Billboards and Benches

Chapter 26

December 3rd

"You sure you want this baby? We can wait." He whispers looking at her body beneath his. She didn't want to waste any time at all. Today is exactly six week after they lost their baby girl and he doesn't want to pressure her but she's begging him.

"Yes I'm sure!" She begs. He looks down into her soft eyes before falling next to her.

He won't replace his lost child immediately because his girlfriend thinks it's best. He wants time too.

"I don't want to do this unless we're both committed to it and I'm not." He mumbles rolling over to face her. He spent hours on the crib and he managed to make it so beautifully for the daughter they no longer get to hold.

"That's okay." She nods slowly pulling herself towards him. "It's probably for the best."

"I just don't wanna starts crying again." He sighs looking at the roof. She kisses her shoulder softly. "Right now just having you with me is enough." He offers her a soft smile.

He sits looking up at the roof with a pain in his heart that isn't new to him. He's known this before he's had this kind of heartbreak. Though he hates bringing it up and talking about it is almost impossible for him he wants to tell his girlfriend so that she knows why he's always so on edge.

"This is why I hate saying I love you." He whispers. "The last girl I was with got pregnant." He explains softly. This story rips him apart with every single word from his lips. "She had the most beautiful baby boy. He was mine for almost a week until she realized I couldn't give anything to them. I wanted a DNA test and the chance at the rights for my son. She got the test done and I found out he was never mine. She beat me and assaulted me and then sent me back to the streets with nothing. I had even less than I did when I met her. I loved that boy so much for the week I got to be a part of his life. He's almost three." He mumbles. "Before you the last person that heard me use those words was the baby boy that wasn't mine."

She rests her head against his shoulder nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

"I would never do that to you. I-I promise that I'm here for you and only you." She laces their fingers together.

"I know. I just wanted to tell you my story. That's why I'm always anxious when you tell me you love me. That's why this is so hard for me." He sighs.

"This would be hard for anyone." She hums trying her best to make it seem more normal for him. This is a terrible situation but she doesn't want to push him of have him more anxious than he needs to be. "We'll try again. We'll get ourselves a perfect baby girl some day, and we'll have a beautiful baby boy too. I'll give you both my love because you deserve it."

...

"You two are busy." James mumbles looking up from his book. He reads all of her fathers books so that they have things to talk about when he's over and he'll read almost anything Dylan hands him. "And really loud." He mumbles again. Dylan's cheeks flush pink. "Which one of you was crying?"

"I swear it wasn't me!" This time Shawn's cheeks flush pink making James laugh harder.

"Leave us alone Jamie! We lost our baby girl." She huffs sitting next to him. He pulls her close only to see how nervous her boyfriend will get. "He cried the whole time for the record." She giggles.

"You cried too!" He whines and she smiles.

"I'm teasing you love. I cried too." She nods leaning against James' shoulder.

"I never pegged Dylan as the kind to cry during sex. I always knew that Shawn would."

"It was emotional!" He pleads. Dylan laughs offering her hand. "She cried most of it too! And it wasn't that loud." He huffs.

"He knows darling, he's just pushing your buttons." Dylans hums. "James hasn't been laid in years." She retorts to his previous statements.

He loves his girlfriend more than anything. The sex they had was the most raw and unconventionally beautiful thing he's ever experienced. The tears they shared, the connection that they've never experienced before. Having her crying against his skin. The mix of their tears and their sweat is something he never thought he could find bliss in. He never thought crying through the peak of their experience would make him feel better about it. He's never experienced the level of heartbreak him and Dylan now share. He needed to cry through what they see as such a beautiful thing. It is such a magnificent thing for them to have gone through together knowing how much they love each other. They have a deeper bond than he ever knew possible. For him knowing that their first time after they lost their baby girl was just as hard for her makes him feel a little better. Knowing that she could look him in the eyes and she'd a tear just so that he knew it was okay. The sex wasn't great but having his girlfriend while his cheeks to rid them of the tears made it so much better. To know that every move he made wasn't out of obligation or sadness. To know that she just wanted to rebuild their broken bond in a way that they've never done anything before. He knows it isn't something they'll do often and he's slightly relieved to know that. Regardless he likes to know that she is all in. He likes to know that she's okay with him being sad sometimes and that she understands that he cries too. She likes him knowing that he can cry with her when he needs to.

"Babe leave him alone." Shawn chuckles taking the seat she once occupied. He plays with her fingers kissing her hands softly. "Not everyone is good at what they do." He teases. James laughs softly. He likes seeing the couple so happy again. Dylan's been waiting for this day just to get it over with and Shawn's been dreading it. He knew Dylan would be so adamant of using today in every way she could. He wasn't ready but they had a long conversation and throughout the promised of love and devotion he managed to get lost in her gentile eyes. He lost himself in her sweet words and kind smile. He forgot for a moment why they were once so sad. It sounds horrible to think that he forgot about their daughter but he didn't, he simply forgot the bad. He let the good moments they had with her outshine every other bad thing.

"Now you're being an ass." James retorts. He is amazed by how calm Shawn's been watching Dylan lay in his arms. He can tell just by looking at him that he's lonely but he doesn't mind that she's cuddling another man. Gerald would've lost his mind on James who hasn't done anything wrong. He loves Dylan like a sister and he vowed to protect her, so he will.

"James knows I'm joking." He smiles. He grabs her legs resting them on his. He's not used to Dylan not being on his lap so he'll replace her body weight with her ankles instead. It isn't much but it's enough to let him know that she's there.

"You guys will have a baby Dill I promise. No matter what you have to do you two are gonna get yourselves a baby." James hums.

"I know, its still hard though." She huffs and Shawn offers his hand.

"We're gonna try again. We'll have a baby a gentile baby girl or baby boy and we're going to love them forever."

"Can we try again?" She turns to him.

"As many times as you want." He smiles planting a kiss on her lips. "Baby remember we have other options too." He hums lifting her out of James' embrace. "I really want to adopt too."

"I know my love. But I want to carry one, just one that's all I want." She pleads.

"One baby that you get to carry and at least one adopted and we'll have our perfect little family."