Life and Times of a Keyboard Warrior

A bad joke

21
25th of February
Markus

"Markus, you're such a horn dog. Just give us back our damn clothes already."

I crack an eye open slightly. Daria, Eli and Mia are all scowling at me, still only dressed in their bare necessities. I'm laying down on the couch, so they all look strange and inverted, but it's not a bad look. I suppress a grin. I'm not trying to get off on making them walk around scantily clad, but it's always nice, you know?

"Ladies, please." I answer them, then close my eyes again. A few seconds later, Mia groans impatiently.

"Why won't you give us our bags back? You gave Heath his." She yells at me.

"What can I say, Heath's an ugly bastard even with clothes on, my eyes were rotting out just glancing at him in his tighty-whiteys..." I explain. I'm in complete control here, and I love it.

"I see..." Mia moans, and I immediately get a bad feeling. "You want us to be your sexual slaves, then you'll return our belongings, right? I thought so..."

I jolt upright. What the hell, no way. That's not my style, Heath's maybe, but not mine. I turn to the three girls with widened eyes, and I yelp to see them stripping off their underwear slowly.

"No way, no way, what do you think you're doing?" I demand, scrambling over the back of the couch and to my feet. I'm already short of air, my breaths raspy and ragged.

"This is what you want, isn't it?" Mia says huskily, seductively. The gears in my head turn at light speed, looking for any way out of this mess. Suddenly, Mia drops her bra to the floor, and I have to shield my eyes.

"No way, this isn't happening, you're insane, all of you!" I hiss, and I take off down the hall. My cool demeanor is laying shattered on the floor behind me, but I can't worry about that now. I have my dignity to protect here.

I look over my shoulder. All three of the girls are chasing me down, nasty smiles on their faces. If I'm caught, I'm screwed, maybe even literally. They've all left their bras on the ground around the couch, and I'm nearly paralyzed by their full-swinging beauty. A part of me nearly stops, but I overpower that urge instantly.

"Come on Kennedy, everyone else is down at the beach having a swim, so it's just us four!" Eli yells after me.

"No way in hell, mates!" I scream back at them, red faced. They all laugh at me. What the hell is this, a fan service scene in some bad anime...?

I turn up the stairs again, and nearly pull my Glock out. Then I remember, I left it in my coat, back on the couch. Crud, this is bad.

"Mr Pwesident, why are you wunning?" Yuki appears, wearing a long silver nightgown. She must've turned in early tonight.

"Yuki, thank the lord!" I yell, and run around her, huddling behind her. She looks at me, utterly bewildered. I point over her shoulder, and shield my eyes just in time as the three girls hit the top of the stairs.

"Save me from them, please." I grimace.

"Leave the Pwesident alone, he's mine! Go away!" Yuki screams at the girls. I don't know what they're thinking, I daren't look now.

"Kennedy's a cradle-snatcher!" Mia squeals, and the other two girls become hysteric with laughter.

I jump up, enraged, towering above the girls. I still have my eyes shut, but I feel powerful, emboldened by my anger. The girls begin to cower, shaking visibly, and even Yuki begins to look fearful. I feel my face break open into a menacing grin, and I chuckle softly. Elizabeth gulps loudly.

"We're gonna play that game, huh? Well, two can play!" I shout, and I tear off my flannelette shirt dramatically. I take a step in the girls' direction, and make a motion to take off my T-shirt, when I hear them dashing away down the hall, screaming loudly. I open my eyes cautiously, but they are already gone.

"You scared them off, mr Pwesident." Yuki smiles up at me, blissfully unaware of how close I'd come to accidentally stripping before her, had the girls not run off when they did.

"Well, serves them right." I shrug. "You better get back to bed little one, or you'll be tired tomorrow." I kneel down to be on Yuki's level. She cocks her head to one side in confusion, but after a second or two, realizes what I said. She lunges at me, hugging me tightly.

"Goodnight mr Pwesident, see you in the mawning." She coos in a sing-song sort of way, then dashes back down the hallway and back into her room. What a kid, honestly...

I quickly make my way back down to the couch, and I check my pistol for ammo. Sure enough, it's fully loaded. That should deter those ladies from trying to get me. I'm about to doze off when suddenly, I'm jumped on. The force of the landing makes my drop my gun, and it clatters loudly to the floor.

I open my eyes, and I'm simultaneously relieved and frightened to see Daria laying upon me, still completely topless. I feel my face go bright red, I can feel her boobs against my body and it's taking all my willpower to not get turned on by it. She's cut off my mobility, so I can't escape...

"Babe, where are my clothes?" She asks in a seductive tone. I reach down, pick up a bra off the ground and hold it up to her, giving her my most disarming smile.

"Oh sweetie, nice try. That's Mia's, that one's too big even for me." She chuckles softly, and I jolt. Mia's got bigger boobs than Daria? Now that's an achievement. I suddenly catch myself, and I shake my head to drop the thought.

"We are going out, shouldn't you be used to seeing me like this yet?" Daria whispers, and suddenly she's kissing me, long and hard. I instinctively wrap my arms around her, and I return the kiss. We continue like this for a long time, and we probably would've gone further had they not returned so soon.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" I hear Heath shout, and I break away from Daria and sit up. She looks up too. Over the back of the couch, Heath is staring at us, looking somewhere between furious and shocked.

"You two have the audacity to get freaky in the main room of a shared beach house, and then you've got two little spies watching you too!" He screams. I finally notice Mia and Eli standing in the hallway, covering themselves with their hands and looking sheepish.

"It's not what it looks like..." I begin, but Heath isn't hearing it.

"What am I even looking at here?" He demands, lifting up the two bras that remained on the floor. "You have all three girls throw themselves at you bare-chested, and you still only go for Daria? I don't know whether to be jealous of your harem, proud that you're not a cheating bastard, angry cause my girlfriend threw herself at you, or disappointed that you didn't invite me!" He's just getting into it, but before he can continue, Eli belts him around the head.

"We weren't throwing ourselves at him, moron. We were having a joke, making it seem like we'd need to have sex with him so that he'd get embarrassed and give us our clothes back." Eli explains, rubbing her hand where she'd hit Heath.

"You get a kick out of that stuff? And I thought the idea was to get more clothes on, not more clothes off." Heath retorts madly, looking wounded, and then jumps up and runs off in a huff.

"You ladies might wanna get dressed, your clothes are all hidden in the ceiling loft. Don't worry, they're in the bags." I say, and immediately, all three of them are gone, dashing up the stairs to get some clothes on. I sigh, and lay back down, only to realize they'd forgotten their bras. I grin nastily, thinking of s new way to get back at them, and shove them into the inside pocket of my trench coat. Surely they have spares...