incapable of love, that she couldn't love herself because she believed herself to be a monster. No matter how hard she tried to avoid the realisation, the dreams were persistent in reminding her of it. Every night, she dreamt the same dream. She found herself in the vast room filled with the floating orbs, reliving the memories of her past.

By the third day, she'd had enough. Slamming down the stack of papers she'd been engrossed in, Sam groaned. Her mind was restless and she just couldn't seem to concentrate. She needed to do something about this new obsession of hers. Wandering through the room, she peered at the books, waiting for inspiration to come to her.

***

Liam giggled, curling himself around María. When he'd first met his mate, he'd been ecstatic. Living in the 'joie de vivre' that imbued his conscious. He'd spent the first day lost her arms. As most newly mated couples, they'd spent the first few hours unable to keep their hands off each other. But when they were finally able to stay at opposite sides of the bed, they were able to talk. She was truly amazing. Her personality was vibrant and chatty. She saw the beauty everything around her, noticing the small details that others seemed to overlook. She paid attention to people as well, she could read their body language. It was safe to say that Liam would have been devoted to her even if they hadn't been mates.

It was when he'd seen the look on Aiden's face that the gut-wrenching guilt had started. Obviously María had noticed it as well, softly suggesting that they should talk. She had been right of course. Yet Liam knew exactly what the conversation would be about. And sure enough, Aiden was furious. But not the yelling, punching type of anger. That Liam could have dealt with. Aiden was quiet, dejected, almost disappointed in Liam. And Liam understood why.

When they'd first met Sam, Aiden had felt a pull. Nothing major, and definitely not an undeniable indication that she was his mate, but he had felt something. And Liam had thought he did too. Now he understood that what he had felt hadn't been the same as what Aiden felt. For him, Sam had been a best friend who was forbidden, and therefore all the more desirable. But first and foremost she was his friend. During the first months he'd convinced himself that because of their friendship, she must be his mate. And therefore, he'd always been flirty, a hint of mockery in his words, a glint in his eye when they were together.

Liam had never thought that Aiden blamed him for his actions, convinced they felt the same way about Sam. But Aiden had never acted in the same way as Liam did.

The day Liam had found his mate, he'd seen how much he'd truly hurt Aiden. Despite being happy with María, he couldn't help but feel a pang of niggling guilt at the back of his mind, realising that he'd been inconsiderate of Aiden's feelings, selfishly flirting with Sam despite knowing that his brother felt the same way about her.

Yet, the day after, when Liam had approached him to talk, Aiden had been ready to forgive. Ready to get to know María and congratulate his brother. Liam hadn't understood the change of heart but he'd gone along with it, although making sure to apologise for his actions.

***

In his room, Aiden mulled over the events from the previous few days. The day he'd seen Liam mate with María, he'd disappeared in the forest, consumed in the memories of his brother's actions. He felt betrayed by his brother, felt furious at Liam's apparent ability to forget everything he'd felt for Sam. In his wanderings, he'd come dangerously close to the treehouse, but stopped himself just in time. Being so close to where Sam could be, he'd realised that despite everything he felt, Liam hadn't done anything to actually hurt anyone. 

Liam had truly believed that he'd felt the same pull, and had acted in the only way he knew how. The only reason Aiden hadn't acted in the same way was that they didn't have the same personality and experience. Aiden had never been a player, had never even been in a relationship. And so his response to the pull for Sam had been to be light and fun, the person Sam could turn to for a laugh and for a release from reality. He had been the best friend, whereas Liam had been the dark mysterious flirt. So yes, he had been angry at Liam for catching her attention when he didn't. But if he was honest with himself, even if Liam had done none of those things, he still wouldn't have acted any differently. In his actions, Liam hadn't hindered his chances of being with Sam, hadn't done anything with the intention of hurting him. And therefore he couldn't stay mad at his brother. Yet Liam had hurt Sam. He'd let her believe that he thought he was her true mate, and now he had to break that belief, and maybe her heart along with it.

So when Liam came to apologise, Aiden bore him no ill will. Yet he couldn't help but remind him that Sam deserved an apology. Or at least an explanation.

***

With a sigh, Sam turned away from the library. The books had given her an idea, yet she wasn't sure whether she was keen to pursue it. In all the books on the wall, the main character faced some sort of difficult conundrum and overcame it through personal strength after going through a journey of personal discovery. As Sam couldn't really cross a desert, with no water, a horse as he only companion, as her journey, she figured that her journey would have to be an emotional one. It was going to have to be a journey through her past.

Grabbing an empty notebook, she sat at the kitchen table. Her pen froze above the paper. She wasn't really sure how this was going to work. Wasn't sure which memories to use, or in what order to go through them. Realising that her dreams were obviously a message from the Moon Goddess, she decided that the memory she had seen in the first black orb was a good place to start. Setting the pen to paper she started to write. Her plan wasn't to rewrite the memory from scratch, that would be torturous and tiring. Anyway, she could remember exactly what happened. Instead, she wanted to write down how she felt about the memory. Lowering her head she wrote down the first word;

Sad. Well duh, that was an obvious one. Desperate. Furious. Tired. Monster. Hungry. The words seemed to flow as she allowed herself to let go. She felt like it helped slightly, the understanding of the impact that her past had on her. Yet she felt like she was missing something. Closing her eyes she let her hand drift to the page.

Courageous. She stared at the word she had marked on the page. It was the first non-negative word she had written. And yet as she stared she realised it was true. She had fought for her companion's life, despite knowing that she would be punished for it. Yet with that, she felt guilt. They had blamed his death on her fighting, explaining that it was a punishment for how she acted. Resolve. She'd never given in to her hunger. She'd fought against the animal inside, the animal that wrenched her stomach and made her insides feel like they were eating themselves. Empathy. Caring. Protectiveness. Despite everything, she'd cared for that boy. She'd strived to keep him safe. It didn't matter that he was a new recruit she hardly new. She'd still felt desperation to save him, to protect him from the horrors of life. And that was far from monstrous.

That night, as she slept, the black orbs of her dreams didn't seem to be quite so dark.

Hey readers! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I really struggled to write it, and still feel like something is missing, so please give me some feedback! Also, send me a message if you're enjoying the story, or if you're not enjoying and have some advice for me.

I'm going to be changing my updates to every other day, but I may be able to publish two chapters on those days, so the overall numbers of chapters per week shouldn't change! 

Hope everyone is keeping safe xx