Billboards and Benches

Chapter 35

40 weeks of pregnancy // March tenth

Shawn squeezes her hand sitting in the seat next to her. She said she didn't want an epidural she plans to do it naturally for their little boy. He is fighting to get out and she's trying her absolute hardest but no matter what she does it's still taken hours of pushing. "There are the shoulders!" He moves slightly to watch their baby boy slowly be welcomed into the world. "One more Dylan one more!" The doctors smile as she gives another long hard push. "We have a baby boy." They nod looking down at their baby. Shawn is by Dylan who's holding him so tightly he could check on their baby boy if he wanted to. "I-I'm so sorry." The doctor mumbles lifting their baby boy for Dylan to see. "I don't know how no one caught this sooner. He has something called anencephaly. It means that your baby is missing either parts of his brain of skull maybe both in his case." Dylan listens to the soft wails of her son. She just wants to hold him.

"Hi Gabriel." She whispers and he kicks slightly in the arms of the nurse who isn't sure wether or not to let the new parents hold their son. "Yeah, I know." She smiles brushing a finger across his cheek. This is the first baby that they've had who's survived. She doesn't know how she'll live knowing that her son, the only baby she's had that's lived, is dying right in front of her. "Hello peanut." She hums letting a tear fall down her cheek. They bring in a large groups of people and an incubator for their baby boy.

"Oh peanut." Shawn sighs touching his tiny little hand. "You're so beautiful." He whispers looking at the infant. He blinks softly and his eyes open only enough so that he can see his parents.

"I'm sorry we have to take him now. He will be in very good hands. You can go up to the NICU once I get you stitched up." Her doctor nods at her. She can barely look at him she can't see anything through the tears in her eyes.

"He was so beautiful." She whispers to her boyfriend who offers her a gentile hug. "God he was so beautiful." She sighs wiping her tears as best she can though she can't stop the heavy flow. She looks around the room and the doctors and nurses writing things down and ignoring the first time parents who don't know what's happening to their child. He has a room at home a crib a wall with his name written on it and they won't be allowed to bring him home to see it. They won't be able to be woken up early in the morning because he needs his diaper changed or he needs to be fed. They won't get to watch him grow up or learn how to walk. They'll never hear him speak they won't get to watch him go off to school. He'll never see the home that his parents got all ready for him because they won't let him out of the hospital if he survives long enough. He'll never be normal and even if he does live past these next few hours she knows that she's missing out on many years with this sweet baby boy she's been carrying. "Did I do something wrong?" Her voice breaks. She couldn't live knowing that she caused such damage to her son that he won't get to live the life she intended for him.

"Non of this is your fault." Her nurses reassure her. She sobs into her boyfriends chest. He wants to cry with her but he doesn't know how. He knows that this is a hard time for her and he wants to try and make her feel better about it though he knows he won't be able to. He can't fix what happened and he can't ignore his own pain forever.

"We will have a wheelchair brought in and one of our nurses will bring you up to see him." Her doctor nods walking out of the room. She pulls out of her boyfriends warming embrace to prepare for the visit with her son. She just wants to see him healthy but he isn't and she can't change that no one can.

"Hello, did you guys choose his name yet?" The doctor smiles at them. Shawn offers a nod.

"His name is Gabriel," Dylan responds trying her best to stand as they finally get her to her son. Shawn's arm hooks around her hips holding her upright as best he can. She's uncomfortable and bleeding and her baby boy is stuck in the hospital. "Is he in pain?" She looks at her boys doctor. He nod has machines hooked up to him just to preserve him long enough so that his parents get to say goodbye.

"He shouldn't be in any pain. We're keeping him comfortable. We were going to administer a sedative to help him sleep but we thought you might like to see him before." Dylan nods slipping her hand through the opening on the side.

"Hi bubba." She whispers brushing her finger against his cheek. "Yeah I know." She whispers at the noises he makes. "I love you my sweet boy." She hums while Shawn takes his turn. Dylan falls back into the wheelchair.

"Look at you!" He smiles softly before the tears threaten his eyes again. "You were supposed to come home with us baby boy. We have your bedroom set up we got you toys." He whispers staring at the little guy. "Don't feel bad babe." He whispers to their son. "If it hurts you baby boy you can go we won't be mad." Dylan stands up next to him hoping to just catch a moment of her baby's eyes open.

"We won't be mad at you pumpkin. If you need to go we understand." She nods. "I wish you could stay Gabriel but I know it's hard. I love you anyways." She hums leaning further into her boyfriend. "We aren't mad sweetheart."

"Can we discuss our options?" Shawn looks at his doctor.

"There aren't many different options with a baby of his condition."

...

"How are you feeling?" She called her mom to tell her the news. She didn't want to tell everyone else so she got her mom to do it. It hurt her too much to think about it anymore. They had their baby boy with them for just under ten hours. They watched their beautiful boy leave them but they donated his organs in hope of helping someone else. Somebody else's baby gets to live because theirs didn't and though the thought is painful and terrible she's excited that another family won't have to endure the same pain because her baby boy helped them.

"I don't know." She shrugs sitting in their bed. He offers her the heating pad that her doctor recommended she get for after the birth. "I'm mad that no one caught it." She huffs. Shawn lay next to her staring up at the roof. "Are you okay? I haven't really asked." She mumbles offering an embarrassed look. She knows that she's been crying and she hasn't been able to handle the loss but Shawn hasn't said much about it. No one asked him how he was or honestly what he wanted. They made the decisions together but for the most part he just nodded at her he couldn't bring himself to speak.

"It's hard, but it always will be." He shrugs looking over at her. "Put baby boy was so healthy until he wasn't and it sucks but I know that you're probably having a harder time than I am." He shrugs and she rolls her eyes moving closer to him. She feels bad that he's been pushing his own feelings aside because he worries she feels worse. She knows that it's a terrible situation for them to be in and they're still young trying to have kids. She feels for her son but she worried about her boyfriend.

"You feel pain too. I know you do. We get to hurt. Our baby boy is gone." She whispers falling against his shoulder.

"I know, but you carried our baby boy. You spent more time with him than I did it has to be harder on you." He sighs pulling her in close while they stare at the ceiling.

"He loved you too, I know he did."